I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for many years, but it has never been as bad as it is now. I have been through therapy, the inpatient psych unit and numerous drugs. I am currently in a group therapy for DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) and trying to learn "distress tolerance skills". It is temporarily helpful to distract myself with nice little things like doing something I enjoy (though I don't really enjoy anything anymore) or lighting candles or incense, or even self-harming, but I feel like I can't do this anymore. I have put my family through so much and they have wasted so much money trying to "fix" me and I'm not getting better. They have also wasted money on my education which my mom never fails to mention about how much they have spent and that I had better finish. Everyone keeps talking about my bright future and that I can do anything, etc, but I don't see a future. I talk about my life in the past tense these days, like I didn't do anything with it and it was a failure. Everyone thinks I'm just being silly and they don't take me seriously. My mom says most people don't have the luxury of feeling depressed. My dad said about my past attempts that I didn't really want to die and that I was just trying to get attention. Well this time I'm not really telling anyone so it's not to get attention. And I'm not fooling around because I have a plan and the means and could carry it out at any time. I woke up this morning and just said, "today would be a good day to commit suicide". It's cold, it's dark, I'm not going to get anything done, as usual. People on the outside would wonder why in the world I would feel this way, but they don't know the pain I go through on the inside every day. I'm a totally incapable and useless human being and I shouldn't be stealing air on this earth. It feels like my time has really come to leave because nobody is going to even notice, and the people that will, like my friends and family, will get over it after a little while. At least I won't be a burden anymore. I think I'm ready.