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It feels too right...

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#1
I can't seem to get away from thoughts of suicide. It seems like the right thing to do for so many reasons. What do I have to do to stop death from being a good-looking option? I'm starting to scare myself a bit. It seems like I could decide to just up and go any minute. I don't know if I want that. I built up a lot of goals and hopes, though they're seeming impossible right now, and that's what's keeping me back, I think.

I feel like I'm slowly (or sometimes not so slowly) losing those hopes. What's gonna happen when they're all gone? It seems right, comfortable and final like it's what should be.

Only I don't want it. I want to be happy and build up the life I've destroyed again.

I don't know what I'm after. I guess I'm hoping for a miracle. Hehe.

Anyway, love y'all, don't worry your pretty heads.

Caz xxx
 
I

i_am_not_here

#2
ForgetMeNot said:
I feel like I'm slowly (or sometimes not so slowly) losing those hopes. What's gonna happen when they're all gone?
Hi Caz,

What happens when you do finally lose all hopes? You come up with a plan that cannot fail and just bide your time until you impliment it. Like me. Strange though... you hear of people suddenly being "happier" when they reach this stage, but I can guarantee you that I don't.

I hope, for your sake, that you never lose all those hopes and that you manage to at least hold onto one of them.
 

Luliby

Staff Alumni
#3
ForgetMeNot :hug: i_am_not_here :hug:

Depression can be very misleading. It generates feelings of hopelessness and despair. And because of Association, your mind when it feels hopelessness and despair is triggered to remeber times in your life of hopelessness and despair. Every life has it's ups and down but with depression suddenly your life just seems like one long down. Because depression doesn't remind you of happy times and does not trigger those memories. So your left with only the bad ones, in the dark as they say.

I like to think the reason it DOESN't feel perfectly right is because there is a voice in side that says.. hmmm.. something is not right here. Emotionally it feels right, because of the depression, but in your mind, maybe buried in your subconscious, are the good and happy memories, the successes and the pats on the back.

Depression wants to disqualify them but don't. They are important and worth remembering.

So don't believe the lie that things are hopeless because they feel that way. That is a chemically induced emotion. And don't buy the thoughts and memories that line up saying, "Oh yeah! what about all this and all that, it's hopeless". Don;t buy it because those are thoughts associated to the chemically induced emotion of depression. You are not the sum of your sorrow and despair, there is more, much more. Depression wants to hide that like dark sunglasses filters out the light.

Getting a good balanced meal, getting rest, maybe journaling and reaching out like you have here for support. You have to go against your natural inclination to do these things because of the depression but it will make a difference, yu will feel a bit better. Going for a walk or some light exercise helps. Doing something self soothing or comforting for yourself can help. journaling can help.

Sometimes I start by journaling. I write iin my journal, "ok.. I'm going to take a shower now. I'm going to get up, go into the bathroom, turn on the water, it will feel good, I'll feel cleaner and like I have accomplished something. I'll wash my hair, get dressed and come back here to my journal. I can do this one task. Just focus on the one task."

Sometimes my depression is so bad I can barekly function and I have to focus on one task at a time that most people would just take for granted.

:hug:

Start with just one thing that you can do and do that.
 
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