Isn't life cruel?

#1
My family's financial situation was never great, so I had the burden of having to grow up to be a extremely smart person who would change my family's situation. One day I was just sitting in my room thinking about my childhood.. then I thought what childhood? All I did was just sit there and study. My dad was a bastard he stole my Mother's money, ruined my family then he proceeded to live with us and act like a king. I wanted to kill my father on so many occasions I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I'm typing this at 1:00. I love my mother but I can't meet her expectations... I'm not smart nor someone who will make a lot of money.. This world is truly unfair. I've met kids who simply do not need to bother as when they grow up they're parents will simply throw a few hundred grand at. Ever since I was born a burden was placed on me. I couldn't even take my own life not wanting to leave my mother who had raised me through her own living hell. I'm currently in love with a girl who stopped me from killing myself in the past... she's the most beautiful girl in the world but a shit like me doesn't deserve her. She's become a surgeon and she's hella smart I can't even compare to her. Before your born you spin a wheel.. this wheel decides your fate..
Will you become a smart amazing handsome person? or will you become a piece of trash? I suppose I got the latter. Another thing I hate Religion. oh wow what's that your life is bad? Go pray to God he'll help you! My family is crazy religious but I hate God and his bullshit. Trying to kill yourself is hard as you don't want to make others suffer by leaving them alone. Isn't death beautiful? I believe there is no heaven or hell. You simply go into an eternal sleep like snow white.. except no Prince wakes you up. I'd love to eternally sleep without the troubles of life. When I was young sitting down to play a game or watch some telly put my parents into a rage saying how I'm useless I never study and I'm a piece of shit more or less. In school I had to keep my mask on. Everyone knew the happy joyful me I hung out with the popular kids always trying to fit in and at least use some thing to convince me to stay in this world. Then I was betrayed. Simply betrayed. I had anger issues I talked with my fists not bothering with teachers or anything. I became an outcast the person no one liked. Soon I was bullied so I punched every bully which led to more consequences and more schools to be expelled from. I was angry with whoever created me with whoever chose I should live. It sounds wrong what I'm about to say I'm jealous of those who get diseases and die. I <mod edit - method> woke up at a hospital with my dad saying God wanted me to live. Funny isn't it? I'm just not allowed to die? So I just vent now. My dad was also abusive which didn't help much. Is it too much to ask to just rest eternally in peace? - ...
 
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#2
I'm sorry that you went through so much abuse.

It's also really wrong and harmful to put a burden on a child that they have to be responsible for taking care of the family.

I'm currently in love with a girl who stopped me from killing myself in the past... she's the most beautiful girl in the world but a shit like me doesn't deserve her
Please don't say things like that about yourself. Probably the abuse that you've been through is making you feel like you don't have worth.

She's become a surgeon and she's hella smart I can't even compare to her
You don't have to have a set of achievements that are recognized as having equal value by society in order to have a relationship with someone.

Also, please don't underestimate your own achievements. Just surviving under circumstances where you were suffering abuse is a huge achievement. Hopefully you can get out from under that and enjoy a better life.
 
#3
They people who surround me seem to look down at me or anyone else of you can't meet their standards. I use to be so determined in life hearing about those people who came from terrible backgrounds but grew up to change the world. So I was a hardworking kid trying and trying but not matter how much I try I seem to fail. Another thing that consumes me is my older brother.. he's extremely smart and extremely athletic he's always been in the limelight and he us meant to be the saviour of my family while I was pushed to the corner by my family. They stopped giving me tuition so they could spend money on my brother then they would make it seem legit by saying he would change everything. My brother isn't a bad person he's very nice and kind and is a very protective brother but how he acts and how I was pushed to side makes me angry. Then when I never had helped and did everything by myself just getting average grades I was considered not intelligent and I was not needed.You know when your relatives visit your parents would discuss you? When my relatives were over they would brag about my brother and when I was mentioned it was a "meh he's doing okay" They always acted like if I couldn't get a good grade they would blame me not studying enough . This created a great anger at my brother causing me to become violent. Not only did society treat me like an outcast so did my own family.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#5
Welcome @Equinox - being cast in the role of family savior, and being labelled a failure when you do not conform to expectations is an intolerable burden, but your life is your own and you should not be living it according to a role written by someone else's script. It sounds like you have internalized the standards set by your parents with the result that you have lost sight of your own needs and interests. Our parents can screw us up just by not valuing and appreciating us enough for who we are and encouraging us to develop our inborn potential. Instead of providing us with the conditions in which we can grow up to value ourselves and our achievements, they burden us with unfair expectations and negative judgements which we internalize as low self-esteem. However, your life is not an exam with your parents as judges, and I feel you need to set aside the expectations set upon you and really think about what you want from life, what would make you happy.
 
#6
I suppose I don't know.. maybe the fact the he was always in the spotlight and was showered with love, while i was left in the corner. The fact that he never even seemed to realize what i was going through as his little brother.. The fact he had so many friends and such a perfect lifestyle..
 

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