It has been a long year

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by redochre, Nov 5, 2012.

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  1. redochre

    redochre New Member

    This past year has been by far the toughest yet. I have struggled with depression since I was a freshman in high school when my parents divorced, however what I felt then feels trivial compared to this year. I have a therapist but she doesn't help much, I have been prescribed nearly half a dozen different types of anti depression medication to no prevail and I currently have just gotten off of them due to the negative side effects.
    anyway, about my year...
    March 6th I found out my boyfriend of nearly 3 years cheated on me with a 13yrold school slut a year into our relationship... I was 19 at the time, he was 17 soon to be 18. He later confessed to exchanging pics with people online and talking to several more girls... He also claimed that he was a changed man and knew the wrongs he had done and wanted to spend the rest of his life proving himself to me, because I am the only person he will ever love. Now I am not denying that I don't believe him when he tells me this and since we had gotten back together after a few months he did nothing but try extremely hard for me...

    after we had gotten back together on June 1st my boyfriend had gotten into a very serious dirt bike crash resulting in two collapsed lungs, 14 days in the ICU, and injuries that had to be later fixed in another second major surgery in July. I stood by him as much as I could, even driving to separate states for hospital visits.. cause lets face it I had loved this kid for nearly three years and he is a major part in my life.

    Except I was left with the pain brought on by the complete world shattering ..event.. that has essentially crippled me. I stopped talking to my past friends due to the fact that everyone knew he cheated yet not one of my close friends chose to tell me. I lived a complete fake lie, my friends were not really my friends.. and even now no one chooses to talk to me, or send a text my way unless their drunk. I began losing control of my temper towards him, and such severe jealousy and hatred is all that I can seem to produce. Due to that we decided to take a break yesterday.

    I Used to be a great student; National honors society, International honors society, and deans list.. this year however, when I found out in march I was too crippled for the next few months that I had to take a Leave of absence from my Uni in order to keep from failing the semester. Upon finding out the news I also was diagnosed with Lyme disease for the 3rd time. This time was the worst by far though it caused extreme chest pain in the form of Costrochondrititis and it was medication resistant. The following semester for school has been just as difficult, finding time with my severe depression is near impossible to complete the tasks I have at hand.

    Due to the Lyme, and my boyfriends accident I had to quit my job of 3 years. I was on TDI however it has just run out, and the money is near all gone due to a car crash that I had been in a few weeks ago. I am still suffering from symptoms that occur from the medication they are using to treat me so I have not been physically able to find/work a job

    And I am now sitting here wondering if I am making the right decision in this break, because right now I feel as though I have lost the only person I have ever met who understands me. I don't have a car still so I have sat on the couch for the last few days all day and cried. I'm terrified of being alone, I haven't been alone in a very long time and I don't have any close friends around to help. My parents are divorced but I don't talk to them about this stuff, even though I live with my mom. I have lost alot of hope and nearly all motivation to get anything done and every day just piles on more. I think of suicide often, more often then most. I wish I could end it all but I am to afraid, even though I feel as though I have run out of options. So in the meantime I feel like i'm stuck in limbo terrified, locked to the couch, crying every 10 min, too unmotivated to even live.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the difficulties. All other challenges get made so much worse when accompanied by physical illness as well - it seems the physical and the mental problems feed off from each other. You are doing the right thing in looking for and reaching out for support to help you through these times. Neither I nor likely anybody else can tell you right or wrong about taking a break - just go with what makes the most sense to you and meets your needs the best. I hope things begin to look up for you soon.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I am sure you have a doc for the Lyme Disease...can you talk to him/her about how you are feeling so that you can get support through this difficult time? Many people have things interfere in their school work and get back on track...you sound like a smart, sensitive person, so I am sure when you are feeling better, you can too. It seems that you first have to get your health in order and decide on other things...about your bf, is there some mid ground so that you have contact but can also have some distance? Please choose one or two friends and see if you can reconnect with them, even to go out briefly so you continue to go out of the house...welcome again and please let us know how you are doing
     
  4. redochre

    redochre New Member

    Thank you, I have talked to several doctor before and all they do is recommend you to a therapist or medicate you. I just finally got off all anti depressants that I was on for over a year, due to the lack of effect and side effects. I haven't found the doctors to be overly helpful and I am soon to hopefully be off my Lyme medication after several months of treatment. So my doctor visits are few recently. and because I am too afraid to be alone for long periods of time I always end up keeping contact up with my bf, that and I still don't have a car so hes my ride until its fixed. as for my friends I'm not comfortable being with them anymore, and hanging with them will only remind me of what had happened and how I cant trust them. because at least my bf is the only one trying to make things right with me.
     
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