It's not that i don't have fun. It's not that i don't enjoy some things in life. It's not that i can't handle the family drama. It's not that i don't think people care. Life is just not meant for me. Work: Why? To feed and clothe myself? What's the point in it? I would be happier starving in a back alley, so long as i could sit quietly by myself. Unbothered. College: Why? To get work? What's the point in it? You know nothing but school your entire life, only to go into it again as soon as you're finished. Why can i not just be left alone? Why can i not just sit here, alone, going out only when i am ready? Why am i pressured to do things i don't want? Why can i not just sleep, and dream, always? Why do i have to wake up every day? Dreams are so beautiful, so blissful. Each time i wake up, it's like losing another part of myself. Then i get up, and go on with the day. I laugh, i joke, no matter how gallows my thoughts or the situation. Humor is everywhere, you just have to know where to look. But no matter how good or bad of a day, the craving for solitude, for dreams, is always there in the back of my mind. It never leaves. I wish i could dream forever. This, of course, brings me to the crux of my...musings. Death. The after life. I believe that there is nothing after death. You die, and you don't even know it. It's like a never-ending, dreamless sleep. A place where you never have to get up, never have to deal with anything or worry. And i crave that solitude, that peace. For years, on and off, i have thought of suicide. Each time i discard it, knowing what it would mean for my family, my friends. But as time went on, the notion became more and more tempting, more real.<mod edit - methods> I was with my father, brother, and sister. The only thing that kept me <mod edit> was their presence. I didn't want them to see it. But ever since then, i knew that if i ever found myself <mod edit>, i would take the chance. <mod edit method> Mid-November found me ready, just waiting for a day both my mother and sister(the only ones i live with) worked. That night my brother showed up on our doorstep, here for the holidays. No warning. No heads up. He later confided in me that he had come to...well...nothing legal, i'll say that. And so i decided to delay until he was gone. My brother had always been the most fragile of anyone in our family. And i wanted to see him one last time. He's so excited for Christmas, the first we'll have been together in a few years. I figured why not? One last hurrah. And this month has been my happiest in a long, long time. Knowing that soon it will all be over. I'm even left alone most of the day, most days. It's been relaxing, been nice. <mod edit - guidelines> Still i question it sometimes, still thoughts of their sadness when i'm gone plagues me. It is not enough to deter me. The pain i feel at knowing what it will do to them is wholly overshadowed by the joy of knowing that so soon, i will be free. I will be nothing. and there is nothing i want more than that.