Issues coming to an end??

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sad Rabbit, Oct 9, 2009.

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  1. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    I am about to reach one of them crossroads in life. Basically my life is about to go in one of two directions. If all goes well, my life is going to improve and actually have a little bit of meaning and purpose. It will not solve all my problems (far from it), but it will be a start and maybe things will start to get a bit better.

    Alternatively - and more likely - it's all going to go in the other direction, and it will all spiral out of control downwards and there will be absoultly nothing to stop it. When that happens, I will have hit rock bottom and far beyond what I can tolerate. For me, its game over.

    So whats going to decide my fate? I would rather not say specifically, but suffice to its in the hands of some very unpleasent people in my life who have the power to make or (more likely) break me. Three times in my past, I have been in this position and in the same situation, and three times, I have been so emotionally trumatised, it has taken YEARS to get over it - to be honest, I never fully recovered from the last incident. But now, I find myself in the firing line yet again.

    It could be said that I put myself up for this, to prove that I am actual real person and that organ which sits between my ears actually has a spark of life in it. But I want to prove to myself (before I go out of my way to end it) that at least I maybe I am better than a hopeless failure.

    I feel that I am having to face the one person in this world I would seriously like to inflict severe physical injury to - and at the same time - this person holds my very life in his hands. It sickens me to the lower depths my gut of having to 'confront' him and to play suck-up. But this is what I have to do in order to begin any hope of trying to build a life for myself - even at my age. Chances like this are rare and I could not live with myself if I did nothing about this and sit back and let it pass.

    ..and this all happens in the later part of next week, and possibly by this time next Friday, I will get the magic phone call.

    And to think, the next Saturday, I could be dead.

    I don't know why I writing this...apologies in advance for boring people. I'm just really hyper-stressed right now.
  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Well, I really wish you luck and all the best and courage and everything else that's going to make the outcome the one you want.

  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    You're not boring anyone. I just want to wish you good luck.
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Does an unsuccessful conversation with the person mean you would lose the financial means you need?

  5. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    This will be more than just a conversation. No, I will not lose anything financial, but I do stand to gain a little more. But this is nothing to do with money, its purely a "quality of life" issue and something which has been a lodestone in my life for about eleven years - and this one person who has gone out of their way to ensure the continuity of my perpetual depression (and has gained a great deal of personal pleasure at my expense at the same time).

    There have been several trigger events in my life - I had one recently which resulted in a permanent injury to myself. This particular issue - if it goes wrong - will be the final ultimate trigger and I will make it my prime concern to ensure its the last one. There are many things in my life which I am having trouble coping with, but this has pushed me to the precipice of the abyss. It really doesn't get worse than this!!

    Sorry for being evasive, I would give some details, but I feel uncomfortable in doing so at this time. This is my issue and no one else's, and only I will have to carry the consequences regardless in which direction this all goes. Believe me, there is no one who can help me.

    I guess I'm just venting a bit...
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 9, 2009
  6. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    In anticipation of my life being ruined next week, I have just got off the phone to a hotel and booked myself a room for next saturday and gathered up everything I need to put myself out of this life once and for all.
    If it goes wrong, there will be nothing left here for me.

    Never before have I been as more determined as I am now. There will be no mistakes this time and have gone to lengths to make sure I will not be discovered or found.

    7 days...
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I hope your life doesn't end up being ruined next week.
    I wish there was more I could say; just wanted you to know I care.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    there is always help you don't have to do this. Reach out and call crisis line for help they will give you the support you need. Maybe set you up with connections to help you. Death is not a solution to anything only a permanent ending. Reach out and get help to change your life there is help Glad you posted here we are still here for you anytime.
  9. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    I appreciate what you are saying, but if things go bad, I will not be looking for a solution because there isn't one. I cannot and will not live like this. My only regret right now is that I was not successful last time I tried. A permanent ending will finish all my problems in one final go and make a lot of other people very happy. (This is what I was told BTW).

    So be it.
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm sorry someone said that to you. That's just cruel, and you dying won't make everyone happy. There are people that will miss you.
  11. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    I will have to argue that point. The only people who will miss me will be for the wrong reasons. I will be missed purely by my absence.

    Understand that this "resolution" I have this week (for better or worse) is not something I am going to let happen or simply roll over and get crushed with it with a sense of inevitability - I am going to fight this thing with everything I have. Even now, I am preparing for it as I want to go in fighting and put on the biggest show I can.

    At least if I fail, it won't be without a sense that I haven't tried.
  12. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Hon..From our short conversation yesterday you have given me a glimmer of hope..I only wish that I can repay you..

    Please never forget that I (And many others) are here for you..To listen, share and to try and make sense of this cruel world.

    You would be missed..x
  13. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Today I had some more bad news. Apparently, I'm playing against loaded dice as the odds of anything going my way are stacked against me. I am not surprised by this turn of events, this is how my life has played out. People conspiring against me. I have never knowingly done anything against anyone, I have tried not to hurt anyone - I guess its becuase I'm seen as an easy target that I am denied everything that is given to lesser people.

    So I have taken yet another step forward. I completed my journel with its final chapter and I sat in my room with streaming tears and wrote my final letter. I am ready to die.
  14. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Hon..Please talk to me..If not me then one of the other members..

    Do not leave without talking to one of us..
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I really hope you'll reach out to someone here. My PM box is always open, and I know there are others who feel the same way.
  16. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Never in my life have I been any more stressed than I am now. I keep hearing different things - it may go in favour of me - it may go against me.

    Tomorrow is the day of reckoning. I have spent weeks preparing for this and its all coming to a head...then its the waiting game.

    I just want it over so at least I will have some direction on where to go and what to do.

    I just wish things were better...

  17. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Good luck tomorrow! :hug: I hope things turn out okay.
  18. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Well..thats that over with. I wish I could say if it went well or not, because I honestly don't know.

    But at least its over...and now we wait.....
  19. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Okay. Here we go...

    It's all happened a lot faster than I was told it was going to. Today, I had my phone call.

    Expecting the be told I was successful. It seems now I can unburden my life with one of the main things which has been dragging me though the emotional gutter for well over ten years (To be honest I've lost count exactly how long). The situation was so bad, that I was prepared to put an end to my life rather than prolong an existance which was worthless, tedious and demeening. To make matters worse, I was subject to discrimination, victimisation and secondary bullying. Everything I had sought to accomplish in life was taken from me and my whole purpose of being was under constant repression and subjucation - and what's more there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

    Yes - this is a work thing. Getting another job was never going to happen as I have spent so much effort in trying and getting nowhere. I can fill my CV/resume up with a whole string of qualifications, but I cannot qualify myself against nepotism and blatent favourtism. Its not funny watching other people get promoted over you, especially people who are less qualified and incapable. Then having to suffer them telling you what to do. I was (maybe still am) going down with depression and stress and it has left me emotionally scarred.

    But Fate works in funny ways and a series of oppertunies came my way and a number of chances slotted together..which paved the way for me to get a promotion. I'm still not quite out of the woods yet, there is still a political game to be played out...

    But today, I crossed a major threshold in my life and a mountain of misery has ended for me.

    For the first time in many years, I feel I have a future. I am worth something more than the space I occupy and I can finally achieve something in my life.
    I know I have been evasive and a little cryptic in my postings - to be honest, it was difficult and stressful writing about it, which is why I kept it vague. Talking about it would make my blood pressure rise, then I feel angry, then I would trigger.

    Of course, I'm on a high right now and reality has to set in a little bit. I realise that this new position may be a 'poison chalice' and things may go downhill. But I'm being (for the first time in many years) optimisic and will try to make the best of it.

    I would like to thank all those who responded to me and maybe now I would like to try to help others who have felt as badly as I have.

    I don't consider myself "out of the woods" yet as far as depression goes, I still have some fairly serious home issues to deal with, but at least I can cope with them on better terms and with a brighter outlook on life.

    Graham "Not-so-sad Rabbit".
  20. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm so glad things are looking up for you!!! :) Congrats on the promotion, you deserve it. :hug:
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