okay so I decided to make this a thread where I post my thoughts and ramblings from now on instead of making new threads every time. I'll just stick to this one and have that as the only thread in which I post about me. so yeh. Right now I dont have much to say except for some positive things and little annoyances, we'll see where this posts goes, all I know is that I need things out, before I go nuts again. Firstly there's the love for this place, SF. I love it. It's a sad thing that we are all here, as in, that we are all so down that we get to a site about depression and suicide and such, but it's a good thing that we're all here to support each other. hmm that sounded better in my head. let me rephrase myself: It's good that we are all here, cos we get support and even make friends, but it's sad that we're all brought here cos we feel depressed and/or suicidal. that's more like it. you guys are all so awesome. Giving each other support. Listening to one another, sending each other hugs, cheekkisses and in chat whipping the ones that have work to be done etc. Thank you guys so much for being this community you are. For being the beautiful souls you are. So sad that those beautiful souls often are scarred for life because of events in the past/present/future. :sad: It hurts me to see everyone in so much pain, and not being able to change anything about it :sad: It hurts me when my friends are in pain, and I made many friends here, and some really good ones. I've always been a pain in the ass to the people that cared about me most, and on this site I've proven that true once again. Actually more than once, but ya know what I mean. I been put under moderation twice, from the end of february til now. once for a week and the other time, i think for 2 weeks but could be one too, not too sure about it. God how I missed chat then. but hey I managed. hmm I care a lot for everyone here, and I hate that I've been so useless the past months. I barely help anyone these days, all I do is get upset way too easily as soon as people start talking about mothers and/or death of parents. People should be allowed to think and say what they want about their parents, but I just wish they would think. How can you wish your own mum dead? How can you laugh at ur dead mother? ou have no idea what it'd be like without her. I know I've said I hate my dad (which deep down isnt really the case, I wish I would, that'd make it all easier to live this life), but I wouldnt want him dead. THough the way it's going now, it is as if he's dead :sad: But ten again it isn't cos I knwo that eventhough we dont talk and he doesnt want to see me, I know that if something woud happen I could go see him. I cant go see my mum. I cant ask my mum for forgiveness. I'll never ever be able to talk to my mother and I really hate that, but now I best stop talking about it, cos I dont wanna cry right now but nature is peaceful and beautiful, it really is. How I love this place. I wish I could give her a tour around the area, show her the river I swim in and like to sit at, the trees and fields, the windmills, the house, my housemates... I miss her. okay that's it for episode 1.