The pain is so great today. I was triggered last night by financial circumstances thats completely out of my control but could have a deep impact on my future safety. Hard to breathe ( just because of the depression) the pain is intense. Too worn out to do much of anything. Cant go outside. the condo complex spread hay over grass seed. the hay is infested with fleas. So I cannot go outside, even though I would not be outside for long anyway. The problems of life is just plain aghausting. I just wish for one day I could expereince life as a person who is free. thanks for letting me post here. I belong to a forum where I posted asking for prayers. 17 people read it. No one responded. Triggered old thought " I could scream as loud as I could but no one would hear". When I am here I just know that most people truely understand. Thank you for that. Thinking of getting the final thing on the list of supplies to exit myself. But then I will have to figure out how to put it all together. This way of self exit is a bit technical. But its the top recommended one by the book I read. I am feeling the result of having lost my support system when I lost the insurance and went on medicare which does not pay for the therapists or naturopath. Finally I am really feeling the base depression of the lack of local support. Way too tired and sore to reach out and risk being more harmed. Okay, sorry this is so long. Just needed to write the truth. No other place to write it or say it. only here.