It all just builds up sometimes... *triggers*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by feathers, Aug 24, 2011.

  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Especially when nothing is getting any easier. I currently have 17 people, including me, living in my head... There might be more but I've yet to discover...

    Problems I'm having are that, for me, 19 years old, life is difficult when you have insiders fighting for control of your behaviour and you don't know where you're going in life, or who you are, because one day a pair of alters pop up and decide to let you know that, oh, by the way, you know all those interests that you thought were yours? They aren't, they're ours, good luck finding yourself.

    Then there's Sophie, 18, who is so obsessed with my ex that it drives me mad and makes me question whether I'm obsessed with him at times. I'm not. She just can't get over the fact he chose someone else over us. And it drives her insane. I guess she's an egotist. She has to be the best. Oh and she also has a rape fetish where she actually has talked someone into forcing her to have sex when she doesn't want to.

    Then there's Aaron, 20. He's a great help actually, sat my A Levels in June and I got A*AA, getting onto my Psychology degree with flying colours. However the problem here is that he can't stand being in a female body. His dysphoria led to me getting my name put on a waiting list for a sex change for crying out loud. It's a lot more under control now, but his dysphoria is bad, he just hates being inside my body.

    Then there's HIM, the fucking demon that likes to terrorise not only the adult alters but the little kids too, making them cry. He projects himself into the shadows in the darkness so it's like we can see him floating around and it's scary for the little ones.

    Jason's depressed. Jenny is so annoying and then goes into a huff of silence for ages when she detects someone is getting pissed off at her. James is 4 and won't stop eating junk food! (Nah I adore James I don't have a single complaint). Georgia hates the guy I'm currently involved with, as does 'J', a new alter that surfaced this morning who I don't know the gender or name of. Little Sophie is 5 years old but she's into bondage and sex and she self harms.

    Oh and Laura is in love with my best friend and she's currently voluntarily decided to 'stay inside'. She's just disappeared. Which is kinda good because when she was an active alter I felt the entire time like I was living in a fog of derealization, where the world felt like a dream and where I didn't know who I was.

    I'm just getting so stressed out. Maybe it's because I'm not doing anything. I've been stuck in the house for 2 months over the summer holidays and I've got just under a month left before I start university. I guess having a lot of time to think just isn't helping the fact that I feel like my head is going to explode.

    This all isn't helped by the fact that the NHS are being absolutely shit and I am not in any form of therapy despite going to the doctors two years ago saying I was suicidal and having been back periodically since and pawned off by an asshole psychiatrist.

    I don't even know if I'm gonna do well with my degree. I mean... I've learned this summer that I am terrible at revision and exams... I always have been! But a week before exams I'd always feel something take over and I'd revise constantly, and everything would just come to me in exams like someone was feeding me the info... And they were - Aaron was. And I'm so grateful for his help but at the same time, I can't rely on him to take my degree!?

    I'm just so stressed out tonight because Sophie's feeling really... homicidal, about the girl that our ex chose over us. My head's banging and I haven't slept in 21 hours and I really should but...

    Sigh...

    Kaz x
     
  2. imyouroldman

    imyouroldman Well-Known Member

    Kazine, don't know much of anything to say, other then I have a daughter about your age. As her dad, I'd like to give you a big hug and hold you if you cry, and then I would listen, really listen to you I'm here if ya feel like talking.......Kevin(Alicia'a Dad)
     
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much.. Sorry for rambling on for ages in my post I'm just feeling a little defeatist tonight I guess.

     
  4. imyouroldman

    imyouroldman Well-Known Member

    Rambling is good! I do it all the time here..lol :)
    This is the only place where people "get" what I am saying.
    So I've been known to ramble..lol
     
  5. LordIceman

    LordIceman Active Member

    As you can see, I am under moderation now so I cant communicate with others on the forum much. Makes me feel totally isolated. You should trust Aaron I think although the sex change thing is of course a terrifying idea. What you need to learn is that you deserve everything you ever wanted. You may have realised this already. I hope you are still doing fine. The NHS has totally fucked me over too. I still haven't had a diagnosis and I have only had one session with a real psychiatrist. She thinks I have Asperger's. I don't see her anymore. Was referred to another place after just one session. I freaked out. I cut a lot of my hair off. Was almost down to my waist and now it is half its length. I am writing. I am playing music. And I still love to talk about myself. :p I hope you do well on your exams. I find the trick to study is to find the environment you feel most comfortable in so your mind is suited to the task. Wishing you the best. Iceman