It bothers me I get suicidal so often

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by arielah, Jan 19, 2009.

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  1. arielah

    arielah New Member

    I am not sure what triggers it but I get suicidal very often anymore. So much has happened in my life and my marriage is sometimes great and then it can also seem to me to be very very bad.

    It is always that I get suicidal when my husband "goes off". Sometimes he is patient and supportive and talks to me and other times he just goes off on me and no matter how much I try to talk to him, he just gets mean, sarcastic and says very cruel things. He usually takes off on me and goes whereever, leaves me home alone.

    I have tried to kill myself 5 times in my life and it has been about 9 years since I even got close to that.

    I think I have so many triggers that have happened in my life in the last 6 months that the pain is overwhelming. Even when my husband and I have our disagreements or arguements, it sets that feeling off.

    I dont blame him. I know its a cumulation of things but I'm afraid if I talk to him he will just get angry and mean with me, like I am some baby or wanting attention or something. So I dont say anything anymore to him, that is how his reaction was the last time. He never seems to know he is pushing me further in a hole. I guess he thinks it will "snap me out of it" where in fact it makes it worse.

    I cant see a doctor, I have no insurance and here they dont help you if you dont pop out a few kids. If you do the responsible thing and dont have kids because you can't afford them, you dont get help.

    I'm just so tired of feeling like this every time things get stressful, its so frequent now. I think things that maybe he would be better off without me, he could get over it after a while and be okay. That scares me because that is how I justify it, and I know it is getting progressively worse.

    I think it is sometimes fear of being left alone that causes so much pain. When he storms out of the house, I always figure that if he doesnt want to be around me and talk through difficult things, then the marriage is over and that throws me into suicidal thoughts.

    In the last six months, I lost a fosterchild that I had expected to raise till he was 18 - he went to live with his dad and it was a horrible experience in itself. I got divorced, remarried and then the man I divorced died within a few months. My exhusband and I were best friends, he literally divorced me because he wanted me to find someone since he wanted to continue to work overseas. It was a noble thing because he knew I wanted to be married, he just didnt want to hold up to his end of the deal. Then I lost my health insurance and am probably going to lose the house and cannot find a job. I spend hours online all day trying to get interviews, but nothing comes through. My husband is laid off and is starting school and work for him will pick back up next month, we hope.

    That is just the tip of the iceberg, there has been so much going on and I am so tired. When the pain hits, I am just devastated. I sleep a lot which doesnt help because I have the sleeping disease and I feel groggy all day instead of a few times a day. I have Multiple Sclerosis and deal with a lot of physical pain all day long and it seems that my husband doesn't have a clue about that either or he just doesnt stop to think why I am feeling the way I do.

    So it seems pain is my life, in some way or another. I have learned to deal with the physical pain about 50% of the time to a functional degree. But when the emotional kicks in, its unreal. It used to be that my mind was a place to go for relief and comfort and now it is always hurting too.

    I am just confused on what is going on, because it is so much. My husband isnt someone that I can really talk to in depth about it. I always stay on the surface about my feelings so I dont set him off on one of his things where he gets mean, sarcastic and tries to "snap me out of it". You would think he would figure out it doesnt work and makes it worse.

    I am just so afraid that eventually, I am going to just go through with it and right now I am willing to try to get pulled out of it but how long will that last? Right now I dont want to die, but will that change? That is what I am hoping for.

    Thanks for anyone listening to me vent out my scattered thoughts, its always like this when I finally try to get help, everything is so fragmented and doesnt piece together enough to sort through it all.

    Anna
     
  2. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Anna

    There certainly is a lot going on and I think you're doing a great job of being as strong as you are. Also being able to write it all down in the way that you did is fantastic...that's the start of you getting your head around it all and soon you'll be able to start working through it all.

    Unfortunately there is no time limit on these things - that's why when you start getting rid of the suicidal thoughts you have to stay on top of it - keep busy, surround yourself with people/things you love etc.

    Take care

    Shauna
     
  3. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I am a newbie here, but I just posted a similar topic. I wonder if it is normal to have these thoughts from time to time for people like us.
     
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