When i first came to this website, I told people about my intention to take my own life on my next birthday unless things changed. As I began to get closer to people, I realized that my discussion of that deadline upset and hurt people that I now considered friends. A lot of people thought then, and still do now, that such a deadline is not only stupid, but a lie. It was for these 2 reasons that I stopped talking about it. I didn't want to hurt people anymore, I didn't want to argue about it anymore. That deadline has never gone away. Most of the people on this site are teenagers or young adults experiencing all the shit the world has to offer. The loneliness, the regrets, the hate, the pain, the tears. Take a moment, add another 10 years or so of that loneliness, regret, hate, pain, tears onto what you've already been through, and now perhaps you can see my perspective? There has to be an end to it, there has to be a line drawn, there has to be a point where you say. "Enough is enough". I will end this charade called "existence" once and for all. Even for the older ones amongst you, a lot of you have kids, have been married, have enjoyed a family life which has completely passed me by. I missed out on a lot of living when I was younger, and now it seems I'm missing out on a lot of living that people do as they get a little older. My life is buried in fear, buried in regret, buried in the tears that nobody ever sees, these days its also buried in apathy, in stagnation, in a mind that is blank, in a heart that is dead. Quite often lately, I greet the start of a new day by lying in bed, and just thinking, and with that thinking a couple of lonely, barren tears, slowly roll down my face....reminding me of just how fucking empty it all is. :sad: Its a great way to start the day...simple, but it gets the point across. There have been times in the last few months where Ive come close to calling it quits, when Ive really wanted to draw a line under my life, and end it, but I haven't done it...whats stopped me, fear?, the unknown?, the physical pain involved? the worry it might fail? I don't know. All I know is that the date is set, and the only way to stop it, is getting my life back, and changing the way I think. I wish I could say that I'm gonna run out there tomorrow and change everything, set the world on fire, and turn it all around, but that would be an outright fucking lie, and everyone knows it. All i can do is hope that I somehow change the way I think, manage to take the steps I need, take the risks I need to take, put the regret, and memories of my fucked up past behind me...thats all I can do, and given the last 15 years, the chances aren't good, they aren't good at all. This will be the last time I talk about my deadline, if you wanna get up me, or talk shit about it....you'll be talking to yourself, because nothing anybody says will stop it. Like I've said, this "existing" has to end. P.S I am sorry to those people i might have upset, especially those close to me, or those who use to be close friends. Like I say, this will be the last time I talk about it.