It can only go up from here, right?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by its_a_secret, Jul 4, 2011.

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  1. its_a_secret

    its_a_secret New Member

    Maybe this is more of a vent... I dont know. So, here is the back story. Terminally ill mom who lived her life as an abusive nutcase. Verbally abusive. Is that honestly any better? She calmed down for a while, which took a long time after she got cut off from pain killers, but now that she is on them again, she has regained the addiction and the personality she had with it. I am an adult and due to certain circumstances, I live at home. Long story. My moms terminal illness is something she could've prevented, but because she didnt want to listen to Doctors she has a short amount of time left, probably less than anticipated bcause even now she wont change her lifestyle.

    Ok, there's the back story in a nutshell. Today I ended up accidentally shattering the window of her car. Something hit it and it shattered. One of those "stuff happens" deals. This was while I was out getting her fast food that she isnt allowed to have. My options are huge arguement or just cave. I gave up on the fighting a long time ago. Anyway, normal people get angry. It's understandable. She didnt get angry, she got cruel. Apparently I'm worthless, stupid, shouldn't have been born, etc. And I wish I was exagerating, but that is actually what I was told. It's been a long time I've been dealing with the verbal abuse, and I cant get out. I have no friends to take me in. No family either. I cant find a job, so Idont have the money to go on my own. Shelters I dont qualify for because I technically HAVE a home, and I dont qualify for domestic violence shleters. I am literally stuck.

    So, today I have thought about killing myself. It seems like I've exhausted all my options, and I cant live like this. Its so negative and I dont want my daughter around it either. As much as I WANT to die, if I do, I know my daughter will be left with my mom, and that scares me more than anything else that could happen to her. I dont want HER to be raised the way I was and by the same person, but the thought still lingers with me. I just wish there was a way out. A way out where both me and my daughter would end up ok, but one of us ends up hurt no matter what I decide to do.

    I guess maybe it's better for me to be the hurt one instead of her because smeday I'll be able to get out and become happy too, right?
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I had a grandmother with the wickedest tongue on the planet.
    She would divide the family to "divide and conquer" set family member against family member and say and do the cruellest of things.
    One day I got into a row with her, an absolute NO NO, and I could see the hate spread across her face.

    Thing was, I loved my grandad and he me; he came in as the row was escalating and knew that she would ban me from their sight forevermore.
    I took one look at his face, and backed down, grovelled to grandmother (not meaning a word of it) and thereby escaped the ban.

    She never forgave me, but was stuck with me, because I just stopped playing the game.
    Every rotten thing she said I let slip over my head.
    I gave her kindness for every foul word....and know what...it drove her bloody NUTS :laugh: but she couldnt get rid of me and I refused to let her malice make a dent.

    Your mother is terminally ill, so not to put a finer point on it, this will end!
    She's probably (somewhere deep inside) very very afraid, but chooses to lash out rather than seek solace.

    Tune out the malice, let it fall on deaf ears, do what you can to make what time is left to her as easy as possible; not for her so much, but so there will be no guilt on your side at her death.

    This horrible time will pass and then you and your daughter can look forward to a better time.
    Hang on to that and let the cruel words just wash over you.
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You should just let the words bounce off you.. Don't feed the fire fuel..Sooner or later she will realise that all her bitching isn't haveing the affect she wants.. You need to stay for your daughter.. If you go and your mother passes soon afterwards your daughter will become a ward of the state and end up in foster home after foster home..You don;t want that for her I know.. My daughter was kicked out by my ex when she was thirteen and ended up in foster homes.. She was molested and finally ended up in an all girl facility..To this day she still tries to beat the system and she keeps loosing.. I've done everything I could for her but to no avail she still hasn't settled down.. She's 29 and has an 9 year old daughter who is suffering from all this moving around..
     
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