it all started 11 years ago

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by maries, Dec 13, 2011.

  1. maries

    maries Active Member

    i moved to america when i was 8 so that my whole family could be together at last. i may not have had the most perfect life for the first 8 years of my life, but they were good. I was a good person, with manners, and i still cared. but moving and living with my dad just turned everything around. i was hit before, but i knew why i was being hit and i knew that i deserved it because i did something bad. but with my dad, it was different. he would hit me just to get me to do something he wanted. slowly, i lost myself, my manners and stuff and I stopped caring. i never realized it then, but looking back on it now, i guess my dad's been treating me like an animal in need of training ever since i've lived with him. having only met my dad once before, i was really excited to finally get to live with him and i wanted to impress him, make him proud. and that's basically what my whole life has been about, making him proud. the things i did, and am doing. i lost my respect for myself, my dignity, my personality, just so i could be who he wanted me to be, and also to avoid getting hit. I hated getting the belt. When I was only 8, he hit me with the belt until I stopped crying. I used to cry really loudly so that he'd stop hitting me, but he'd just hit me more. I don't respect the guy, I just fear him, but I still love him. He is my father after all.

    living with my dad did not just make me fear him because he hit me, but i've also seen things that a young child should never have to see. i've seen him abused my mother, trying to choke her more than once in the middle of the night. i've seen my brother put a knife to his stomach and dared my father to stab him. i've seen my father yell at him, punched him. i've experienced my brother in the hospital for overdosing after a fight with my father and social workers and police visiting me in school and at home when i was 12. i've seen my brother stab himself and i've cleaned up his blood, and watch as my father calmly talking to the police, making sure to say that my brother's attempted suicide before and that there's just something wrong with him. i watched my father put the blame away from himself. i've listened as my father beat my sister for having her boyfriend come around the house. i've listened to him beating my mother, too, for many different reasons. my father has scared me to the bone. so right now, i don't know if i'm still trying to make him proud or if i'm just avoiding getting a beating from him.

    family problems aside, i've never really had proper friends. 4 years ago, i thought that i've finally found a friend i can come clean about everything to, so i did. she was actually pretty good helping me out, but after a year, we just lost each other. i found another friend i can come clean to, and i almost told her everything. she was the one i trusted for awhile, but now, it seems like she doesn't want to talk about any sort of problems i have. the only think we'd talk about is her boy problems, problems in school, etc, but we'd avoid the fact that i'm suicidal. I found another friend and i told her some things. even a little bit of what's wrong with my life was too much for her and she would just say, "let's talk" so we talk, then when i tell her how i feel she'll just say "don't think like that." and the conversation would change direction. because of this, i find it really hard to rely on friends when it comes to deeper things and not just "oh my gosh, i wonder if i failed that test" sort of conversation, or "i think he may like me cus he looked at me" sort of conversation. I can't talk to anybody, not my family, and not my friends.

    recently, for the past couple of years or so, i've been afraid i may end up like my father, thinking the world revolved around me, not caring about other people's feelings, being abusive because things aren't going the way i want them to. i don't want to end up like him, but little by little, i'm seeing myself like him. i'm becoming selfish, snapping at people a lot, and one time when i was teaching this kid how to play the violin summer of my junior year in high school, i hit him. i just gave him a really hard slap on the back, simply because he wouldn't listen. i hated myself for doing that. the kid got a bruise, but it was a good thing we just laughed it off and treated it as a joke. my biggest fear is becoming like my father and these little things are really starting to scare me. making me hate myself. on top of that, i have my father telling me he regrets giving me life, how i'm such a disappointment to him, how stupid i am, how totally worthless i am. and i'm afraid one day, i'm gonna snap and hit him. hard. and then maybe hit him again. and again. and again. i used to think suicide, but lately this is how i've been feeling. wanting to hurt him. but that idea scares me so i go back to suicide. and back and back. and these past few months, it's really been the only thing on my mind. i'm nowhere near where i had planned to be at 19(far away from home) and this depresses me more, making me think of suicide more. and it's all been pretty downhill. i'm holding on, but i really don't know how long i can keep going. i hate being yelled at, being told of my failures, disappointing others. but i really don't want to die. i just want to start over. be a different person. someone who can stand up for herself, for what she believes in. but sometimes, i cant help myself and i'm really just looking for support from people. that's all i really want. to be loved and to know i'm loved. and to be able to love them back.

    thanks to anyone who reads this. these usually aren't things i share with people. so it's a relief, kind of
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i read what you wrote it broke my heart You will never end up like your father hun never because you know what it is like to be on the other end of that anger. You can get some therapy hun to control that anger inside you to let it out slowly and to heal from all that past abuse. I hope you do reach out hun to a professional who can guide you hugs
  3. Find someone who can guide you. Someone professional.

    Never forget that your father is the one who's wrong and he is the person deserving punishment, not YOU. So don't punish yourself. Get away from him and stay away. Try to find a job, make some what they call, "F-you money", and get away. It's not good that you hit the kid, but it's good that you recognized something was wrong and you felt bad. That means you are a good person and you have a heart. Don't let anyone take that away from you.

    There are people out there who can and will help.
  4. maries

    maries Active Member

    thank you both for replying. im trying to seek professional help, but something about it scares me, makes me feel ashamed. im trying to overcome my problems, but it seems when i bring myself up, my father finds a way to bring me down. and i'm trying not to care so i can do what i have to, what i want to, but it's really hard to do it all alone.
  5. You can do this. It's true. Rise to the occasion and find help. There is nothing to be ashamed of, or scared of. It's just something new. I sought therapy at various times over the years. I thought that made me "crazy" or "messed up". The reality is, I was mature enough and man enough to go and seek help. There's plenty of messed up people out there that need it and never go. Do what you need to do. You will feel better and become a stronger, smarter, and happier woman in the progress. :)