Isolation - Why do I do it?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by brainswithgame, Oct 18, 2014.

  1. brainswithgame

    brainswithgame New Member

    Excuse my terrible formatting and I will probably jump from one point to another and back again. Please bear with me. For years now I find myself craving any human contact, but when someone tries to get close to me I push them away. The sad part is I know I am doing it, but I cant stop myself. I go into a rollercoaster of emotion where I push them away one day and the next I immediately regret it and want to fix things. It become s vicious cycle where I usually end up stop talking to them to save them the emotional struggle of dealing with me. I don't necessarily have a bad life. I am almost done with college, can pay rent, have roommates, plenty of friends, decent looking, no diseases, and I met a girl a while ago. I thought for the first time in years like, "Ok this is it, you are finally happy again and I'm glad I hung on through it all". Then one weekend she visited her family and didn't talk much because of that. Me being me took it as if I am not worthy or that she isn't interested anymore. From that weekend on I have purposefully pushed her away and pulled her back like I always do. This woman is beautiful and amazing and any man would kill to be with her, yet she sticks around for me. I texted her today telling her it would be best if she moved on because I dont deserve her and she shouldn't have to put up with my issues. I know she was really hurt and probably had no idea why it was happening. I want to be able to explain it to her, but I dont know how. I just feel like I am not worth the time and like I will fuck things up eventually anyways. I feel as if I almost love her and it was the hardest thing I have ever done when I told her to forget about me. I just felt like I owed her that. I dont want to hurt her but I know it is inevitable. I feel unworthy of love, anyone's time, and like I am a hassle people put up with. I can't help how I feel and I just sit back and let some other part of me take control and ruin everything. I feel like I dont even have a voice or opinion in my own actions. Not to be cliche, but I feel like dexter from the TV series. I just sit back and let my dark depressed side run my life while the compassionate, loving, happy side of me is forced to watch like some kind of sick self inflicted torture. Any advice, thoughts, or anyone who can relate should feel free to say what you want. Thank you for reading....
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, brainswithgame. Welcome to SF! I'm sorry you're in that kind of push-pull cycle. I am sure that many who read your post will have felt similarly at least a few times. I hope things settle down for you soon.

    You sound like a good person...Maybe keep that in mind more often...? The good news is that you actually recognize that you do that sort of thing. That's a huge step! So was joining us here at SF!

    Have you ever considered talking to a counsellor/therapist? It can be really helpful...One thing some people learn from therapy is that they can trust someone, they can talk about their feelings and the ups and downs of life and not be judged negatively. A therapist can help us to explore the things that might make us feel as though we're not "worthy of being loved" and perhaps ways to stop us from pushing away others who actually DO care about us. Depression is a hard disorder because it seems to jump in and mess up our logic and reason, and we might end up saying and doing things that we kind of know aren't good in the long run. Maybe you could see your family doctor to rule out any physical illnesses that can contribute to feeling depressed and to get a referral to someone like a counsellor/therapist.

    Welcome again and I hope to see you around the forums!
  3. kopterline

    kopterline Member

    Just wanted to say that.. I'm having trouble with relationships also. All kinds of. I can't make friends. At first I thought it was my social phobia. That should be under control now. But in my case I think it's that I don't trust no one. Well I do trust one person, my bf. When we started dating I told him that he should leave, I begged him to leave me. I told him, he well get hurt. He didn't listen. Five years have past and he's still with me and thank God for that. I have no idea what's keeping him with me. I've hurt him so badly. My brain gets so messed up sometimes and I've cried to him that I just wan't to die.. please let me die. I now know that I should try to control myself, because his face.. so much pain, when I'm so down again. Yeah.. that's bad.. Anyway.. I do the same thing, get to know someone, we have same hobbies etc.. then Bang! I isolate myself. Won't answer her calls, won't call back. Week later I crawl back, apologize, everything is okey, until I feel I'm sharing too much. And Bang! again I isolate.. and it never stops. After a while they stop talking to me. I'm glad and I'm sad at the same time. I just can't let them get to know me, because when they know my weaknesses, they can harm me and I can't let that happen.. Oh.. and the weekend thing you had.. I get that too.. I think I'm sort of addicted? Hmm.. to relationships.. It's like I want to own this person?

    Sorry, got carried away.. Hope it helps you to see .. hmm.. Different point of view? I can't remember what I wanted to write at the first place.. sorry