isthere any fucking way to fix this one and for all?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by whyyy, Nov 1, 2010.

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  1. whyyy

    whyyy Member

    i'm tired of being told to see a therapist/counselor, then weeks later start taking pills to "treat", IF I WANTERD TO TAKE GODDAMN PILLS I WOULDN"T NEED A GDAMN COUSELOR! All they do is make you "happy" with your life, take the edge off... THE PROBLEMS ARE STILL THERE ONLY YOU CAN"T FEEL IT AND DONT CARE CUZ UR SO MEDICATED?

    Oh but there's talking as well. MORE BULLSHIT! I'll admit it helps, but only for a while.

    NOTHING
    EVER
    GETS
    FIXED!

    THe shit just gets covered up by meds, and comes back when you tire of the meds' side affects so u stop taking them.

    Or it comes back when you tire of talking and stop. I dont want to spend the rest of my fucking life in a counselors office I WANT TO BE NORMAL LIKE EVEYRBODY ELSE Y THE FUCK CANT I DO THAT???>

    If I wanted meds I would have just kept smoking grass and drinking and doing any drug I can get a hold of. I get rid of all that and try to live "healthy", and succeedd at living healthy, but the same fucking problems are there and they always come back

    This morning it just occured to me that suicide doesn't scare me anymore and thats some scary shit cuz i'm crying at work and people are gonna find out about me

    I used to win by saying that no matter how bad things got, i'd never be able to find a woman that loves me and i her if i killed myself. THat asd long as i'm alive there's a chance THE SMALLEST FUCKING CHANCE but thats not working any more

    people say "be patient you'l find someone" and "don't be in a hurry" WEll im fucking 46 years old wtf! WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG

    i gotta go hiude for a bit cuz people will see me crying at my desk and that will b ring a whoile bunch of shit down on me that i dont need, like what i have isn't enough

    itsn ot fucking fair it just iosnt the entire goddam planet is in on this secret and i've spent my life on the outside looking in why can't i be normal ididnt fucking ask for this

    counselors thereapists doctors it's all "treatment" well I DONT WANT TO BE TREATED DAMIT I WANT TO BE CURED! ANd if i cant be fixed then what s the fuckin point? A life of pills? Of tuesday night don't-kill-yourself meetings?

    SOME PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY I SHOULD NOT KILL MYSELF BECAUSE LIKE I SAID IT"S NOT SCARING ME ANYMORE AND IM STARTING TO BELIEVE THAT THE LITTLE CHANCE ISNT THERE ANY MORE EITHER SO SOMEBODY STEP UP AND TELL ME WHY I SHOULD LIVE
     
  2. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i hear you!!!

    im on the pills too...... just doping my life away so i dont commit. 3 years ive spent in bed almost 4. now i cant face outside functions such as my kids school events etc.

    just last week i was trying out a new method - certain this time, but still i stopped. im better im bed than dead to my family.

    it sounds like you are under a hell of a lot of preasure!!! fuck that just make things a hundred times worse for you!!!

    i know what you mean by being cured, ive cried it at my dr. so many times, i dont want to just feel well i want to be cured and back to normal. and whoops up goes my dose. ive settled for that I AM ACTUALLY SICK AND NEED TIME TO CURE LIKE ANY OTHER SERIOUS SICKNESS. only mental sickness everyone expects you to act as normal well fuck them its not that easy.

    i wish you the best and hope things turn for the better soon and you can see an improvement even if its a small one.

    good luck pal and we are all here to help, we are all in the same boat. which is seriously FUCKED UP!!!!
     
  3. whyyy

    whyyy Member

    First thanks for the reply. I went for a 30 minute walk and that helped a bit.


    Probably doesn't matter anyway. Nothing ever changes. These little bits of happiness I experience every so often are nothing more than infrequent rays of sunshine in a sky that's ALWAYS cloudy. THey poke through from time to time just to let me know that there is a sunny side to life and i'll never be a part of it. No matter that I quit drugs, quit smoking, quit drinking, lost weight, eat healthy, and exercise every god damn day, no matter how much I do of what the Bright Shiny People (meaning people in a relationship with a significant other) tell me to do i'll never be through the clouds and in to the sun. Spend the rest of my life busting my ass to get there, and it'll never happen. Only glimpses of what could be but will never be.

    I can't even type out what the problem is because I just know there are peeps that would laugh at me and think it's a grand fucking joke (only it isn't). And right now I don't think I could handle that. That would be just another example of how mean this life is, how unfair it is, and most of all how the people "that have" look down on the people that "don't have". THat's so unfair and wrong.

    Therapists will take me seriously... at least until my medical coverage limit of 14 visits in a calendar year have been used up.

    Meds will work, if I want to spend my days sleeping. And even then, they'll only work until my liver gives out from processing all the crap that's in the pills.

    Recreational drugs will help, until the lungs go from smoking, or the same thing with the liver for pills or booze, or i drive while high and get in an accident.

    But my final back-to-the-sea defense to suicide has always been that as long as i'm alive there's a chance that I can realize my dream (and yes for me it is a dream, for everybody else it's just a normal way of being... hell most peeps abuse it it's so common), It may be an incredibly small chance, but a chance nonetheless. This morning I came to the conclusion that's not correct, then I thought if that's the case then suicide isn't so bad. Why hang around? Nothing will change. There's no reason for me to be here because society (or god or whoever) will not let me be a part of it, so what's the big deal?

    Then I realized that I wasn't as afraid of myself giving-in to my logic as i've always been. It didn't (even as I write this it doesn't) scare me nearly as bad as itused to. I think i've crossed a border here, one of realization or acceptance or finality... I don't know the word i'm looking for, but I think i've "gone over" to an area that i've never been to as far as suicide is concerned, and where I used to be very afraid of going to that area (because it's one step closer to killing myself), now i'm not. I'm not happy about it, or eager for it. Actually, i'm not anything about it. There's nothing. No fear, hesitation, dread, nothing. A couple hours ago that revelation in itself was frightening, and i think it created a panic within me (or magnified an already existing panic). Now, as I write this, as I think about it, if I truely want a cure that's better than the sickness itself, suicide is probably the answer.

    There's the phrase "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", and that phrase is often used to stop people from killing themselves. Well, what if the problm isn't temporary? What if it has existed for 30-35 years? Sure as hell doesn't sound "temporary" to me.

    It's so unfair, so wrong, and nobody can help. so unfair
     
  4. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    gawd you articulate your feelings quite well. :console:

    this is a place of support. Whether you choose to go or stay...it is a place of support. No judgement calls on what your reasoning is.

    you know, going to share something with you. Other ppl thought it was a dumb reason for ditching out on life. There was a 16 year old boy. I knew him quite well. still have a folder full of his last emails. He tried to get help, put honest effort into it. You know his expressed reason for killing himself? He had a month countdown begging ppl to help him find a solution, only one person took him seriously. the countdown began in june, and would end the night before a family vacation in a warm climate, a place where he could not wear long sleeves to cover the scars.

    HE came up with no solution, and now he is gone...because he couldn't hide the scars. I don't know what your situation is, but it might help to talk about it. you have a wealth of ppl at sf willing to walk with you and perhaps offer a bit of hope from experience. Should anyone scoff at your reasoning, i'll be on them...likely no one will though.


    as far as a reason to live...i can't intellectualize at the moment as all i am is raw feeling. I'm sure someone here can explore this with you.
    **hug**
     
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It is unfair...how long have you been on the medication? sometimes, it takes a while for the side effects to go away...also did you tell your pdoc about the side effects???? I have also been in therapy an adult life, and it does make me feel a little better, but considering how I felt...I'll take a little better...so sorry you are so frustrated, but glad you posted...please continue to let us know how you are doing...J
     
  6. whyyy

    whyyy Member

    ok..

    Apparently i've been "cursed" when it comes to women. I can not, no matter what I do, establish a relationship with a woman. ANd by relationship I mean friendship and physical intimacy, somebody in my corner like i'm in there's, her and I against the world, mutual need for each other, prefer to be together no matter what becasue being apart sux. That kind of relationship. I just can't have it. I'm not allowed, no matter how hard I try, what my age is, how much money I have, how good of a listener I am, how understanding or supportive I am, how funny I am, what shape I am, what fucking country i'm in, whether i'm looking for the largest most rotund woman or the smallest one. NO MATTER WHAT I DO I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOMAN.

    So who is not allowing me? Who's the culprit? Good question. GREAT question. I don't believe in god, or a supreme being or "creator" that controls my life bu SHIT for the life of me it seems like someone's determined to NOT let me be normal like every else on the planet. When it comes to men and women, it's like the whole world is "in" on this secret EXCEPT me. THis is made more amazing because it really dos feel like the entire planet. Everywhere you look, there are people that are together, people that were together, people that will be together. People that take this ability join with another person in such a way as to make them a part of themselves (albeit figuratively speaking).

    Everybody can do this except me and I don't know why. I can't pin it down. Part of me says it's due to my childhood shit. Lots of bad things happened in a short periood of time, then a lot more happened over the course of a couple decades (right up my mid 30's) before I started to try and address the issue(s). But then I think we'll, i'm not the only one that's had it bad. In fact, there are probably thousands of people that have had it worse than me BUT THEY CAN HAVE THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP AND I CAN'T SO FUCKING WHY?

    I've come to view a man/woman relationship with such high regard that to me it is (or would be) a fantasy come true. A dream relized. The ultimate achievement. A relationship with a woman for me would be the equivalent of "and they rode off into the sunset and lived happily ever after". I view that kind of relationship with awe and respect and desire and need. So in my mind I feel i'm worthy of that type of relationship. But then I see sooooo many people who take that ability to get that kind of relationship with such nonchalance, such "i don't give a shit", such "if i hurt someone or mess up no big deal i'll just get another one". These people don't relaize how fucking lucky they are AT ALL and they keep doing it. THey keep taking it for granted and never learning and i'm like SHIT LOOK AT ME I WOULDN'T TREAT ANYBODY LIKE THAT. You'd think women who were tired of being mistreated by men would jump all over a guy like me. Somebody that would respect them, honor them, treat them with equality and love and caring and fairness. BUt no, not allowed, not me.

    Because of my childhood experiences (I believe this to be true), I have never had the desire to have my own family, to have/raise kids. I just haven't. BUt more than that, I've gone oout of my way to ensure that I don't EVER be in a positioon where I would be a father figure. THere's just no way i'm willing to take the chance of failure on something like that, because I know (from a kids perspective) the price of failure.It is everlasting, never ending, runs deep and hurtful and it colors all things in life in some way/shape/color. ALL things. Two adults can get together, swear they love each other and will be together for eternity and ectually mean it. THen decide they hate each other guts and drift apart. Sure it must hurt, really REALLY hurt, but they're adults. They went in to that relationship with open eyes. They may hurt, but they'll adjust and move on. They;ll learn from the pain and go right in to another relationship, practicing the pro's learned from previous relationships and try to avoid the cons. THe adults can do this, but not the kid. THe kid gets stuck with that fucking mess their entire life and IT'S NOT FAIR AND I WANJUSTICE FOR THAT! I WANT PAYBACK FOR THE SHIT THEY PUT ME THRU! I WANT THAT AND I know i'll never get it.

    So unfair, so unjust, so wrong. They moved apart, went their ways, and i'm stuck with it replaying in my fucking soul for life.

    In high school the mutual attraction was dope. But we never actually did it because I was too afraid to walk in to a drug store and buy condoms. ANd i was the ONLY one (it seemed) that didn't want a kid. Teenage pregnancy was a thing to be avoided at all costs. So while my male friends were out poking anything they could (and never having negative ramifications because of it), I was "the smart one" or "the mature one" or "the responsible one".

    Get out of high school and a year later i'm in the air force. Only now I can't date because I have such a poor self image, which in turn leads to drinking a LOT. I ask one girl out to dinner, and from the moment I arrive to pick her up she's all "I have to be back by 10 so I can go see my friend". 10! On a Friday night! Why did she even decide to go to dinner with me i'll never know. But it stuck in my head. It also occured to me I was doing to myself what my folks had done to me, so there would be no way I could ever have a girlfriend while
    I was in the Air Force.

    Growing up we moved like 9 or 10 times from the time I was 4 or 5 up until I grduated. Always leaving the friends I knew, being put in a place where I didn't know anyone, and never stayting there long enough to really establish a friendship becasue sure enough we had to move again. A few times we moved back to where I had the most friends for the longest time, but that didn't help. All that did was cement my position as a outsider because all of
    them had been together for x-amount of time, while I had been gone for x-amount of time and was not playing catch-up. So I ended up being an outsider of sorts even among the people I had known the longest. And in joining the air force I was doing to myself what my parents had done: making myself move every two years. You can't have a relationship if you're going
    to be leaving every two years in the air force. THere' s no guarantees that you'll stay together. So it would have been just like growing up: make friends, two years later leave em all and start over, two years later do it again, then again. So I took an early out.

    Now i'm a civilian, I have control where i'm going to stay and for how long. NOW I can finally get a girlfriend and be like everybody else. Only, I can't because now i'm a "weekend drunk" and full-time dope smoker. I wouldn't admit it at the time, but I had relaized how the booze and drugs were numbing my pain and I liked that. SO I did it whenever I could. Couldn't drive if I was dirnking, had too much to lose. Couldn't smoke pot if I was
    at a bar cause I met get busted. SO I end up staying at my place and self-medicating into oblivion. On the rare occaision when i'd ask a girl out, the answer was always no. SHe had a boyfirend, she was getting over a break-up, or just "no". That was ok though,cuz I was young and I could go get high.

    So after 3 years out of the air force my job decides to go to another state and I go with them. I spent another 3 years in PA drinking and drugging to kill the pain. I'd ask a girl out every now and ten, she'd say no, i'd move on. That's the way it always had been, but it was ok because I could get drunk/high and that was enough.

    I should say that every time a girl had said no it was crushing to me. I mean devastating. I've never been a quickly resilient guy. I've managed to bounce back alright, but where it would take a normal person a week or so, it took me months. My reason was/is: everytime I ask a girl out she says no, I get hurt and ask what's wrong with me, no one can answer me so I go back to booze and drugs, end of story. Only, it wasn't the end of the story, because there has always been this "urge" to keep at it. To find my woman, the ONE WOMAN ON THE PLANET THT"S FOR ME AND NO ONE ELSE. So every time I identified a woman that I thought might be the one, it was only after several weeks of "building her up" in my mind. THen, after that build up, the inevitable rejection and comlete crash of all hopes, followed by "why me" and "what did i do"... That's where I'd stay mentally for the next several months or couple years,until the "urge" happened again. THen it was the same shit... build up, ask, reject, depression...

    I end up moving to Maine and living with my parents (mom and stepdad). After abut a year I had a big fight with my mom. She accused me of doing drugs when I hadn't been. She said my mood was like one minute i'm laughng and super happy, then i'm grumpy and swearing. She told me to either get help (counseling) or move out, so I got counseling. Back then I was naieve
    enough to think that couseling and meds were the answer. Not at first, but after a couple years of therapy (brainwashing) and meds (legal dope). I started to believe I was getting better, that meds were the way (combined with counseling). I believed tht until I tried asking a couple girls out and they both ahd said no. I was wondering wtf I had done wrng this time? I was in counseling, taking meds, a member of the supposedly mature and enlightened people who realize that the mind needs "tune-ups" on occaision just like your
    car, and that the negativity associated with mental illness was completely wrong and stereotypical.

    It was also during that couple years of counseling that I was labled with the term PTSD, and that it had happend (origianlly) when I was a kid, but had been reaffirmed thru various actions throughout my life. I took the prozac for a while, then stopped becasue I was tired of taking pills, then got depressed again and tried paxil, then went thru the hell of getting off of that(withdrawal from that was very smilar to what i was feeling today.. like I was going to suddenly burst in to tears becasue EVERYTHING is hopeless). THen I went back to Prozac for a while, then I stopped and wnet back to smoking cigarrettes and dope and being a weekends drunk.

    THis brings me up to the past couple years. I used to be a hardcore PC gamer, but the games got different and I lost the interest (and the money). So I decided one morning i'd give the "health kick" a try. I mean a really REALLY good try. By this time I was a confirmed pessimist, and i was going to prove all thosepeople wrong (the ones that talk about eating healthy and exercise). So I started eating healthy, and walking, then walking a LOT, then riding my mtn bike a LOT, and I stuck with it because I could see a steady decrease in weight week-after-week. SO after a while of doing that, I had dropped 46 pounds since January of this year, I went and bought new clothes (had to really). I was making myself over, a brand new me that looked pretty good when I was wearing clothes that fit. I didn't do drugs, didn't smoke, was healthy, I started thingking maybe I should give the dating
    thing a try again.

    I Hit several sites, plenty of fish, singles net, match.com, yahoo. I ahd profiels all over the place. There women, lots of em, but they had kids and I didn't want that. THen there's be the occaisional woman that didn't have kids (or theones she had were grown and living on their own). We'd email/phone each other for a while, then EVERY FUCKING TIME they'd find someone else. Most of the time this happened before we even met in person, but it also
    happend after we met as well. EVERY TIME. And no reason was given, other than the general "there's just no spark" or "we didn't click" or every mans' favorite "ccan't we just be friends". EVER FUCKING TIME!

    And let me state that i'm not being picky (other than the kids and if they lived like 100 miles away). I've always preferred women that were "thick". Not fat/obese, but thick or "larger". In my mind, i'm finding women that I think are attractive that most men WOULDNT think are attractive and i'm going after them and STILL GETTING REJECTED! THe women that should be happy spomebody is finding them attractive "just as they are" and not trying to change them are saying no to me. WHY?

    So then I figure fuck it, i'll go for the throat so-to-speak. I'll try an adult web site. Instead of trying to get a date and build on the "good and wholesum things that make a truely great relationship", i'll go for sex first and THEN look for the rest. BUt like always, I keep getting shot down. I'm going for the women that i'm attracted to. THey're not super models, they're not really REALLY good looking, They're average, middleaged,attractive. You'd think, being middle aged myself, i'd be in the sweet spot, but no. We jsut email then she says sh'e found someone else...

    We email then talk on the phone then she says she's found someone else...

    We email, talk on the phone, and meet for coffee, then she says she's found someone else...

    Which brings me to last friday thru today...

    On Monday I tried a new adult site. By Friday I was having email and IM conversations with 4 different women, 1 of which hadintiated contact herself! I was flying high! HAppy as a clam. I was getting along great with them all, but 1 in particular I really connected with. I mean I REALLY REALLY connected with her. She was funny, smart, witty, very easy to talk to, good looking, close by. EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT as of Saturday night. Then during a chat she says her sisters having problems and she's gotta go, and on Sunday mnorning I get an email saying "she's found someone she want to see exclusively, Good luck to me".

    I was floored. I had NEVER connected with a woman like I had connected with her. NEVER! It blows my mind how we were getting along so well then BAM! Just like that i'm on the outside again. BUt not entirely....

    ANother women, who lived even closer, was going to meet me sunday morning for coffee at dunkin donuts. She looked even better! She was "thick" which was perfect! Very very beautiful. We got along, she actually made it easy for me to talk to her. I thought she was perfect. We talked for two hours before she said she had to go.

    SUnday afternoon I sent her an email giving her a bunch of compliments (not fluff talk, i meant every one of them). And I asked her if she wanted to go out again. She didn't get back to me. I talked to her via IM several times during the day, each asking her if she had read the email, and each time she avoided the question by saying she had to do this or that. THis morning I asked her again if she had read the email, only I also wrote the " i was getting a bad feeling about her answer becasue she kept avoiding answering me". AND SURE THE FUCK ENOUGH SHE SEND ME AN EMAIL SAYING THERE'S NO "SEXUAL SPARK" BUT SHE"D LIKE TO BE FIRENDS!

    Well I read that and now nothing else matters. ALL the times this has happened before (and all pain that went with those times) seems to have built up over time and it all hit me at once. Right outta left field rejection after rejection, depression and rage and sadness and resolved finality and the old familiar hopelessness all in a compacted ball shoved right down my throat. I've done my best at taking care of my body and my mind, and I still can't
    do what everybody else seems able to do. Counseling, drugs (legal drugs), exercise, diet, all trying to make me a better person, and I get the same results I got when I was smoking everything in site and drinking like a fish. What's the goddamn point then? I'm doing all of this for the unknown "her", and when I find her, the best ones i've ever met in my life, it's still rejection after rejection after rejection after rejection after rejection...

    Iv'e had this discussion with my parents and various counselors, and they've all patronized me over the years and said shit like "don't worry it'll happen" and "relaxe some things take time" and just plain old "dont' worry about it". They'd tell me "it's a big sea, go get another fish YOU'RE BOUND TO FIND SOMEONE". My counter to that is "IT'S A BIG SEA YET
    EVERY
    SINGLE
    FUCKING
    TIME
    I
    CAST
    THE
    NET
    I get rejected. EVERY TIME! I've got a lifetime history of women saying no to me and I dont' know what the fuck i'm doing to deserve that. I'm not fat, I don't stink of cigarettes, i'm not slurring my speach because im drunk, I'm no movie star, but i'm not ugly either so i must look AT LEAST "ok" becasue we trade face pics before we meet (and even the ones I never met that rejected me only did so several days/weeks AFTER the pics had been exchanged).

    I gotta stop now i'm getting tired. I typed this up in notepad before I posted it becasue i knew it would take time.

    SO what do I have to do to get a girlfriend like everybody else? Can anybody appreciate the shame and humiliation I'm feeling as I write all of this? It's like i've not only failed as a man, i've failed as a human. Almost from birth it's been a series of denials and failures and depression and sadness, but with a continual amount of teasing from life itself (my clouds and ray of sunlight thing in an earlier post). WTF did I do to deserve? WHat am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?
     
  7. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    ***hugs***
    gee fellow, it doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong at all.
    you are doing all the right things. Women are odd...honest.

    I know there are several other fellows on the board who have had similar experiences and i'm hoping they will respond to you. You are not alone in your experience, several guys here have run into similar situations/experiences.

    I don't want to tell you what everyone else keeps telling you; hold on, wait, she's out there.

    You do deserve to find that special person...how one accomplishes that, i'm really quite unsure :sad:

    i would hate to see you give up...you deserve to find her, honest. You deserve to find that happiness, connection, relationship :console:

    I can hear how much this is tearing you up inside, and your feelings about it are valid. You are not asking for much, it just seems to keep eluding you for some reason. I see no fault on your part...it's not like you are doing something wrong.

    I wish i were not feeling so poorly today, perhaps i could be better support.

    I know you've heard it before, try to hang in there...let's see if some of the guys here have any suggestions for you or ideas. I'm so sorry life has been doing this to you.

    ***hugs*** for you. I hear you. I hear what you are saying and i even understand.
     
  8. Dude111

    Dude111 Well-Known Member

    Hello.....

    Please stop taking MEDS,i had a friend who was on MANY ANTI-DEPRESSION MEDS AND HE KILLED HIMSELF AND I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE MEDS!!

    http://www.naturalnews.com/019342.html


    Try to get off them and then we can work on the problem your having ok?
     
  9. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    There are a few things you must understand.

    (1) Pills do not fixed EXTERNAL problems which makes you depressed.

    (2) You may never meet someone of the opposite gender who is willing to be your wife.

    (3) The world sucks and the world will most like continue to suck until the day you die.

    If you cannot accept those three point then you will be very very miserable.

    Steven Siew
     
  10. whyyy

    whyyy Member

    I stopped the meds, so where does that leave me? WAaaaaaay back where my mom told me to get help or leave. In between time i've been "diagnosed" with PTSD, spent hundreds of hours talking/typing, thousands of dollars on meds. dr. visits, counseling sessions, and I did all this over the course of years...

    If i had just said "ok mom i'll leave see ya" back then, I would hve been right where I am now. So it's another case of maximum effort for minimal (and even that is temporary) gain.

    And I understand pills do not fix external problems. But external problems act as triggers or on switches for internal problems that lay dormant until they're activated (or aggravated, because if i'm honest with myself i'm almost always depressed/thinking about doing myself in one way or another... external stimuli (like being rejected AGAIN...) just intensifies the effect).

    I just can't accept that I may never meet a woman. Just typing that out brings tears to my eyes. That has got to be the best, most human-defining relationship a man can have, and it's not fair that i'm not being allowed to have it. I've done nothing wrong, done everything "as right" as I can, and it's like i'm being punished. It's like some "thing" is saying, in oh-so-dramatic tones "forever will you see, where ever you look, that which you desire, crave, yearn for. And forever will it be denied to you". Man what the fuck...

    No the world doesn't suck. If it did, then everyone would be in the same boat I am, and they're not. People don't walk around smiling/laughing/joking/loving/being HAPPY, day-after-day-after-week-after-week-after-month-after-year-after (well you get it) in a world that sucks. No, for SOME people the world sucks, and for SOME people (most from where i'm sitting) the world doesn't suck. I want to be one of those people, the world-doesn't-suck people, and no matter what I do or how hard I try or how long I commit I just keep getting shot down and it's not fucking fair.

    At this point usually someone says "well Joe, life isn't fair". Then I usually shut up because if that's true, then killing myself really is the only alternative, because NOTHING will EVER get better.
     
  11. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member


    Women, you see find men to be like products. They choose the best product for themselves. Hence the phrase "he is a good catch". They shop around and chooses for themselves. Just think about the way you choose a car.

    The world does suck. It's just that different people are affected differently. If you are rich (or skilful), then you can make your life more comfortable with money. Those who are neither rich nor skilful would have to face the world (which sucks) face on and without any buffer. Just ask the homeless.

    Oh. Life is never fair. Some people are born with defects while others are perfect. Maybe you and I are born with depression genes or even suicidal genes. After all doesn't suicide run in families?

    Other people are happy, you are sad. Other people have girlfriends or wives. You never even experience a date. Other people have good personalities, your personality sucks. It all seems like the luck of the draw. Other people get a great hand at poker, your hand is crap. There is no why. That's what you get. Unless you are God, you are unable to change it.

    I can't change it. I am just as powerless as you are. If women does not CHOOSE you, there is nothing I can do about it. I can give you all the advice in the world, but some woman must still choose you out of her own free will.
     
  12. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Probability says that some people will be chronically unlucky. There're innumerable particles all around us. Sometimes the molecules fundamentally arrange themselves in your favor and sometimes they don't. Intent and effort can put the odds in your favor, but they cannot eliminate the possibility of still being unlucky. Chaos or ignorance cannot be completely eliminated.

    So one day you might meet her but it'll be on the face of a cliff with moments to spare before you plummet to your deaths.

    This is probably the reality for some people, but the rest of us are so well off (by comparison) that we just blame you (mistakenly).

    Think about all of the good people that have died from cancer or disease or auto accidents (drunk drivers?). Think about all of the children that're born in broken nations that cannot look after them properly and they henceforth grow up uneducated and undernourished. People will try to overcome these challenges, but many times it's not enough. Chaos takes them. There're too many examples. And many of them will get blamed for it as well. Nature doesn't shed tears. We might, but it's like a funeral for a single celled amoeba.

    You can increase your odds by going after women that're less attractive to you (i'm assuming that there's a limited population of women you're attracted to and thus there's a limit on the available bandwidth and a longer seek time). Of course, even this cannot eliminate the possibility that you will still fail and fall into misery and despair. That would be terrible, but it can't be ruled out. Good luck!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 2, 2010
  13. whyyy

    whyyy Member

    @StevenSiew -

    Then what's the point of going on? I'm sorry but what you're writing is kind of lending creedence to me leaning towards ending it, and that's not something I thought I would read on these forums.

    You basically say "this is it, here ya go, take it or leave it, love it or hate it, this is all there is and unless you're a god you can't change it". I that's true then there really is no point in making an effort to achieve what I want, because no matter what I do it all comes down to chance, to things out of my control.

    I'm tired of being "chance's play thing". I make no effort and I get shit. I make an effort and I get shit. I make an even better effort and I get shit. No need to make any effort after all, because it's all about chance, a thing I can't control. So I end up taking what chance gives and feeling miserable for ever, or end and see what happens then (if anything).

    @johnnysays -

    I have gone after women that are less attractive to me. I don't hink I made this clear up front, but all these women that have always rejected throughout my life, ALL OF THEM, have been women that I thought were "not as beautiful as X, but damn good enough for me" type of women.

    I guess another way of putting it would be to say that all the women i've gone after are women that i've "settled" for. They're the women that I think I have a chance with becasue they DON'T have the qualities that all the other bright n shiny people are looking for. They're heavier, shorter/taller, less educated than most. Everybody wants the perfect blonde, and i've been trying like hell to get the next best thing to that and i STILL fail.

    So what do i do? Lower my expectations even more? I've thought about that many, many times. The thing is, if i'm not attracted to her, I won't ask her out. But it almost seems that the ONLY women i'll get to say "yes" to me are the ones that i'm not attracted to. Where does that leave? With a woman that i'm not attracted to. Miserable casue I can't get one, then miserable cause I could/did. Murphy's fucking Law is the story of my life.

    You write it can't rule out the possibility that I will fail. For me and my life it's not "possibility" but "certainty", and i've reaffirmed that statement over decades. Well shit, the thought train has left the station...

    I'm at work and I keep getting interrupted so i've lost my train of thought several times. We'll see what happen when the next wave hits
     
  14. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Gee, hang in there fellow :console: I typed an encouraging response to you but a power glitch shut down my pc and i lost it all. I'm having a horrendous day myself. I'm having difficulty focusing and concentrating at the moment but please...just hang in there and i'll try to respond to you.

    There are a few good fellows on the board, who have experienced this in the past and some who are currently going through this. They also seem to have a fairly stable outlook and i so wish they would respond to you as i am a woman and my support/comments are likely not what you really need.

    I think there is hope for you...i think what you want is worth holding out for.

    give me a bit and i'll try to get a response to you.

    Try to hang in there despite the negativity...i was a bit appalled myself, and just saying that i'm opening the door for a public lynching. ...about the best we can do is acknowledge okay, that is their opinions, but there are plenty of other viewpoints out there and i so wish some fellows would step forward to offer some support and encouragement.

    Sigh

    **hugs**
     
  15. NothingMan

    NothingMan Member

    It seems that most of your depression is coming from your perceptions of external influences and not something so much internal that a pill can fix . I'm going to say some things about women that I have perceived that are not intended to insult women in general but may anyway . My apologies in advance to the women who will read this as I"m sure it does not pertain to each and every woman on the planet . As Steve stated , women look upon a man as a product and I agree with this . This product is selected in order ultimately to provide her with security , for herself and for her future children or children from a previous relationship . Perhaps this a genetic program from ancient pre-civilization days as the female has had to rear and nurture children while the men were out hunting or warring. Alpha males are perceived as filling the bill and you see this in other species when mating season rolls around .Women these days seem to want either the bad boy type with the stupid tatoos all over and the motorcyle or hot rod / rocker stereotype or the good looking lover boy type. I also hear the female friends I've had over the years talk about the sizes of the mens hands they look at too ( we know what that one means ) so this seems to be a factor too as much as I've heard them mention it . All of the women I am friends with now who around my age which is the same as yours btw , are all divorced except for one who is very unhappily married . This is because they selected their husbands based on superficial choices and now they're all pissed about it . By the way , most of them were the bad boy types who had great tatts and large hands :laugh:.They all hate their exes with a passion and most of them would rather see them dead but they're not quite ready to chance another relationship although they are hoping to find Mr Next soon . An experienced middle aged to older woman will now select a somewhat younger man who probably doesn't have as much baggage i.e. he's never been married or was briefly and that she can order around and kick to the curb if she senses any misdeeds. As I see it here the guy is getting the short end of the deal here because he's getting a person who has a hell of a lot of baggage . He's elated because he's finally found someone and is blind to the fact that he's being led around on a leash. I'm sorry to sound cynical here but this is what I've observed over the years. None of this means that there are not plenty of wonderful divorced women in your age group out there. I think I'd have to wonder about one around our age who had never been married .
    So before you off yourself heres my suggestion . First off you should get the hell out of the place you're in . Theres nothing to hold you there especially since you don't have kids . I've often thought if I were about to jump , or whatever to end it , why not just change everything ? Hit the f'n road man .:evil: Go to another town and work for awhile . If this doens't feel right then go someplace else . Keep going until you find the right place. YOu could live on the road for years if it makes you feel better . This would be easier if you had a small trailer to eek it out in and live cheaply for awhile. You can work anywhere being a paramedic. What do you have to lose ? If ending it is your seemingly only option , which it isn't , then get mad and then get over it . Sometimes getting mad can break things loose but remember not to take it out on the others around you including the girls who dropped you . If you don't have enough money then sell something . Look around at jobs and living costs on CL etc. You're living in a bubble and you don't even realize it and its whipping your ass everyday because it knows it's got you by the balls . Remember that movie Truman ? Of course he had an idyllic life living where he did but when he found out what it was he opened the door and walked the fuck out . Try to use visualization of your life as that type of analogy and you just deciding you've had enough and getting out .
    It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself too and have made some great strides but you need to stick with it . Don't give up ! I have read that a lot of the dating sites are full of fake ads to keep new members coming in and paying them as well as keeping their web traffic numbers high. But a friend of mine met a woman he's engaged to on plentyoffish.com who has two kids . It turns out that he really likes them and they like him too . YOu say you don't want this but you should consider it . It might do you a lot of good .
    Johnny said something about probability and odds and this is true too I think. If life is a series of numbers and algorithms and programs then you're susceptible to the same set of rules and events every day . If you believe in karma (some call it numerology) then if you go someplace else something different will have to happen. It may take a while to do so though since there is no magic wand .I've never seemed to have luck with women either but it seems that when I go out of town I'm always more apt to get a smile from a woman .I hope this helps you and doesn't piss anyone else off too badly .
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 2, 2010
  16. ariel2013

    ariel2013 Member

    Hey! I am truly sorry about what you are experiencing. I see that this is very hard for you and that you currently do not see a way out. I know that when people say things like don't worry you will find the right girl one day you do not feel better at all but even more frustrated since they do not understand the full depth of your situation and thoughts.

    However I do disagree with your decision to stop treatment based on your reasoning. I see that you feel like the medications are just masking your depression without really curing it, however this is why the doctors probably recommended therapy as well. See the way medications work is to restore the neurotransmitters in your brain that keep your mood, motivation as well as other functions in balance. Since you are depressed for a long time your neurotransmiters that control these things become out of balance so the only thing that the medications are doing is restoring that balance for you and lot letting the stressed and depression that you are experiencing daily affect your brain and neurotransmitter function which in turn affects your mood as well as many other things. This is why you don't experience many of the symptoms of depression when you are on your medication. By going to therapy and meetings you can work to really cure and take away the stressors that are causing your depression in the first place even by simply realizing exactly what they are. You might not even know some of the real reasons which are causing your depression.

    You have to work on yourself first before you try to find a mate. If you are depressed , think you are messed up and all of those things, it will show and women do pick up on that no matter how hard you try and hide it. That is probably a reason why its hard to find woman to form a relationship with. You cant just say fuck the world and everyone trying to help you. It is easier for you to not engage in treatment then to work hard to reach your goal.

    There also is a possibility that the type of therapy or therapist you are receiving is not as good as it should be. You should consider looking at other therapists and go back to your doctor and express your concerns.!

    Not getting help you are continuing to think those negative thoughs all day every day and things will only get worse not better!! Please take what I said into consideration. I only want to help.
     
  17. whyyy

    whyyy Member

    I was going to just make a quick post stating that no matter how bad things have seemed in the past couple days, this site is working because if i'm reading and writing posts than i'm not looking for a blade, a rope, etc...

    So in that regard, this place (and you people in particular) have helped me a lot in the past couple days. Thank you all very much for that.

    However before I made that post I saw there had been 3 more entries. So I read them thinking "just more BS... they mean well but they don't understand and I can't make em understand and it doesn't really matter anyway...." Well, you know how that train of thought goes...

    Maybe it's the "wording" or the "tone", but the last two posts in particular have got me thinking again. That's not to take away from any of the other ones, I really believe THEY ALL HELPED ME. But something about the last two. Nothingman's reasoning or Ariel2013'3 take on meds, i'm not sure. But it's got me thinking (and not about killing myself for a change).

    Maybe my lil crisis is over (for now anyway... until the next time cuz there's ALWAYS a next time). Something just feels different... spent, or empty, like the edge is gone. I dunno but like I wrote I gotta think and not about suicide.

    Joe
     
  18. Paramedic21

    Paramedic21 Well-Known Member

    WHYYY I totally understand where your coming from, I really do. Its a big reason why I choose to hide my disease at all costs really. I don't believe seeing someone will help me nor will getting on medications. Im sure there are things going on in your life that meds and counseling cannot resolve. I know that is the case for me. I hope things look up for you..I really do.
     
  19. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Joe, just seen your post and wanted to say that Im happy you were able to see some light from the posts above. (great website, great people huh)

    I just wanted to say from one damned depressed person (me) to another that your not alone, I feel your pain, and Im sorry.

    Hope today has been better than yesterday and tomorrow is better than today.
     
  20. Dude111

    Dude111 Well-Known Member

    Yes Joe....

    Your finding out

    1) You do have people who care about you
    2) TALKING ABOUT THINGS HELPS RELIEVE THE STRESS :)

    Please stay with us and let us continue to help!!
     
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