Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by renal459, Jan 31, 2012.

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  1. renal459

    renal459 Member

    I've been an inpatient on a paediatric ward for some time now. Slowly, the more and more emotionally unstable I have become, the more the staff here have stripped my room of everything.. I doubt they would even leave a pen in my room incase I tried to do something 'dangerous' with it.

    Its my own fault really. Its harder to get things out when you're stuck in a room all day.. So I keep it all in, and sit quietly planning my runaway excape from the hospital. Until my thoughts and emotions become far too much to keep in, and then I dont know what to do..

    Last night was one of many nights where I've gone wild.. Completely lost it..
    Once again I got upset and fed up and irritated and I pulled out my IV lines, feeding ng tube, catheters and drains.. I do it all the time, and I can't help it.. I just lose it..
    I throw things and scream and shout and end up with every nurse on the 11th and 12th floors stood in or outside my room trying to calm me down. Embarrassing kinda :/
    I don't even know if you can call it 'Self Harm' but I get a relief from it, and I feel better for doing it..

    Until a few hours later when they send a doctor in and I realise I've gotta have new tubes and lines put in (cry). I do it all the time at dialysis too.. They'll get my needles in, and within about 20 minutes of starting I'll get emotional and kick off.. Last night I only had 25 minutes of dialysis when I'm supposed to have 4 hours.. And its all a big vicious cycle. The less dialysis I get, the crappier I feel.. The crappier I feel, the more I kick off and pull needles out.. The more I do that, the less dialysis I get..

    Sigh. :(
  2. princessofelegance

    princessofelegance Well-Known Member

    Have you got anyone to talk to about the difficulties you are facing, which leads you to pull your IV drips out?
    Maybe talking to someone, Just venting all your fed up and irritated feelings to someone might make it easier.
    There are always lots of people on here including myself who are willing to talk.
    Keep your chin up.
  3. renal459

    renal459 Member

    The only people I see are hospital staff, and they are all so mean :(

    At dialysis yesterday I pulled my needles out again, and my IV lines and my catheter and ng tube.. Its been over 24 hours without them, and I've refused to have them replaced (except the catheter, thats back).
    I don't want them back in, because I know that i'll end up stressing and pulling everything out again. Its draining - physically and emotionally. And I'm so lonely :/
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