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It feels like a mistake every time I wake up

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#1
By the end of the day, I wind back down to feeling like I shouldn't have woken up that day. No matter where the day started or how it went, I reflect on the effort expended and what it took to make it to the end of the day. It always feels like too much.

It takes so much to make it through one day. More than it should, and more than I can truly express to anyone. When I remember I have to do it all again tomorrow I deflate. I want to cry but I just...don't anymore. So I just stare into the middle distance. Waiting for a very heavy object to come hurtling through the air at my head.

I just want to be done with it all. I want it to be over and done with so nobody ever has to tolerate me, and so I don't have to tolerate anyone else; ever again. I never asked to be a part of any of this, so why must I be? What in the ever loving fuck does anybody need from me?
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
By the end of the day, I wind back down to feeling like I shouldn't have woken up that day. No matter where the day started or how it went, I reflect on the effort expended and what it took to make it to the end of the day. It always feels like too much
Ive had days like that when nothing seems worth the effort it takes because it doesn't make us feel better than doing nothing. But doing nothing makes us feel trapped too. Life is empty of joy, and all the things that would make it feel worth living. Maybe you need to change the way you live by changing your circumstances to ones you feel better in? Is there absolutely nothing that interests you or inspires you with belief in your ability to be happier so that working towards different conditions feels like a a worthwhile effort you could make?
I just want to be done with it all. I want it to be over and done with so nobody ever has to tolerate me, and so I don't have to tolerate anyone else; ever again. I never asked to be a part of any of this, so why must I be? What in the ever loving fuck does anybody need from me?
Probably the same as what we want from them eg - acceptance, recognition and respect of our equal value as a human being. You say that others only at best tolerate you, and you find tolerating them too much to bear, but haven't you ever felt someone liked you, was glad to have you in their life, or that you liked them and enjoyed being with them? Maybe you need to meet different people more attuned to your wavelength who you would want to communicate with and not feel the effort was too much?
 

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#3
ve had days like that when nothing seems worth the effort it takes because it doesn't make us feel better than doing nothing. But doing nothing makes us feel trapped too. Life is empty of joy, and all the things that would make it feel worth living. Maybe you need to change the way you live by changing your circumstances to ones you feel better in? Is there absolutely nothing that interests you or inspires you with belief in your ability to be happier so that working towards different conditions feels like a a worthwhile effort you could make?
Even since childhood I've never trusted friendships. They've always felt fake and contrived, which is depressing. Especially after almost 15 years. There is no "my wavelength." Every single person who has gotten close to me has left. Every one.

I really just find life to be far more effort than it's worth. I've not lived a bad life. Far from it. But I'm not compatible with life on Earth. it pisses me off, as does being a human in general.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#4
Do you suffer from depression @Wrick Malcof? Also, you don't seem that terrible to deal with. I don't think anyone needs anything from you. Do you feel pressured? All you really have to be is u out, and I know that can be very hard when you're not happy, and who really is? I know that there were times when I was jealous of those in cemeteries and dreamed of...I can't write it because it's a violation here.

I just feel the pressure that you put in yourself.
 

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#5
Do you suffer from depression @Wrick Malcof? Also, you don't seem that terrible to deal with. I don't think anyone needs anything from you. Do you feel pressured? All you really have to be is u out, and I know that can be very hard when you're not happy, and who really is? I know that there were times when I was jealous of those in cemeteries and dreamed of...I can't write it because it's a violation here.

I just feel the pressure that you put in yourself.
Do I suffer from depression? At what point does someone go from "suffering from depression," to, "just generally being in a depressing position in life?" With all due respect, you haven't spent nearly enough time with me to decide that. But there is a clear pattern among people who have. They fucking vanish. Pressure is an every day occurrence. I feel an ever constant pressure to not kill myself, despite how badly I want to. "All I have to be is me?" I'm sorry but that is something I have proven several times to be untrue for me
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#6
Do I suffer from depression? At what point does someone go from "suffering from depression," to, "just generally being in a depressing position in life?" With all due respect, you haven't spent nearly enough time with me to decide that. But there is a clear pattern among people who have. They fucking vanish. Pressure is an every day occurrence. I feel an ever constant pressure to not kill myself, despite how badly I want to. "All I have to be is me?" I'm sorry but that is something I have proven several times to be untrue for me
I don't think that she was telling you, or meaning to say that you do. . . (suffer from depression) - but was more, asking you, so as to try & help get a better understanding of you, and your situation. But don't worry, "tone" is something that can be incredibly difficult to detect (with any real degree of accuracy), in print, at or some / times~ . And you're right, no one on this forum is in a position to be making any serious or significant analyses, on another's anything in their life. For all we have to go off (& that's saying no-thing of the fact that the vast majority of us are "uncredentialed," and even if we were, that wouldn't change things, in my mind) is what they say, and do on here. Which, if we're to be truthful - we have absolutely no way of concrete verification or confirmation of said facts. In other words: i could be making this whole / or entire post up! (but I'm not...)
I can understand your frustration and unhappiness with the way things have gone, and are seeming to be going in terms of their direction in life. Have you ever seen a doctor or therapist, for any assistance to address this? Or try to... If not, then that might be what I'd suggest, or try to do if I were in your shoes. Sometimes when I've been stuck in some serious ruts in the past, what i've had to do to manage to find, or dig my-self out; was to radically alter, or change my way of thinking, and / or behavior, in (whatever it was I was doing: generally, no thing; as in , not even 'working!'). . . Life~ . But, it is easier said than done, I'll grant you that. And that is in part why I have stayed, "stuck" there for so long in past times. (of struggle)~ All I can offer you, is that if you try to do something different (even maybe small, or minor, at first in your daily life or routine) then that my interrupt, or disrupt, your current/or present mindset. It's hard, it is... there's no way in getting around it.
But anyways, if none of this is making any sense, just please do what you can to forget, or ignore it. For if I would write with the clarity of mind in which is present in your above posts, that is to say - with senstencdes that actually were clear and concise and could amke senes`~ (you konw? ) articulate what it is I am thinking... then i would prbobly not be stuck herr, in this cahir ... typing this out to you: for I would be out there, doing 'whatever it is I should be otherwise, doing..' in life; insrtead of stuck (thinking or dreaming up/or of, "new ways to die!:)"
 
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Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#7
There is no "my wavelength." Every single person who has gotten close to me has left. Every one.
Any thoughts on why Wrick?

I've not lived a bad life. Far from it. But I'm not compatible with life on Earth.
You've lost me here! What do you mean not compatible with life on earth? Are you sure it's not just your present circumstances which are making you feel oppressed, trapped and bored, and that a change in conditions would make you feel better?
 

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#8
I don't think that she was telling you, or meaning to say that you do. . . (suffer from depression) - but was more, asking you, so as to try & help get a better understanding of you, and your situation. But don't worry, "tone" is something that can be incredibly difficult to detect (with any real degree of accuracy), in print, at or some / times~ . And you're right, no one on this forum is in a position to be making any serious or significant analyses, on another's anything in their life. For all we have to go off (& that's saying no-thing of the fact that the vast majority of us are "uncredentialed," and even if we were, that wouldn't change things, in my mind) is what they say, and do on here. Which, if we're to be truthful - we have absolutely no way of concrete verification or confirmation of said facts. In other words: i could be making this whole / or entire post up! (but I'm not...)
I was merely turning the question back onto the asker, any miscommunication there I sorely apologize for. I was trying to point out that suffering from depression and living in depressing circumstances are two very different things. A therapist is not a monetarily feasible option for me. Even the sliding scale price isn't low enough
 

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#9
ny thoughts on why Wrick?
The reason is probably because I'm not putting all my effort into being likeable anymore, and I'm actually allowing my own perspectives and opinions to exist. It's not even about major issues. A card game I play sold out to hasbro and I got angry about it. I didn't lambast anyone or try to establish superiority of opinion. I was just angry. That's all it took, being human.

When I say not compatible, I mean the world everyone else is trying to live in is one that absolutely infuriates me. Being a human is a tediously ambiguous, and impossibly arbitrary experience to navigate. It is so fucking exhausting. It takes so much out of me to just be, let alone be doing anything with my life. The circumstances can change all they want, it won't solve how miserably tired I feel
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#10
I was merely turning the question back onto the asker, any miscommunication there I sorely apologize for. I was trying to point out that suffering from depression and living in depressing circumstances are two very different things. A therapist is not a monetarily feasible option for me. Even the sliding scale price isn't low enough
I got it, and forgot to mention that (or touch on it!)... though I think I get what you're getting at -- with the difference in between those two things. Circumstantial, "in theory~" would be easier to handle if it eventually went away and you returned to more of a normal state (that being, without depression, or as in before the circumstances which led you to this particular circumstance, or place). I might try looking into seeing if any grad students are looking for any "practice?" While not perfect, it might be better than nothing. Though, i have no idea as to how successful it would be. It could be better than okay, given that they still might actually 'care,' for the patients whom they are going to see/treat. And thus have a (more) vested interest, in wanting to do the work necessary in helping them. But understanding of course, that the experience is what would be lacking in this scenario. Sorry if I came on to strong, or came across as blunt. That was not my intent!
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#11
When I say not compatible, I mean the world everyone else is trying to live in is one that absolutely infuriates me.
Not literally everyone surely because there are some people who adopt lifestyles which are very different from the norm of work - sleep - eat which, like you, they find meaningless and lacking a sense of purpose.
It is so fucking exhausting
It takes so much out of me to just be, let alone be doing anything with my life.
Maybe your present conditions are preventing you from being you fully? It seems that nothing about them gives you pleasure, but isn't that because they are very restrictive and limited in opportunities to express yourself and develop new q ualities and skills? Maybe if you changed your conditions to more open, less restrictive, boring ones, you might feel some fulfilment, in new circumstances, people, and activities? I have to say your present living situation would probably make most people feel trapped and exhausted as well.
 

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#12
I got it, and forgot to mention that (or touch on it!)... though I think I get what you're getting at -- with the difference in between those two things. Circumstantial, "in theory~" would be easier to handle if it eventually went away and you returned to more of a normal state (that being, without depression, or as in before the circumstances which led you to this particular circumstance, or place). I might try looking into seeing if any grad students are looking for any "practice?" While not perfect, it might be better than nothing. Though, i have no idea as to how successful it would be. It could be better than okay, given that they still might actually 'care,' for the patients whom they are going to see/treat. And thus have a (more) vested interest, in wanting to do the work necessary in helping them. But understanding of course, that the experience is what would be lacking in this scenario. Sorry if I came on to strong, or came across as blunt. That was not my intent!
In my opinion, the work of a therapist is as crucial as the work of a surgeon. They have massive potential to cause damage if they aren't careful. I've heard horrible things people have suffered through because of a bad therapist. It's a risk I refuse to take, even if I could afford it
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#13
In my opinion, the work of a therapist is as crucial as the work of a surgeon. They have massive potential to cause damage if they aren't careful. I've heard horrible things people have suffered through because of a bad therapist. It's a risk I refuse to take, even if I could afford it
Understood. And I'd only ask, if you think there is anything that can be done, to change the outcome of the way things are going, or headed now (in terms of their direction)? Because, while they sometimes --these things-- will work themselves out over time & on their own. Other times, they do take a concerted effort, on our part - or behalf - in order to, "change the mechanism!" : ) Good luck & best Wishes. . .
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#14
I've heard horrible things people have suffered through because of a bad therapist. It's a risk I refuse to take, even if I could afford it
Wouldn't you have an awareness of whether a particular therapist was good for you or not, or don't you trust your own judgement?
 

Atari

Well-Known Member
#15
By the end of the day, I wind back down to feeling like I shouldn't have woken up that day. No matter where the day started or how it went, I reflect on the effort expended and what it took to make it to the end of the day. It always feels like too much.

It takes so much to make it through one day. More than it should, and more than I can truly express to anyone. When I remember I have to do it all again tomorrow I deflate. I want to cry but I just...don't anymore. So I just stare into the middle distance. Waiting for a very heavy object to come hurtling through the air at my head.

I just want to be done with it all. I want it to be over and done with so nobody ever has to tolerate me, and so I don't have to tolerate anyone else; ever again. I never asked to be a part of any of this, so why must I be? What in the ever loving fuck does anybody need from me?
Some days, I feel the same way.

I remember one time, back in my High School days, where I didn't even want to be at school.

I just wanted to stay home and sleep in, but at the same time, there was something important I had to be at school for, regardless.

When I DID get there, it turned out that school had been called off early, because of an electrical fire in the gym.

The first class of the day hadn't even started yet, and already, there was the smell of something burning.

Consequently, school was called off for the rest of the day, and everyone got to go home early.

Looking back on it, made me think about how everything happens for a reason, be it fate, luck, karma, coincidence, etc.
 

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#16
ouldn't you have an awareness of whether a particular therapist was good for you or not, or don't you trust your own judgement?
I'm not exactly sure it's a matter of judgement. A single misplaced or poorly phrased comment from the therapist could be enough to really make a negative impact
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#17
I'm not exactly sure it's a matter of judgement. A single misplaced or poorly phrased comment from the therapist could be enough to really make a negative impact
but that would be a strong signal that this particular therapist isn't the one who can really help you, and to keep looking for the one that feels right and in whose presence you can relax and begin the process of letting go, peacefully, of all that's making life feel unbearable, not of life itself
 
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Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#18
but that would be a strong signal that this particular therapist isn't the one who can really help you, and to keep looking for the one that feels right and in whose presence you can relax and begin the process of letting go, peacefully, of all that's making life feel unbearable, not of life itself
But in that scenario they have already done the damage. They would leave me with new healing to do on top of the healing I went to them for. Therapists are human, and very fallible. I often feel I'd be more successful for myself with access to their resources, but I'm not going to put myself through the stress of university in a world that makes me feel like my head is too tightly attached to my shoulders.

I can't let go of what makes life unbearable for me because they aren't things I'm hanging on to. I put a shit ton of effort into coping and living with these things but they never stop, are impossible to ignore, and whenever I make an attempt at change I'm told "that's just the way it is." Welp, the way it is makes me want to die. So I'm stuck. Go learn to cope with a world I want no part in, oh joy.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#19
I can't let go of what makes life unbearable for me because they aren't things I'm hanging on to
What about pain, fear, despair? What else makes life unbearable other than these kinds of feelings? Are you completely defined and limited by thoughts and feelings that make existence a burden? How would you be if you let these go?
 
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Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#20
But in that scenario they have already done the damage. They would leave me with new healing to do on top of the healing I went to them for
I think you are very well guarded against damage from a bad therapist. You wouldn't trust and open up to someone who couldn't help you. It takes a lot of knowledge and skill to create the right therapeutic conditions for a particular person.
 
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