At this point I would like to thank you guys that this forum exist. You gave me understanding of things that my mind was unable to analyse. All the posts I have read are precious. Understanding has helped me to accept and learn from that hard experience. Thank you! :grouphug: I was suicidal in my early teenages. If I would belive there is hell, I was living in it then. My home was my hell. Once I have felt desperate. I took a bucked and big kitchen knife from the bathroom to my room. I find it irractional now that i wanted the bucked not to spil the carpet with my blood. :blink: I locked the room. I prepared myself and I closed my eyes. I was imaging what is it going to be when all is done. I saw a hollow darkness, silence that i missed so much, full relaxation, emptiness... Then i felt dissapointed with what i saw and felt. Nothingless is not what i wanted. I couldnt stand the curcumstances i was in, but that was not the way i wanted to deal with it. That was not the goal i wanted to achive. I didnt want to disapear completly, I want to disapear from this certain situation. I want all my dreams to come true, how could they if I die now. I have fallen asleep. When i woke up I run away from home to my brothers house. This is how everything began to change. Till now there is only once I have felt the thrill of suicide on my back. When my father commited it this year, I was wondering if this was my destination too. It wasnt of course and it is not. It never will bacuse i have choosen so. Suicide is not my destination, but a wonderful life is.