Isolation and everything I do I fail at...

[Baddy15]

I graduated from College with a high GPA and can't get a job in that field.

I started my own website (high quality content and original) no traffic because the Niche is too competitive.

I make friends with people and they quickly fade off and give up on me.

My husband loves me to death but doesn't listen to me when I talk.

I had to put my career on hold to be a stay at home mom but the isolation is causing me to drink a lot at night time once kids are in bed.

We bought a home 45 minutes a way from everyone and nobody wants to drive that "far" to see me.

I go run errands and try to spark conversations with other customers, employees and fall flat. Like I have an aura that tells people I'm worthless to bother with.

I find that I go out of MY WAY to be extra nice to waiters, cashiers and people in industries that are suppose to be showing customer's hospitality (I don't expect rose pedals but if I smile and say good morning to a cashier and I get completely ignored…you know?) feel like I'm bothering them with my existence.

People just don't like me right off the bat.

I don't get it.

• I'm pretty (not being conceited but trying to convey my characteristics and details) but not intimidatingly pretty, I'm a mom of three LOL if that explains my level of hotness.
• I smile a lot but not in that "she's too annoyingly bubbly," sortove way. More like I spent 4 years as a teenager wearing ugly braces and want to show off the fruits of my labor type of level of smiling.
• I've been told that I'm witty and can carry an entertaining conversation
• I try to stay up to date with fashion but I barely notice new trending styles. I just try to look 2012 but don't care if 2016 styles are hotter. As long as I'm in the decade of fashion what's hot for summer 2016 means nothing to me.
• I always hold the door open for people but barely get a thank you and I don't do it to get a thank you but common courtesy is out the door these days or it's another case of, "People just don't like me right off the bat."

I can't do anything right.

These past two years have been my worst. I contemplate harming myself often but images of my kids growing up without their mommy brings me to tears. Not taking my babies to their first day of first grade comes to my mind and I try to change my bad thoughts of harming myself. They eventually trickle back into my head again.

I go into the bathroom to cry a lot of the times. Nobody wants to visit me, my husband doesn't listen to me and we just adopted a puppy (to cure my isolation and loneliness) that wants nothing to do with me and prefers my husband. Yay me! Dogs don't even like me. I'm feeling the lowest in my life.

Want more salt in the wound? I can't even get online people to like me. I've been a part of three separate forums for a good 4 years for each of them and I can't get people to respond to my comments to get a response from my thread post. I see people on their that instantly get responses and people really like these individuals "most popular poster" if this were a School yearbook and I'd be that person that only has the picture from class picture day but wasn't cool enough to have candid shots taken throughout the school year and placed on the yearbook throughout the pages. Just the default picture day picture where I blinked because the flash always does that to me.

So when you can't get people who are being paid to be nice to you to fake it, or an online forum to talk to you, and a new puppy to humor you with a doggy waddle. No career to look forward to. Each day is the same ole wash dishes, do laundry, take care of three kids that want all of your time and a husband that expects more of your time when he gets home from a "real job" because what I do isn't considered "real job," meaning thankless and unimportant to the real world. What is there to be happy about?

I never leave my house anymore besides grocery store and pediatrician appointments for the kids. I forgot what my car feels like to go for a long drive blasting my favorite music…who's popular in music today, anyway? Is it still N'sync? LOL. An exaggeration on my part but you get the idea. I haven't had a day to myself in a few years and I don't deserve one since I don't have a "real job" and nothing to complain about.

I suffer from bad panic attacks and a couple of them happened while I was driving and I had to pull over and now I get nervous when in the car that it will happen again…Maybe that has something to do with my lack of driving? I really couldn't tell you.

Wow, I'm rambling on here. Or venting? Maybe this is why nobody likes me because I don't know when to shut up, but how can that be when I barely talk anymore. What's the point nobody listens or they try to one up me when I do try to share my feelings. I.e., "I'm feeling lonely and don't know what to do" response I get from the listener is "You think you're lonely? Try …blah blah blah" totally undermining my feelings and taking away any credibility to my feelings by topping my loneliness with a reason why THEY'RE MORE LONELIER THAN I AM SO I SHOULD QUIT COMPLAINING SINCE THEY HAVE IT WORST.

I'll stop babbling. I'm not sharing anything important anyway, just me talking about me and there's nothing special about me.

 

[Lady Snowblood]

First of all, welcome to the forum. And secondly, you do have a right to feel that way. From what you've described above, I
got the impression that everything's perfectly fine with you and your behaviour. You seem like a wonderful person, caring for those
around you and always considering their needs. Don't blame yourself for other people's rude behaviour and lack of empathy.
It's sad to say, but I often get the impression that many people nowadays just mind their own business and don't want to
have anything to do with other people and their problems. These thoughts that nobody likes you, they exist only in your head because
you are so self-critical. And a person's value can't be measured in his/her accomplishments. No matter what society tries to tell you, you
don't have to be an ever-smiling, well-paid manager looking like a supermodel to deserve friendship, love and people who care for you. You also
don't have to follow the current fashion trends. You deserve to be loved and respected just because you are you, no matter if you're
wearing chanel or are dressed in a garbage bag. Don't underestimate yourself and what you are doing everyday, being a full-time
mother and housewife is one of the hardest jobs there is. Although you seem to lack any supporting friends right now, there are enough people out
there and you will find them one day. Please take some time for yourself now and do something good for you, something that makes you
happy. If you have a hobby, join a local club where you will meet others with the same interests, and maybe this will be the start of a new,
great friendship.

 

[Baddy15]

Thank you Lady Snow.

You're absolutely correct about how self-critical I am of myself. I can't seem to let it go because when I see other people with many people liking them I often wonder what they're doing that is such the correct way and what I'm doing is the social axe. It's hard not to feel that my life needs accomplishments to fit in when every time I tell people what I do for a living is SAHM/Blogger I get the okaaaaay look. Like, that's all you do? You're proud of that???

Thanks for the encouraging response.

 

[ThePhantomLady]

Welcome to the forum, Baddy!

I am happy you joined SF, and I truly hope it can help you some. Please feel free to use the forum and the chat as much as you need to. Also my inbox is always open!


I am sorry to hear how you feel and how you struggle. I completely understand those feelings. Despite not being a mother or married I could really see myself in a lot of that.
One thing that is worth remembering though is that a depressed brain loves to tell us lies like "I don't matter. They don't like me... those people would probably not like me to even say hello..." but like I said those are lies. I often get angry (despite not showing it) when a retail or hospitality worker doesn't treat me with respect, heck I've written a million complaints... but one truth is that sometimes those people are under a lot of stress and you might be very unlucky to catch them at a bad time. I am certain it has nothing to do with you.
(I worked in retail once and you know what the funny thing was? I always smiled and treated my costumers kind and I had so many nice costumers... while my co-worker with resting b'tch face who had no idea how to be polite always complained about rude costumers...) Sorry, side track here...

I am sorry you don't feel like you have your husbands support. Have you tried writing down all the things you do in a day? I have such a respect for stay at home mums, you do so much work, and it's full time. As in 24/7. No set coffee breaks, lunch hours. Wow. No wonder you get tired sometimes!

However, have you considered counseling, or are you already getting some help to handle these feelings you deal with?
The drinking isn't healthy for you, not physically and not mentally either. Alcohol strengthens any emotions you have, especially the negative. Regular alcohol intake can also cause and worsen anxiety. Try to remember these and please try to find some healthier outlets somehow. Do you have any hobbies? Does going for a walk in the evening help?
Do consider getting help hun, I don't want you to hurt yourself, and I also don't want your children to grow up without you. You sound like an awesome mother!

You also say that your friends doesn't want to make the drive to you... is there any way you can pack up the kids and visit your friends? Or could you hire babysitter?

Please be kind to yourself and try to get some help. You deserve it hun.

 

[Baddy15]

Thank you, thephantomlady, for your kind response.

I've worked in retail through college and I'm well aware of the stresses that job entails. Tje mean things customers would say to someone that has no control over the business they are shopping in--reason why I go out of my way to be pleasant.

Thank you for the invitation to message you whenever I need a friendly friend. I'm loving this site and I'm so glad I found it.