it hurts so intensely today

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by flowers, Sep 1, 2010.

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  1. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    The pain is so great today. I was triggered last night by financial circumstances thats completely out of my control but could have a deep impact on my future safety. Hard to breathe ( just because of the depression) the pain is intense. Too worn out to do much of anything. Cant go outside. the condo complex spread hay over grass seed. the hay is infested with fleas. So I cannot go outside, even though I would not be outside for long anyway. The problems of life is just plain aghausting. I just wish for one day I could expereince life as a person who is free. thanks for letting me post here. I belong to a forum where I posted asking for prayers. 17 people read it. No one responded. Triggered old thought " I could scream as loud as I could but no one would hear". When I am here I just know that most people truely understand. Thank you for that. Thinking of getting the final thing on the list of supplies to exit myself. But then I will have to figure out how to put it all together. This way of self exit is a bit technical. But its the top recommended one by the book I read. I am feeling the result of having lost my support system when I lost the insurance and went on medicare which does not pay for the therapists or naturopath. Finally I am really feeling the base depression of the lack of local support. Way too tired and sore to reach out and risk being more harmed. Okay, sorry this is so long. Just needed to write the truth. No other place to write it or say it. only here.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you can write what your feeling in your heart I am glad you know people care here. I have prayed for you and will continue to do so I wish you would try somehow to get someone to talk to in real life. a real voice is so much more healing to me I have never reached out that way before until this past month and the voice on the other end was so calming and caring it made me cry YOu need a caring voice to flowers it does help even if you don't know the person it helps okay please try and know i care and i will continue to pray for help for you
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I don't have advice except to keep fighting this damned illness......
    I wanted you to know I read your post and I hope you find the strength to stay..
  4. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Gawd,I had your day completely Flowers....has a good round of crying, reckless driving and other not so kosher you the insurance changes adds to it....likewise, I no longer can afford my naturopath/MD. I nowhave long term disability thru job but it doesn't pay for much other than rent and 2 psych appts. Everything is closing in.....did you lose your friends too?
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Violet, it brought tears to my eyes when you talked about talking with someone irl. I am so intensly grateful that you have that. You so need and deserve it. Thank you for your prayers, as you know, I am praying for you, dear Violet. For you and your daughter <3

    IV2010 thank you for your words. On another forum my signature reads something like " letting someone know they are truely heard may be the greatest gift they receive that day" Thanks for hearing <3

    Pinkpetals I am deeply sorry to hear of the similarities. Just shaking my head in saddness that you are there. Yes, I have lost friends constantly. Because this has always nipped at my heels. just got much worse when the money fell away. Could no longer take the safe classes or pay people. Couldnt hide it anymore. I used to be part of a spiritual healing community. But they are strong and I am not. As I declined in strength, they gained strength on their path. They are not mentally ill. Sounds like you lost your friends also. I am so very sorry. How did that exactly happen? <3
  6. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Geez, I feel like we are a mirror image in alot of ways. Yes, I lost friends b/c of my depression/suicide attempt. I agree, the money makes it worse and more out of control...trying to do a juggling act of borrowing and paying back...even that is something I can't do being so financially negative.

    I hear ya on that note about being weak yet those that claim to be there for others, strengthen and keep moving forward. Their lives flourish and as far as I see it, they then welcome us back when were ready to hear about their lives, accomplishments etc. Interestingly, I was part of a "healing community" as well and did you have the pressures of people always going to your for answers and help? I was flooded daily with emails and questions for "their" wellness but when it came time that I was "falling" EVERYONE turned away.....

    When did your depression start if you dont mind me asking?
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    oh pinkpetals, it sounds like you have had such a hard time with friends turning away from you. Yes, I had a good friend when I was young who turned away from me fast when she heard me say that I really wanted to die.

    The healing community I was a part of is made up of people who would not want to turn to me for answers and help without recripricating. They are pretty strong people. If I had the money to take the classes and seminars, and if I had the energy and health to still do healings etc, then I would be part of the community. I just am not healed enough to be in the community any longer. I really never was. Okay, I was a pretty good healer then. We all took care of other people. People who came to us for help. and then we worked on our healing with each other and professionals via classes etc. Its okay. I ran out of money. And could no longer do the healings. Its the way life is for me. And I declined as they were continuing to advance. They are actually very good people.

    I am sorry that you helped others and they turned away when you needed help. Thats a horrible feeling for sure. I hope that you can find support locally from people who will accept you for who you are, where you are and how you are !!!!!

    Huge blessings for you pinkpetals.
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