Island of Thoughts --my mind--

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Apr 28, 2007.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    okay so I decided to make this a thread where I post my thoughts and ramblings from now on instead of making new threads every time. I'll just stick to this one and have that as the only thread in which I post about me. so yeh.

    Right now I dont have much to say except for some positive things and little annoyances, we'll see where this posts goes, all I know is that I need things out, before I go nuts again.

    Firstly there's the love for this place, SF. I love it. It's a sad thing that we are all here, as in, that we are all so down that we get to a site about depression and suicide and such, but it's a good thing that we're all here to support each other.
    hmm that sounded better in my head. let me rephrase myself:

    It's good that we are all here, cos we get support and even make friends, but it's sad that we're all brought here cos we feel depressed and/or suicidal.

    that's more like it.

    you guys are all so awesome. Giving each other support. Listening to one another, sending each other hugs, cheekkisses and in chat whipping the ones that have work to be done etc.
    Thank you guys so much for being this community you are. For being the beautiful souls you are. So sad that those beautiful souls often are scarred for life because of events in the past/present/future. :sad:
    It hurts me to see everyone in so much pain, and not being able to change anything about it :sad:
    It hurts me when my friends are in pain, and I made many friends here, and some really good ones.
    I've always been a pain in the ass to the people that cared about me most, and on this site I've proven that true once again. Actually more than once, but ya know what I mean.

    I been put under moderation twice, from the end of february til now. once for a week and the other time, i think for 2 weeks but could be one too, not too sure about it. God how I missed chat then. but hey I managed.

    hmm I care a lot for everyone here, and I hate that I've been so useless the past months. I barely help anyone these days, all I do is get upset way too easily as soon as people start talking about mothers and/or death of parents.
    People should be allowed to think and say what they want about their parents, but I just wish they would think. How can you wish your own mum dead? How can you laugh at ur dead mother? ou have no idea what it'd be like without her.
    I know I've said I hate my dad (which deep down isnt really the case, I wish I would, that'd make it all easier to live this life), but I wouldnt want him dead. THough the way it's going now, it is as if he's dead :sad: But ten again it isn't cos I knwo that eventhough we dont talk and he doesnt want to see me, I know that if something woud happen I could go see him. I cant go see my mum. I cant ask my mum for forgiveness. I'll never ever be able to talk to my mother and I really hate that, but now I best stop talking about it, cos I dont wanna cry right now

    but nature is peaceful and beautiful, it really is. How I love this place. I wish I could give her a tour around the area, show her the river I swim in and like to sit at, the trees and fields, the windmills, the house, my housemates...

    I miss her.

    okay that's it for episode 1.
     
  2. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    :hug:

    We love having you here, even tho we hate the circumstances that bought you here too :cheekkiss
     
  3. :hug: Ester
     
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I don't know what i've done, or if I like what I've begun.
    something told me to run, and honey you know me, it's all or none.
    there were sounds in my head, little voices whispering,
    that I should go and this should end,
    oh and I found myself listening.

    Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you,
    all I know is that I should.
    And I dont know if I could stand another hand upon you,
    all I know is that I should.

    (...)

    I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
    You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
    But you taught me how to trust myself
    and so I say to you; this is what I have to do

    Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you
    all I know is that I should.
    And I dont know if I could stand another hand upon you
    all I know is that I should.


    I love you, mama
    -----------

    I want to die :cry:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 29, 2007
  5. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    will there ever be anything which I don't fuck up??
    will there ever be anyone whom I don't hurt??

    I should have taken more last night. I should have taken more. Heck. I cant even remember taking them, that's how drunk I was.
    a bottle of rum and half a bottle of whiskey lol and then being too drunk to remember I took pills too :dry: I should have taken more, waaaay more.
     
  6. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    ESTTTTTTTTTTT. :hug:
    I'm glad you're alright.
     
  7. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    *sigh*

    I dont even know what I wanna say here. I'm just all over the place. Was so sick earlier. Can't believe I went on here last night and couldn't remember at all.
    I'm gonna really have to cut down the drinking and drugs. :sad:
    Today I'm not gonna drink. Today I shouldn't have any drugs.
    Can't believe I'm already craving for it though :sad:
    Who would have thought that.

    Look back like what 4 years. I was one of the smartest and intelligent people of my class. Okay I didn't get the highest grades, but that's because I didnt exactly try to get high grades.
    I didn't do drugs, didn't smoke, I did drink, but not often, and I was barely ever drunk.
    I was the little girl of the family. when there were birthdays or parties where loads of relatives came they always talked to me, they liked me. I was the life of many parties. And that's not me being big-headed, it's the truth. I was always the first one to start dancing, to start singing, to be out there ya know. Make fun, socialize.

    now look at me now; living in a student home, having my housemates pay most of the food, can't keep a job properly, off my face on either alcohol or drugs (or both) nearly every day (so far only been sober thursdaynight), threw up cos of the alcohol and/or drugs three times this week already. Od'ed not so long ago and eversince my stomach gets upset over the smallest shit.
    I have no doctor around here. Still didnt register, cos I am scared I guess.
    No contact with any family, apart from my sister, and I haven't spoken to her for over 1.5month now either. Haven't spoken to my dad and his wife since february 25th, haven't spoken to other relatives since the beginning of december, some even october.

    i can't do shit right. I fuck everything up. And I honestly dont know if I'll make it without any drugs or alcohol tonight. I still have 2 bottles of wine and another bottle of rum which I can drink, have enough other things to take. Maybe too much even.
    How will I be able to cope without it? Not.

    when I am high everything seems awesome. I'm not sad about my mum then, I'm not sad about my dad and his wife, I don't miss my sister and dog then, I can laugh all the time, giggle alot, my body acts funny. Life is good at those moments. I love everyone at those times. And yes I admit, when I'm on BOTH alcohol and drugs I have a tendency to get aggressive if people say something wrong, but I can do one of them, surely? I mean my brain and body are both fucked up already anyway cos of all the abuse of the past months. One more time couldn't harm surely? Why stop now? it's too late anyway...

    *sigh* I really am a lost cause, ain't I? :sad:
     
  8. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Est sweetie, you are not a lost cause, we all make mistakes, and we all have to learn and grow from them.
    I think you should give up the drugs and alcohol one at a time. That way you aren't craving that badly.

    You do not fuck everything up. Do you hear me? You do not fuck everything up.
    :hug:
    My PM box is always open for you.
     
  9. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    *sigh*
    Thanks Jess :hug: :hug:

    :sad:
     
  10. sarahg

    sarahg Well-Known Member

    If I hadn`t sunk so low to come on this site I wouldn`t of found you. You have enter my life and it makes me smile.Thank you ish for my smiles they are the world to me......
     
  11. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Sarah :hug: :hug: :hug: Thank YOU.
     
  12. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I want ... ya know...
    I want it so badly, it's all there, I can take it if I want :cry:

    Have to fight it though.... I wonder how long I can resist..
    gah. bleh. fuckin' shit
     
  13. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Est babesss. I know it's hard, but you can do it. =D
     
  14. Savior

    Savior Active Member

    :hug: :hug:
     
  15. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    thanks both :hug:

    ----

    and yesssss. Once again I've proven myself to be an idiot, fuck up and most of all WEAK. cant even last a fucking day without. what the fuck have I done, where the fuck have I ended up. what the fuck will happen in the future?
    Do I even have a fucking future? heh. Fuck it all. does it matter? no. Do I care? no.

    I need to start a poledancing club in the garden
    maybe I should climb in it again, see how high I can go, can I actually sit on top of it..? hmm... should try it lol, tis funny. Just hope it won't shake too much, it doesnt seem to be the most stable pole available, but it is the closest, am not much for walking right now.

    or maybe I should go for a walk. to the river, yeh, get on my bike and go to the river.
    where is my bike?
    my housemate borrowed it. hmm is he back yet?
    maybe he wants to have sex? but I dont want to have sex.. not with him anyways. I doubt if I ever want to have sex with anyone again.
    I dont know what I want.
    well I do know what I want, but I cant do that, that'd be wrong.
    I'm wrong, aint i. and weird. but hey what can I do?
    my mind and body are fucked up, what does it matter now.. nothing.. cos I am worthless, but yet I am okay now, I realize a lot of things. I am worthless and all, but at peace with it for now
    I know that wont last and tomorrow I'll be back down where I was, but then I'll fix it again with a temporary fix. What's the point in stopping. I tried. I'm a quitter. I quit everything. Just walk out.
    Uni, the jobs, my sister, my friends, my parents, my old hometown.
    I'm a quitter
    and now I cant quit with the two things I should quit with. or well I did try to quit, but then I quit quitting, if you know what I mean. I do makes sense still, don't I?

    now where are those red rivers my scent will flow through? where are they heading?
    to the big goal? to the ultimate goal? to oblivion?
    or maybe they end up in a dead-end lake, with no place to get out?
    will my scent die there then?
    that shouldnt happen. I can't let that happen.

    Oh well I'm odd.
    whatever.
     
  16. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    hmm.. why are some people so sweet to me? I'm lonely and deserve to be or that's how I feel at least. I wish I could just... dunno..

    i'm fucked up aint I :dry:

    I dont have the energy to type this right now.
     
  17. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I miss her :cry:
     
  18. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

  19. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    *sigh*
    Here I am, still here, still alive. :sad:
    Wish I'd taken it all. But no, I survived another day. Will I have ONE day without any crap/booze and suicidal thoughts?
    I should stay off this site when i'm like this. I'm sick of worrying people. I'm sick of being in this constant "crisis-situation". I'm sick of having people stopping me every night.

    I hate myself, I hate my life.
    I just wanna swim across the oceans, to the Island, to jump right into my Mothers arms.

    :cry:
     
  20. im here for you est :hug: :arms: