it breaks my heart

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by bubblebear, Jun 15, 2016.

  1. bubblebear

    bubblebear Princess

    when i see my dad the way he is. hes doing alot better now actually. but he does this twitching thing a lot and i htink its because hes spending too much time alone and not socialising enough . i cant help him and it makes me really sad because i can see it happening. and i can see him not communicting with my mother properyand hse doesnt know how to communicate properly either and its all just kind of messed up. and i know he finds it hard sometimes because who wouldn't if you spent nearly all ur time alone. I hear him say really messed up things and it upsets me because i know why hes doing that but i cant help him and i knwo wahts happening but i cant do anyting about it. and when i think of his future i dont know how it can get better because he lives in a country where he doesnt speak the native language. and if he goes back to his home country he doesnt get along with his family there so i dont know how that will work. and i dont want to see or talk to him because i am still upset/angry over how difficult he used to be and i havent forgiven him for it and i cant deal wit hhavign to deal with him. and i cant deal with having to talk to him because every second ting he says is eithr a part insult or its something insensitive. even if he means well. i

    and i hear how his voice hcanges and how he sounds angry sometimes and i think hes just frustrated at his situatioin but thers nothing i can do because i cant help him and i ant coach him im trying to work on me and i cant cope with more than that. im not even coping that well myself. i have no one to talk to if im upset and im all alone at home. if it werent for here or helplings or my counsellor or my groups ( when i do go) id have nothing and no one. and thats not even a joke. i just feel like im dying inside when i see or hear how he is and ir really upsets me. but theres nothing i can do about it becau i liv with him. at least for the next few months. im hoping to move back out when i go bak to college. please god lol

    just venting really. i wante dto get it out there. eeryone have a good night. im so fecking tired ill head to bed now. after my pot noodle of course

    night night
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    *hug* Sounds like a really difficult situation. I wish I had some advice or suggestions, but just wanted you to know I'm listening.
    bubblebear likes this.
  3. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    It sounds really, really hard bubblebear. I remember watching my dad's health fail. I didn't like visiting either. Although my reasons were a little different. I just remembered this strong, healthy, vibrant man who was losing everything. His hearing, his sight, his memory. I often broke into tears after I left his house. It is so very difficult.

    I am going to suggest something that I know will be hard for you. Please forgive me. But do try and have as much contact with him as you feel able. Even if its only a phone call or sending a card. Naturally, you have to care for yourself first. But some day your parents will be gone and you will feel better if you have been able to support them to the best of you ability.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i agree with SillyOldBear i know it hurts i hear you but for YOU you ok you write how you are feeling and you write to him how much you wish you could help him but you do not know how. Yes you have to look after you first and you should not have to tolerate his insults but if you write down what you need your father to hear and give it to him perhaps he will understand more and if something were to happen to your father then at least you willhave told him how much you care for him and not regret it later for now saying what was in your heart.
    bubblebear likes this.
  5. bubblebear

    bubblebear Princess

    oh actually i live with him lol. so i see him everyday. I was with my counsellor yesterday and i think part of the reason why i feel so down alot is because i get reminded of everything when i seehim and i see him alot. i dont feel able to support him yet i am struggling to support myself. i know what you are saying i just dont feel like chatting to him it doesnt feel like the right thing to do. at least not for the moment :( ill just see how things play out. hug hug ty for taking the time to reply x
  6. bubblebear

    bubblebear Princess

    my father is chinese and i can't write in chinese and he cant read english so we have a bit of a communication problem :/ i dont know if he will understand becaues he doesnt think theres anything wrong with him so i dont know if it will go down well if i say i want to help him because in his mind there is nothing to help with. im not trying to be defensive to u i am just trying t o explina :( but i aprpreciate ur response it helps to get opinions and diff perspectives. i care for him in a small way i guess, ad ill just have to figure out a diff way of showing it. when i feel like it lol
  7. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    A warm smile and a pat on the shoulder would probably go a long ways in letting him know that you do care about him.
    calvinandhobbs likes this.
  8. bubblebear

    bubblebear Princess

    im not going to do that. i dont mean to sound selfish but im just not going to do that :(
  9. bubblebear

    bubblebear Princess

    just so angry. no one's here for me