It has come back....

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by SweetVitriol, Aug 14, 2008.

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  1. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    I so hoped that I would never have to return to this site, but after a remission from my depression I have once again found myself back in the grip of darkness and as a result, find myself back into my old habits (That die oh so hard)

    I find myself feeling a bit out of sorts on here..Especially given that I am older, male and been acquainted with my ED for many years now..I have been through the Bulimia and the binge/purge cycle so many times now yet now I find myself back into the restrictive cycle..I know it is all tied in with my depression..A way of controlling something in my life as everything else spirals downwards..But I so crave it..

    In the last two weeks I have dropped over 20lbs by starving myself...I have returned to all my old tricks and traits and even as I write this, I fear being discovered..

    I do not ask for help..I feel I am beyond that now and besides, I actually want this...All I am seeking is the company of those who understand.. to me..
  2. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel..

    That control you recieve.. It feels wonderful..

    But it's not healthy either..
    But I can't tell you to stop..
    Cause then I'd be a hypocrit.

    :unsure: feel free to PM me if you'd like.

    <3Rachel :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 14, 2008
  3. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Two weeks later and I find myself settling back into my old habits..The deceptions, the water-loading to reduce my appetite & all the tricks that I long ago thought I had abandoned..

    At last I have found again the only thing in my life that I can control and I intend to cling onto it for dear life..
    The more I look in the mirror, the more I loathe what I see...The fat, the loose skin..How I wish that it would go..
    The angrier I become, the more I punish myself for my weaknesses and flaws..
  4. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Have you asked to be referred to Mausdley Hospital (denmark hill). I'm waiting for an assement but have heard that their one of the best in the UK. sorry not much help.
  5. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    I am already under an outreach of the Maudsley for my bipolar but not prepared to let my psych know about this..As I said before, I really don't want help only the company of those who understand..(Sorry if that sounds short...It was not meant to sound that way)

    I finally feel like I can control something in my life whilst all else spirals away from my grip..The ideal of making myself become a mote on the breeze..Unseen and unnoticed draws closer with each day and I hold on to it with all my might..

    I am sorry if this causes distress to anyone who reads this...Such was not my intent...
  6. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    I know how good it feels. And you don't want to stop, neither do I. But I also fear that it is actually controlling me, rather than the other way round. And, surely, this is not what you want? Maybe it would be more empowering to leave it behind you, for good this time, and your success at that in turn could lift you out of your depression? Just a thought :unsure:
  7. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    At an intellectual level I know that it controls me..But right now this is the only thing I have to hold onto..Everything else seems to be spiraling away from my grip...

    When I eat I feel so guilty that I return to my previous restrictive habits..At the moment I am down to 300-500 kcals a day and even then I still don't seem to be losing as much weight as I want..It has gotten to the stage where I am back on pills to suppress my appetite, something I promised myself I would never do again...But I even manage to beat myself up about that..

    The only thing that matters to me is seeing the needle on the scales drop lower and lower..Beyond that this forum is the only thing that makes me feel any better about myself..At least by helping others I can justify my existence...
  8. purplefizz

    purplefizz Senior Member

    I understand how you feel.

    I've been stuck in the binge/purge cycle for 3 years now. I feel that it controls me, but at the same time, it's the only thing I have in life. Just as your goal is losing weight, mine is getting my next 'fix'. I feel like an addict. I couldn't imagine life without my eating disorder. It's scary to think about. I'm not aiming for recovery at the moment either. I, of course, encourage you to fight this, but it's really up to you. I hope things turn better for you soon. :hug:
  9. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Thank you hon..It is an I have no desire to break but I send you nothing but love..Stay strong..x
  10. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I haven't eaten properly in 3 weeks, I just drink a glass of a juice once a day. I really don't have appetite. At the moment I am only a couple of kilo's underweight. I am seeing a psych for other issues and she spotted that I have lost weight in 2 weeks, I lost over 10kg. She could tell just by looking at my face. But I actually enjoy losing weight, I love looking at my flat stomach in the mirror and seeing my pec muscles and my hip bones protruding a little. She asked if I had breakfast that morning, I told her no, just as well she didn't how long since I last ate. I don't want to eat because I know the weight will come back on. I can't hide my weight loss from her because she can see it in my face. I am not even going to bother with baggy clothes because that is the oldest trick in the book.
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