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It comes raging back

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Still_Life, Apr 13, 2015.

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  1. Still_Life

    Still_Life Member

    Hey gang, it has been some time. For a while I was just feeling fine I didn't want to think about it. School was keeping me busy been getting stellar grades, beyond what I thought I was capable of been out of school for almost 4 years. Just recently these thoughts come firing back pretty intense to be honest. I stay up all hours of the night, usually up until about 3am by choice it's not that I can't sleep but as soon as I close my eyes I imagine how I can finally do it, how I can construct the ideal scenario where I can be left in peace and not be disturbed so I can not be interrupted. The motivation for certain activities absolutely deteriorates to a point where I find myself not even wanting to watch television shows I like it feels like a chore to fire up Netflix. I am so completely lost and wonder how an individual lives with this. I get up at 9 and it starts over and I feel like I am throwing on a fake smile as I am seen as being goofy and funny. But it's isolation that I crave lately but can be hard to achieve. What does one do??
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    Well done you on getting stellar grades, you must be very proud of yourself. Why not keep occupying yourself to study more or study something else since it keeps you busy? I must ask, why do you crave isolation? I find it's the opposite for more people but I can relate because I spend a lot of time alone and it doesn't bother me.

    I think you need to take a good look around you, figure out what you want to do to better yourself, your feelings and thoughts, you don't deserve to feel suicidal. No-one does.
    I wish you all the best.
  3. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    Hey there ...

    Maybe when you want to be alone you can try to make the best out of it.
    It might be differetn, sometimes I can't bare seeing people and seeing the life, their life, the city, the everyday ... everyone busy and apparently everyone just fitting in when I feel so far away from the world ... like everything is a lie.
    Then maybe you can take a walk outside. Sometimes I feel like I just want to hide and I feel like moving is already too much but when I achieve going out in a lonely park, in a forst, on a rooftop ... seeing the sky, the trees, the birds and the world from afar without needing to be in I am able to breath again and with a bit of work I am able to find the compassion you need to understand the world.

    How world is not only noisy people but the nature we keep on pushing away but never gives up and there is always a bird flying above or a flower growing through the concrete, a tree spreading its leaves under the sun ... and people who are just like me, like you ... some people here are just trying hard too and I think I have to try to reach out for them and give them the smile they need, the simple smile that will make sens in a world where we loose ourselves so easily.

    You're here, you're a fighter, through the pain and the hurt you went on ... you are strong !

    And you can come here anytime you want !
  4. Still_Life

    Still_Life Member

    Thanks guys I appreciate the words of wisdom. I think being around people all day just makes me want to be isolated sometimes. My family and I just moved into the city I lived outside of Hamilton Ontario now I am in the city. Its a nice change alot of trails around so I am excited for the nice weather and go hit the trails and be outside. I have been hitting the gym I have a subtle goal to eventual find and plot out a huge long hike and just be out there. I think the stress of exams are finally weighing down on me mixed with these random occurring feelings can just make things tough sometimes.i really do appreciate the kind words guys
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