It gets harder everyday.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BelovedDreamer, Jun 4, 2013.

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  1. BelovedDreamer

    BelovedDreamer Well-Known Member

    They say it gets better. And for some it does. But it's been so many years. And I have watched from the trapped recesses of my mind. And sometimes there is laughter and something approaching happiness. But it is brief. And always behind the brief flickers of almost content lies the grasping thing that is my broken mind. Bad genetics. Bad luck. Trauma and unstable beginnings. These things add up to a person that I am almost proud to be, but also know is incapable of continuing to survive in a world whose edges are too sharp and it's inhabitants too cruel. But I am my worst torturer, not a purpose, but because I cannot protect myself from the jagged places where I have been ill-made or have been broken. Sedated to the gills I remain on edge. It's like the story of the original runner at Marathon-- one can only keep up such a fast and desperate pace for so long before collapse and death from sheer exhaustion. I am exhausted. I cannot keep up this pace. Fear and despair have had me at such a rate for so long, eventually, soon I think, I will lose my last bit of remaining endurance and collapse never to rise again. I am tired and I am only alive because I know my dying would cause pain to my mother, and so I keep fighting myself every day, but I'm pretty sure the part of me that cares that I would be causing others pain in making my own choice is losing, and the part that says my life is mine to do with, even to dispose of, if I wish is crying my name and it's own right louder and louder.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. Sorry the pain is so extreme. I do relate to much of what you said. I hope that you can stay alive. For your mom. There is a little 6 year old who would miss me very much. And when I think seriously about taking my life, i think of the little girl who calls me mommy. I know I cannot leave her. I hope the part of you that doesnt want your mom to expereice that loss, wins I hope that part gets stronger. And I hope that you can get relief from the pain.
  3. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member


    keep reaching out to us
  4. BelovedDreamer

    BelovedDreamer Well-Known Member

    I feel so lonely and empty except for the hamster wheel of pain in my head. My support system has kind of suddenly just fallen out from under me. I feel like the parts of me I was precariously holding together are about to come loose. I feel so alone and sad. I can't make myself eat more than a bit, I'm so nauseous and disinterested in food. Which is not like me unless it's really bad. Normally I comfort eat. I feel a million miles away and so despairing and I don't know how it's possible to feel so miserable and so sort of disassociated at the same time.
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am so sorry to hear that things are feeling even worse today. Re: dissociation, It is my understanding that disassociated state is very painful. Grounded state is much easier to handle. I could go into the explanation for it. But I am not sure I should do that in this area of the forums. Suffice to say, the more out of my body i am, the more depressed and fearful and horrible I feel. I do not do grounding that well, so I am not suggesting that anyone should do it well. Try to take good care of you. And please keep posting. :hug:
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you are in such a low place. Yes, sometimes the good times and brief happiness seem to be a tease sometimes but they also serve as a reminder of what can be. Please be kind to yourself. Many of us torture ourselves worse then the rest of the world does and that makes it so even smaller things from the rest of the world are too much - start making your world better by showing yourself kindness.

    Take Care and Be Safe

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