So... I've had enough of people. I had a very overwhelming meeting with the job center on Friday, 14 experts around a table all having questions about my current state... me having to try to find a way to say stuff without saying triggering (for me) things out loud... stuff like them asking me if I had a support system, if my mother was there for me... and me saying "because of reasons I really try to avoid seeing her..." and mentioning that after DBT group my therapist wants to start trauma treatment for me, to deal with 'stuff' that happened... and that if I got started on a job I might focus more on that job, and ignore my recovery, pretending that 'things' never happened, again... After which my caseworker who I can't stand and don't trust came out and hugged me, saying I had done well at the meeting... I can't stand human touch, for obvious reasons... Then Saturday I was meeting with 3 of my friends from when we were in school... way back in 2009... one of which hurt my feelings bad years ago, but we've never talked about... I just let our friendship slide... but she has no clue really. But despite that we actually had a great day. So much talking, so much catching up... I feel a little sorry for people sitting near us actually. My friends and I were the freaks and geeks in school... that's how we found each other... so I suppose we just forget to care what other people think... we've heard it all before anyway. But yeah... it was what I class as Heavy Human Contact. Right after having hugged my friends goodbye I was on a train to visit my mother... and today I attended a small family lunch... which became very stressy suddenly... And I don't do well with changes in agreements... a leftover from my childhood. Nothing went to plan... and it was all worrying things. My mum's aunts wound on her foot began bleeding before we showed up, and she had to call on a nurse to take care of it. I am so worried she's going to lose her foot... I tried to focus on fixing her TV that broke a few days ago, with my mother hovering over me... making me panic a bit, thinking stupid things like "If I can't fix this, will she punish me??" I couldn't... but I fixed the DVD... which means my mum now has to 'worry' about getting her a new TV... and there were other things... which made my mum need to take a ride in her car... (another bad childhood memory... when I was a very little girl and being 'difficult' she would go to her car and drive away after telling me she might never come back for such a horrible child...). This time she took me with her... and we spoke about her frustrations about all the things she always has to do and fix for her aunt... and how her sister (my aunt) never even asks if she could help... Mum's car then broke... and yeah... more stress... And having grown up with a violent and abusive, both physically and emotionally, mother, her stressing sets off all my alarm bells. So yeah... now I am home... I've locked the door firmly, all my cupboards and my freezer is filled with all sorts of stuff. There is really nothing I need... there is no excuse to leave home (not before DBT on Wednesday anyway). Well... there is one... I'm sick. I have fever, really sore throat, feeling so unwell, not sleeping because I wake up and can't breathe... and I'm coughing stuff up from my lungs, on the 7th day. I need antibiotics... I think this has turned into pneumonia or bronchitis. But I have no interest in going outside and seeing a doctor. There's a bit of lack of selfcare involved as well, I have to admit... Everything else is more important than me and my health... I have some really nice doctors... especially since I changed. They have all treated me well and all... doctors just generally make me feel a bit hopeless. When I've seen doctors about my back, asking if anything can be done to help, they just shrug their shoulders and keep giving me pain relief... Last time someone did something pro-active they sent me to a government paid health center for some 'how to live with chronic pain' group therapy... where they ended up referring me to anxiety group therapy instead... which I said no to, as I was waiting to start DBT, and I'm having solo therapy... and that was not what I came there for... I haven't seen my doctors since that fiasco. I am 26... I have horrible chronic pains... I have to limit and plan anything I do. Everything hurts to do. And nothing really helps... One doctor (my old doctor) had the nerve to tell me that normally scoliosis shouldn't hurt like that... I think he was accusing me of faking my symptoms. The fact of the matter is that I have a very high tolerance for pain (I guess due to growing up with violence and SH)... and I don't dare thinking what this would feel like to a normal person. So yeah... I'm a so called 'healthcare professional' though unemployed... and I know exactly how I sound. And I literally got PISSED at my boyfriend last week for not having seen the doctor before, about him coughing blood up, due to an infection in his lungs, that needed antibiotics. But yeah... I don't matter. Everyone else comes first.