A few weeks ago when I thought of suicide, it just felt like the perfect escape strategy and only brought some relief knowing I can end my struggles any day I want. Then I set a date of expiration which I try to reach before doing anything to myself. And now when I think of killing myself I get this weird feeling. As if I was waiting for something big, kinda feels like when you're a kid waiting for xmas. And then there's also the feeling similar to what you have when you wanna get your exam back but you're really nervous about the grade. I just want these months to pass faster. I'd probably do it earlier if I had the means but I don't and I don't wanna ruin the sheets, you know?