Maybe this is more of a vent... I dont know. So, here is the back story. Terminally ill mom who lived her life as an abusive nutcase. Verbally abusive. Is that honestly any better? She calmed down for a while, which took a long time after she got cut off from pain killers, but now that she is on them again, she has regained the addiction and the personality she had with it. I am an adult and due to certain circumstances, I live at home. Long story. My moms terminal illness is something she could've prevented, but because she didnt want to listen to Doctors she has a short amount of time left, probably less than anticipated bcause even now she wont change her lifestyle.
Ok, there's the back story in a nutshell. Today I ended up accidentally shattering the window of her car. Something hit it and it shattered. One of those "stuff happens" deals. This was while I was out getting her fast food that she isnt allowed to have. My options are huge arguement or just cave. I gave up on the fighting a long time ago. Anyway, normal people get angry. It's understandable. She didnt get angry, she got cruel. Apparently I'm worthless, stupid, shouldn't have been born, etc. And I wish I was exagerating, but that is actually what I was told. It's been a long time I've been dealing with the verbal abuse, and I cant get out. I have no friends to take me in. No family either. I cant find a job, so Idont have the money to go on my own. Shelters I dont qualify for because I technically HAVE a home, and I dont qualify for domestic violence shleters. I am literally stuck.
So, today I have thought about killing myself. It seems like I've exhausted all my options, and I cant live like this. Its so negative and I dont want my daughter around it either. As much as I WANT to die, if I do, I know my daughter will be left with my mom, and that scares me more than anything else that could happen to her. I dont want HER to be raised the way I was and by the same person, but the thought still lingers with me. I just wish there was a way out. A way out where both me and my daughter would end up ok, but one of us ends up hurt no matter what I decide to do.
I guess maybe it's better for me to be the hurt one instead of her because smeday I'll be able to get out and become happy too, right?
Ok, there's the back story in a nutshell. Today I ended up accidentally shattering the window of her car. Something hit it and it shattered. One of those "stuff happens" deals. This was while I was out getting her fast food that she isnt allowed to have. My options are huge arguement or just cave. I gave up on the fighting a long time ago. Anyway, normal people get angry. It's understandable. She didnt get angry, she got cruel. Apparently I'm worthless, stupid, shouldn't have been born, etc. And I wish I was exagerating, but that is actually what I was told. It's been a long time I've been dealing with the verbal abuse, and I cant get out. I have no friends to take me in. No family either. I cant find a job, so Idont have the money to go on my own. Shelters I dont qualify for because I technically HAVE a home, and I dont qualify for domestic violence shleters. I am literally stuck.
So, today I have thought about killing myself. It seems like I've exhausted all my options, and I cant live like this. Its so negative and I dont want my daughter around it either. As much as I WANT to die, if I do, I know my daughter will be left with my mom, and that scares me more than anything else that could happen to her. I dont want HER to be raised the way I was and by the same person, but the thought still lingers with me. I just wish there was a way out. A way out where both me and my daughter would end up ok, but one of us ends up hurt no matter what I decide to do.
I guess maybe it's better for me to be the hurt one instead of her because smeday I'll be able to get out and become happy too, right?