My suicide plan comforts me. I have it tucked away in my pocket so to speak, and I carry it with me all day long every day. I know it is merely a matter of time till I do it. I just haven't decided on the exact right time yet. But I have the plan, and I have everything I need to do it. I can't wait, to feel peace and relief. I am not even looking for joy, just peace, relief, and even nothingness would be good. How could a god who made me this flawed and set up such a negative, abusive life for me, deny my right to peace? How could that god not forgive me. Hell, he should be lucky if I forgive him for making me this way! He created me and my life, and I got stuck living this hell for 37 years. Well, I am tired and done. So maybe if god is lucky I will forgive him.