Lately, I just feel like I'm not really here. I just turned 17 recently and I'm a senior in high school. I'm integral part of many organizations in school and I'm the band captain this year. Female tuba band captain. For at least maybe 11 months now, I have been going through this cycle of feeling what I call light emotions (fake smiles, slight motivation, determination, aggressiveness to finish something, and disappointment in others) and ignoring the deep darkness I lock inside. Lately it just seems like its harder and harder to keep this mask on. Now I'm scared of myself. Today I caught myself staring at some rope hanging from a ledge and I imagined myself hanging there with the rope around my neck. What scares me is that I drifted off to another thought without acknowledging just what kind of a thought I just had. I mean I'm not new to suicidal ideation. I attempted suicide when I was 12. I've had problems with my emotions and thoughts since I was 11. My parents don't know and probably don't care. My parents are pretty abusive, but I don't care about them. I just know it gets better, because the phrase alone prevented me from attempting this past June. I just want to get better. I don't want to find myself dead before 18. Any advice? I'm sure I can get through this as well, but my parents aren't going to be here on Sunday and I just want to make sure they don't find me when they come home. I suppose I'm just having a lucid moment. I have had a friend commit suicide before and I've lost 5 additional friends and family members to other causes. I know it sucks to be left behind x6. I just don't have the stones to ask for help because I such this high figure in school. All of the geeks, dorks, and "un-popular" kids look up to me as some sort of God. I never fault. I can't show that I'm feeling suicidal or down or nothing. I need to be the picture of motivation and pride and constant improvement. I know what it is to feel like them. Everyone needs someone to believe in. All of the people that I have looked up to have let me down. I just want to give the younger kids something that I've never had. I'm sorry if I'm rambling. Thanks for your time in reading this and I appreciate any advice you may have for me.