It has to end.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by LetItGo, Jun 11, 2007.

  1. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    When i first came to this website, I told people about my intention to take my own life on my next birthday unless things changed.

    As I began to get closer to people, I realized that my discussion of that deadline upset and hurt people that I now considered friends. A lot of people thought then, and still do now, that such a deadline is not only stupid, but a lie. It was for these 2 reasons that I stopped talking about it. I didn't want to hurt people anymore, I didn't want to argue about it anymore.

    That deadline has never gone away.

    Most of the people on this site are teenagers or young adults experiencing all the shit the world has to offer. The loneliness, the regrets, the hate, the pain, the tears. Take a moment, add another 10 years or so of that loneliness, regret, hate, pain, tears onto what you've already been through, and now perhaps you can see my perspective? There has to be an end to it, there has to be a line drawn, there has to be a point where you say. "Enough is enough". I will end this charade called "existence" once and for all.

    Even for the older ones amongst you, a lot of you have kids, have been married, have enjoyed a family life which has completely passed me by. I missed out on a lot of living when I was younger, and now it seems I'm missing out on a lot of living that people do as they get a little older. My life is buried in fear, buried in regret, buried in the tears that nobody ever sees, these days its also buried in apathy, in stagnation, in a mind that is blank, in a heart that is dead.

    Quite often lately, I greet the start of a new day by lying in bed, and just thinking, and with that thinking a couple of lonely, barren tears, slowly roll down my face....reminding me of just how fucking empty it all is. :sad: Its a great way to start the day...simple, but it gets the point across.

    There have been times in the last few months where Ive come close to calling it quits, when Ive really wanted to draw a line under my life, and end it, but I haven't done it...whats stopped me, fear?, the unknown?, the physical pain involved? the worry it might fail? I don't know. All I know is that the date is set, and the only way to stop it, is getting my life back, and changing the way I think.

    I wish I could say that I'm gonna run out there tomorrow and change everything, set the world on fire, and turn it all around, but that would be an outright fucking lie, and everyone knows it. All i can do is hope that I somehow change the way I think, manage to take the steps I need, take the risks I need to take, put the regret, and memories of my fucked up past behind me...thats all I can do, and given the last 15 years, the chances aren't good, they aren't good at all.

    This will be the last time I talk about my deadline, if you wanna get up me, or talk shit about'll be talking to yourself, because nothing anybody says will stop it. Like I've said, this "existing" has to end.

    P.S I am sorry to those people i might have upset, especially those close to me, or those who use to be close friends. Like I say, this will be the last time I talk about it.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ok Matt, you think its hard at 33 to pick yourself up..try 51:sad:

    I don't often let this out but I'm hoping that this confession just might help you.
    I wake up every morning with a fear of the future that grabs me by the throat and nigh on strangles the life out of me.
    There is never a moment of my day where I don't miss him.
    Life seems to be an endless fight with my wish to have some peace against the fear, grief and anger that I have raging thru me.
    The months pass it doesn't get better, it doesn't go away.
    Decision making seems to freeze me up with fright and indecision; but I plod on...I have to plod on..because thats life.
    Life throws shit at us whether we're strong enough to take it or not and in the final analysis "WE ARE THE MASTERS OF OUR DESTINIES".

    Plod on with me Matt, it isn't easy, it's often painful...but at least we aren't alone. Friends here may only be internet friends, but they've kept me alive.

    Off for a bloody good cry.

  3. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend


    Im 40, have never married, never had kids, never had a "relationship" as such, a bit like Buck Rogers, I have been frozen in time, for the last 25 years, I put my entire life on "freeze frame", for such a stupid reason, being gay and all.

    You're not alone, we all make mistakes, we all do stupid fucked up things at times, there is a term for it I think...

    It's called being human .

    I'm short on time at the moments, but will read you're post later and post a better reply.

    (I've been there, done that, very nearly, it can, and in my case did get better)
  4. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    There are no words that I can say to either you Matt or to you Terry. I love you both dearly and if you both need to ever talk I'm here to listen even if I'm only 27. :hug:
  5. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend


    I don't know you, I don't know what you are like, what you're hangup are, what brought you to this place in life, so all I can do is tell you about me, where I came from, where I nearly ended up, and where I am now.

    I had a pretty messed up childhood, it was all smoke and mirrors, lie's, punishment, impossible goals, the people that where supposed to love most, thought the best way to help me, was to tell me I was a lazy useless, moron, that just had to try harder, just what I needed, after a while I started to believe it, and there was a little less pleasant stuff going on as well, but its water under the bridge now. At 13 I thought I might be gay, at 15 I knew I was gay, generaly not a good idea for a young man, living with two pretty homophobic parents, I was brought up to believe it was a choice, so I chose to be single rather than gay, that continued for almost 25 years, for a long time I thought if it was ment to be "god" or "what ever" would send me a partners, and if it happened I would know it was ok to be gay, so I waited and waited, then in 1999, I thought he had come along, but it wasn't to be, and I was so sure he was the one, later that year the emptyness nearly got the better of me, I had it all planned out, all I needed, everything neat and tidy, no body would ever have been able to prove it was my own doing, it was perfect, but in that instant I had what I think alcaholics a momnet of clarity, just for second, I thought why am I doing this, and it that instant of clarity, all the bullshit, all the bollocks you tell your self, was gone, there was me, my life, the means to end it and nothing else, then it struck me, I was about to do this and in the deapest darkest corners of my soul, I had no fucking clue why !!!!!

    Since then its not been easy, I've cried alot, drunk alot, smoked alot, got depressed alot, but nothing I did changed anything or mande me feel any better.

    I've just turned 40, and for me it has been a good thing, i have slowly let go of all the things that held me back before, I have learned to accept me for who I am, if other folks don't like it, then thats their problem, not mine, I am not my parents, the things I learnt growing up where their thoughts, not mine.

    I've recently told all my family, apart from my parents, im gay, I still have a lot of anger towards mum and dad, for the pain they help me put myself through for all those years, I have a few friends I have told and even one person I dont really know, but he asked, so I told him.

    I refuse to let other poeple make me feel bad about myself, I can do that on my own, I don't need any help.

    Not sure if that helps or is relavent, but for now, Im doing better than I have done in a long time, and nothing has really changed that much, I'm still single, still lonely at times, but feel so much better about my self


    PS, And with rather ironic timing, I have medical problems in the trouser department, that will require specialist treatment, now waiting for appointmnet with consultant, and even that hasn't pushed me over the edge into depression again !!!!!
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Paul YOU DID IT!!!! WELL DONE!!! :goodjob: and didn't I tell you some won't like it but in general no-one who really cares about you will give a toss.:biggrin:
    Welcome out of the closet!!!

    Matt grab your shoes, Paul get your leathers out the wardrobe..we're going on a pub crawl:laugh:
  7. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Yes Terry, I did it, thats the point. lol lol lol.

    Suppose reaching the half way point in my life (if I'm lucky), past half way probably, I looked back and thought, do I really want to do that all over again, carry on down the same road, slowly fading away into the back ground of what was really someone else's life, the answer to that was no.

    So as much I didn't want to, I moved on

    Guess I have spent far too much time thinking about other people and no where near enough time, thinking about myself.

    I originaly set off down that path, for my own protection and what I thought was to protect those I loved, from my own rotten self, but as I grew up I never took the time to check if I was really as bad a person as others had told me, I must be, for (all be it secretly) being a "gay".

    Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel, I have done things I am not proud of, manipulated people, had hidden agendas, betrayed friends trust, made mistakes, most of which I regret, some I don't.

    Looking back now, by doing what I thought was "the right thing to do", it only really served one purpose, it forced me to live what I thought was the worse day of life, the day I realised I was gay, over and over and over again, for the next 25 years.

    The crazyest part of it is, I was quite happy at the time to do it.


    Shit happens, deal with it and move on.

    Just a pitty it took me so long to work that one out and actualy do something about it !

    What the future holds, I don't know, guess it will come out at work, sooner or later, but am I bothered what people that dont really care about me think ? am I bollocks ! might things get harder, they might, but can it make me feel any worse about myself on a personal level, than I have in the past.......... not a chance.

    I'm not afraid any more

    It's what I think about me that counts and nothing else.