i read a survey when i was in middles school that over 50 percent of girls my age would rather kill themselves then live as a fat person. needless to say this has stuck with me. now i'm 24 and i'm still fat and i've never had real sex or even a real kiss for that matter. i fell in love with my best friend four years ago and just barely made it out alive. he would have loved me if i was thin. i have no doubt. and i could have gotten thin for him...if i had any control over the things i do. i'm horrified to show my body to another person. my fat is my scar, and i haven't healed yet. i think being loved would help me get there. but it keeps people away. i keep people away. sometimes i even wake up feeling beautiful, but then i remember that i'm alone, and i've always been alone. most of the time i look in the mirror and lie. lie to make it through. i want to make real life happen.