It doesn''t get better... in a tunnel with no light at the end...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by DrkZ90, Apr 17, 2012.

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  1. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    I am completely depressed, and just keep getting worse.... I can't believe that despite my best efforts, despite doing my best to make things better, somehow it has all gotten worse... I am completely lonely and desperate, and the fact that nobody cares hurts more than anything...

    People around me, anywhere I go, think they can just use me and then throw me away when they don't need me, nobody cares about me... nobody cares to invite me anywhere unless it is by mistake... my so called friends usually make plans together, but I am only included if I happen to be within earshot when they are arranging plans and jump into their conversation... it feels like I keep pushing myself into people's lives, because otherwise I don't really exist for anyone. I only exist when someone needs something from me... the moment they are done with it, I might as well be dead for all they care. During lunch or dinner, if I dare get my food first and sit somewhere, they will always end up sitting somewhere else, leaving me alone unless they don't have any other option... They few times I have made a comment about this their response was either "no, you are lying" or "whatever...".

    This wouldn't be as bad if it was the first time, or it hadn't happened with other people before... but the fact I moved thousands of miles away just to end in the same situation is completely demoralizing, i just can't hold myself together any longer. Several times I have had to rush to the closest bathroom just to avoid anyone seeing me crying, sometimes it just hurts too much.

    My grades have also been dropping and I've been struggling increasingly more with my homework, and since most of the time they won't have time to help me (even though they expect me to help them every time they need it, which I usually do), it has already made my grades take a dip, which makes me feel even worse, and yet nobody notices and if they do, they clearly don't give a shit.

    I have also been trying to be more active on dating and hook up websites, which I now consider a huge mistake... I seem to be completely forgettable there too... guys won't contact me unless I contact them first, and the way most don't even acknowledge me, they clearly aren't interested one bit, so nobody wants to even chat with me, I guess I am way too ugly or something, most don't even give me a chance.

    I just... what;s the point of living/? no friends, no love, not even a chance of either... I might as well just die and save everyones time, money and resources... I'm clearly not needed nor wanted.
     
  2. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Sorry that your hurting so much.Alot of what you have said here can come down to your depression sometimes ppl arnt avoiding you and you feel they are.Some of the smallest things can be huge when you have depression.But if some ppl do avoid you because of depression they never going to be good friends anyway.Dating sites dont get to heart broken there ive tried a few i dont like them and plus your competing with thousands of ppl.Are you seeking some help for your depression?Help will help you have a bit more of a positive outlook and you wont feel as though the wieght of the world is on your shoulders.I have found when you are going through this some people feel uncomfortable and dont know what to say or do so that could be a factor.See your gp seek help and try to stay positive i know its hard and we here if you need to chat and get things off your chest.Take care
     
  3. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    They do avoid me, that much I'm sure... Why I have no clue, but I guess I'm just not likeably, not someone they want to or care to have as a friend, which doesn't really surprise me any more... Nobody wants my love or friendship, that the world has made sure I understand really well...

    About the dating sites... Exactly, it proves how many more people they would all rather talk to than say hi back... It hurts, it just does.

    What good is a more positive outlook if things don't really change? None. If I am still lonely like this, it makes no difference.

    I do my best to hide it, but it's been getting close to impossible... They acted exactly the same before though, so I doubt is that.

    About help... No I just can't afford that, and dunno how helpful it could be... I don't think I could ever even mention half of this face to face without completely breaking down to tears... I can't even finish a single post here without having to take a deep breath to stop myself from crying right away.
     
  4. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Do you see a doc as he/she can give you recommendations for help and should be funded.(Thats how it works here not sure where you are)and it can help alot helps you with coping skills and keeping safe.Definition of insanity doing the same thing and expect a different result so its about working to get to the point of a posative outlook.If this group of ppl are like this too you they arnt real friends maybe seek out some support groups or clubs and try meet new group of ppl.Glad you reposted and keep strong things can and will get better please take care and keep talking here or with trusted ones does help.
     
  5. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    No, and I have no clue how it works here since I only moved not too long ago and have the mandatory insurance which I doubt covers much, specially something like this...

    About looking for support groups and stuff like that... Been there, done that, that's how I essentially met the people I am talking about now and see, it made no difference... I know the problem must be me, I guess I just don't deserve anyone's love or friendship, I i was meant to be just a tool to use and discard...
     
  6. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    And life keeps reminding me how I don't belong anywhere... Hurting so much now, somehow I keep hitting new bottoms, feeling worse and worse, I don't think it will ever stop, there's no light at the end of the tunnel, only more darkness.
     
  7. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Well if a support group is acting like that they arnt run to well believe me.I dont think is you but i am going to ask though do you know for sure they avoid you or are you paranoid they do and thats not to mean any offence sometimes we can overreact on some things which really arnt occuring which we dream up ourselfs and reason im saying that is happens to me too look at the worse outcomes on things not what is actually factual.Sorry hard for me to explain exactly what im trying to say in writing.
     
  8. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    It isn't a support group per se, is... I don't really wanna go into much detail, but just saying: if I don't fit here, I have no chance of fitting anywhere else...

    Yes I am entirely sure... The only thing they haven't done is just outright admit it... I keep finding out about stuff they all do together that I am / was not invited too, and most of which I won't get invited unless I happen to overhear and pretty much invite myself, which makes me feel even worse...

    I don't think I am asking too much, but life seems to think otherwise..
     
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