It doesn't matter.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by silent_beast, Jan 7, 2010.

  1. silent_beast

    silent_beast Active Member

    It really doesn't. It matters not what I do, or how much I try to accommodate the feelings of others, I cannot find someone to alleviate my loneliness. It seems insatiable, feeding upon my psyche in moments of piercing silence. I have tried everything to make a difference, and it seems that I cannot find solace for my heart. It seems that this is my fate until the day I discover who I truly am and gain my own footing. Or perhaps, as I have contemplated, it is not possible for me to establish a connection with anyone.

    There is nothing else that I need more now than a friend. Not someone who simply wants to play mediator for them; not someone with whom I must act a certain way, or suffer scorn, judgment, and ignorance; not someone who makes me feel alien to the rest of the world. I am tired of this. I am tired of people. It seems there is no one with whom I can connect and have a formidable bond. Yes, I do have friends. But, with how many of them can I be completely honest? I am tired of the fragmentation of my character for others, people who truly don't give a damn about me.

    I believed for a while that I needed a someone to aid in the reconstruction of my identity; loosely, this is true. However, I am aware that I need to work on myself in order to become more whom I want to be. But, it gets hard to do on your own. One finds only a bit of time for comfortable solitude. In it, I am calm. My worries are only of the world and its qualms, not of my own social inadequacy. When I am required to emerge from the fortified world I create in my mind, all of my problems come back full force. I become once again plagued with the uncertainty of my future and the dissatisfaction with myself and others I possess. I know, this seems somewhat redundant; I do not desire to divulge the specifics of my concerns here, at least now now.

    To put things into perspective, I need someone. A friend. A boyfriend. A heart and ear in sync. No matter where I go, I cannot find someone with whom to connect. More and more, I am doubting this is what I need. Yet, something deep inside tells me I do. But, I refuse to admit the extent of my loneliness. I will not be branded as "desperate." I am not someone who needs to be coddled (well I sometimes do, but my pride does not welcome it).

    Yeah, I'm rambling somewhat. Something happened which fueled my need to "let it all out."

    I never expected to post here; I joined this community some time ago, and had a hard time meeting people and opening up to them (as I do with most forums). I left (well, I didn't visit the forum. My account remained in tact). But due to recent circumstances, I have come back. I am not too suicidal, but I am depressed.

    Yeah, I'm rambling somewhat. I just felt the need to "let it all out."
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm glad that you felt comfortable enough to return. To vent and let things out. Keep posting. I too "need" someone. Not to fulfill who I am. But just to help me get there. I've been here and made a few friends. People that I call friends freely. Not like the acquaintances I have in RL. These people are guenuine. Hope you can find them here too.
  3. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    Hi Silent Beast,

    Welcome again. I'm 'new' too.

    yorkie xx