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It feels like I'm already dead

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Lately, I just feel like I'm not really here.

I just turned 17 recently and I'm a senior in high school. I'm integral part of many organizations in school and I'm the band captain this year. Female tuba band captain.

For at least maybe 11 months now, I have been going through this cycle of feeling what I call light emotions (fake smiles, slight motivation, determination, aggressiveness to finish something, and disappointment in others) and ignoring the deep darkness I lock inside. Lately it just seems like its harder and harder to keep this mask on.

Now I'm scared of myself. Today I caught myself staring at some rope hanging from a ledge and I imagined myself hanging there with the rope around my neck. What scares me is that I drifted off to another thought without acknowledging just what kind of a thought I just had. I mean I'm not new to suicidal ideation. I attempted suicide when I was 12. I've had problems with my emotions and thoughts since I was 11. My parents don't know and probably don't care. My parents are pretty abusive, but I don't care about them. I just know it gets better, because the phrase alone prevented me from attempting this past June. I just want to get better.

I don't want to find myself dead before 18. Any advice? I'm sure I can get through this as well, but my parents aren't going to be here on Sunday and I just want to make sure they don't find me when they come home. I suppose I'm just having a lucid moment. I have had a friend commit suicide before and I've lost 5 additional friends and family members to other causes. I know it sucks to be left behind x6.

I just don't have the stones to ask for help because I such this high figure in school. All of the geeks, dorks, and "un-popular" kids look up to me as some sort of God. I never fault. I can't show that I'm feeling suicidal or down or nothing. I need to be the picture of motivation and pride and constant improvement. I know what it is to feel like them. Everyone needs someone to believe in. All of the people that I have looked up to have let me down. I just want to give the younger kids something that I've never had.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling.

Thanks for your time in reading this and I appreciate any advice you may have for me.


Active Member
everybodyneeds help at tims. . even the cool, together and popular. . perhpas by you getting help you can show others that taking care of yourself is important. . maybe in your weakness yo will show someone the strength required to seek help with life. . good luck. . and,hey there is always someone here. . someone hat cares and will listen . .tuba captain...I love that. . .


Well-Known Member

I read your post several times. Unfortunately I far far away from being a teenager and I not sure if my advice would help. But I think you deserve a response because very few has responded to your posting.

You spoke of "wearing masks" and "the deep darkness" which you locked inside of your psyche. This seem to indicate that you are unable about some or even many aspect of your life but you have successfully repressed it. And now it is leaking out.

Furthermore, you say you were successful at presenting a successful and happy version of yourself to others in school. I think this is causing some kind of cognitive dissociation. In order words you feel "fake".

As I have my own particular personality type, I tend to think and analyse things a bit. If I were you, I would tend to try any understand what is really making me unhappy and see if I can change the situation that is causing my unhappiness. In the fact which you cannot change the situation, perhaps you can ask for some assistance. In any case, it's okay to be unhappy or sad when you are in school. You do not have to keep up a happy appearance all the time. Just allow yourself a week to be sad or down.

I believe it is better to be a real person then to live with a fake personality on all the time. Life is not meant to be happy every second. You are allow to expressed your feeling from time to time. Keeping darkness within yourself all the time can be counter productive if it eventually causes you to lose your real self.

I hope this would help you discover what is the real cause of your suffering and enable you to plan a way of neutralising your emotional pain

Steven Siew
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