It sure sounds to me, like it’s your” illness,” “condition,” that’s speaking to you, here. . . And so, I jusf jnow—if you can somehow manage to find a way to get some help: (professionally), thaf maybe - jusf maybe, you stand a very fine chance of getting rid of this deceitful inner voice, that is colored, or skewed by your failing health, (o f sorts!)z wishing you all the luck in the world!