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It hurts so much...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Andysosad, Sep 20, 2013.

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  1. Andysosad

    Andysosad New Member

    Until about 6 months ago I was in a wonderful relationship for almost 15 years. Even though things were no perfect I truly believed I had found my life partner and soul mate. Well my life has certainly be transformed pretty drastically over the past 6 months and I would have never guessed I would be where I am...but I trying so hard to be truly grateful for everything. It has been a time of profound lessons and powerful realizations. Though I am still very sad that our 15 year relationship and marriage is over, I realize it is for the best...but the pain will not go away.
    Throughout our relationship, my partner always had a deep anger inside of him that often came out....you see his father was an alcoholic and gambler and there was abuse in his childhood. Though he never recognized it, this unconscious anger of his often came out and affect his actions and judgments. I accepted it and just tried to be supportive and patient with it until he was ready to recognize and deal with it. However, early on in our relationship, I had to give up my dream of adopting kids as I realized his anger was too volatile to create a safe and stable home.

    About 2 years ago, my partner feel into a depression. Unfortunately his solution was to simply get some pills and deal with it that way. His depression "stabilized" due to the anti-depressants but did not improve. Then a year ago this past August, his father died...and his anger suddenly became much more volatile and erratic. My life began to feel like I was living in a minefield...never knowing when I would say or do something that would trigger a massive explosion of rage. We continued to struggle through until last February when a made a comment that caused an explosion that led to him attempting suicide in front of me...while at the same time blaming me for the reason why he was trying to kill himself. After popping many pills, he left our home while I was calling 911 to get him help. I then had about 3 hours not knowing whether he was alive or dead while the police looked for him. Those 3 hours were so awful and horrible....thinking of him dying and me having to live with his last words to me that it was may fault....well this fundamentally "broke" something inside of me. The police finally found him and got him to the hospital. He lived....but I could no longer live with our relationship....at least at that point. I left once he got out of the hospital and was at his mothers...I needed space to think and figure things out. When I returned a week later, I found he had changed the locks on our house, packed my things and moved them to a friends garage.

    That is the story. Since then I have done my best to stay positive, to see the lessons and not dwell in the pain and negatives. I still love him dearly and always will. I even hope for a possibility of a future together...but so much healing and growth would be needed by both of us for this to ever happen.

    Despite everything, despite his depression, the way the anti-depressents changed him, despite his anger and his ptsd, despite his not having sex with me and not being willing to show me any intimacy, despite his still doing things with other guys behind my back, despite my dreams of children being lost and despite his not appreciating what I was accomplishing for us, despite everything...I was still happy being his partner. I accepted him and his faults and simply tried to make the best of things for both of us. Despite everything I still tried so hard to make him happy. I tried to support him however I could in him achieving his dreams. I always tried to make him healthier. I tried to make him smile.

    Despite everything I did to be his best friend, lover and partner...he chose in his moment of suicide to hurt me by blaming me. Despite everything I did over our 15 years together, he tried to abandon me permenantly while blaming me as the cause. He destroyed everything when he chose suicide over continuing to live with me. And he blamed me...it still hurts more than anything in my life...that he wanted to hurt me and blame me as he tried to abandon this life and me. What an awful burden he has permenantly scared my heart with. Yes the actions i took following his actions hurt him...but i was at least man enough to apologize for my actions. Even though he first destroyed my heart, i still accepted that my actions hurt him and apologized. But there is no apology to help repair my broken heart...i guess in his view either i am not worth it or he truly thinks that i am the only one at fault.

    On days like this when I am the one contemplating suicide, I wonder if he would even care...and if he would feel at fault...even though I am not blaming him. I would never place a burden like that on anyone...let alone the one I thought was my lifelong best friend.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry he did that too you and honestly you did the best thing for YOU hun he would not change does not want to work on himself and his anger would eventually harm you physically It sounds like you were doing all the giving and he was just receiving you deserve better then that hun hugs
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