it hurts so much

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by swimmergirl, Nov 12, 2009.

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  1. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I feel like i am literally going to break into a million pieces, and then the next minute I just want to disappear, drift off to sleep, nothing, absolutely nothing matters, everything goes dark. I feel so lost, so alone, and so desperate.

    I just cant deal with this anymore. even thinking about another day of this feels like torture. i keep posting here thinking it will help to talk about it, but its not, it just makes me realize how alone i am with this and how hopeless it is.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    So sorry you are feeling so there anything you can do for/give yourself to ease the pain? Have you sought help with these issues? Sending big hugs, J
  3. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Please hold on, it takes time for things to "let out". Go on talking. I've been here for months and it helps now. What's cool here, noboddy judges you on what you are. :IrishDoll:
  4. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    im sorry you feel so bad. can you think of anything that would help make things a bit more positive for you at the moment? here to talk if you need :hug:
  5. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    i would feel better if i wasnt here anymore, i just dont care about nanyoe or anything
  6. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    i just want someone to love me and hold me, and i have no one.
  7. jeff2674

    jeff2674 Member

    swimmergirl, i don't know your past or the things you have been through so maybe you can enlighten me by telling me about it?

    Although you might not have a 'bf' or 'husband' that doesn't mean you have to be alone. Besides to put your happiness based on a relationship, that never works. Since at some point in time every relationship goes into turmoil. And if you put your own self-worth into a relationship or another person then you are setting yourself up for failure.

    You wouldn't want your bf to base his happiness on you, so what you need to do is find out why this is happening and set short term goals in achieving how to beat this.

    How is your relationship with your parents? Have you talked to a counselor? Trust me on this, your situation is temporary, you can fix this with a positive outcome. Suicide is a permant end to this all, and there is no guarantee your soul would be at rest. It's not worth the risk to kill yourself over this, you have to want to feel better about you and your life..
  8. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    i dont have to have a boyfriend, and i was married so i know i dont need a man to be happy.

    but i think a person, or i know I need to feel some sort of love in my life, and I dont, there is just absolutely no love, and i need that to live, we all need that in some capacity. I cant remember the last time someone hugged me, held my hand, touched me in a kind way. I dont feel connected to this world, and it hurts so badly, the yearning for human connection is killing me.
  9. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    One day I told my therapist I was horribly lonely. Without looking up he asked how long it's been since I've been to a meeting. I immediately said "oops." In my case he was referring to AA.

    The are many kinds of support group meetings. Even groups for depression. Find one and check it out. Go to at least 6 meetings before deciding if it is right for you.

    The best things about these meetings are the hugs. That is where I learned to hug.

  10. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    Your problem swimmergirl is that you're waiting for people to reach out to you, when you should be reaching out to people. Don't ever wait for someone or something to come knocking on your door, because it's very likely it won't happen. You have to go out and be part of society, and initiate friendships and contacts and the like. Nobody is going to come to you when you just sit there feeling lonely. You have to socialize, and be attractive (and I'm not talking physical).

    On the subject of suicide, think about what you're considering, by all viewpoints. You WILL devestate your family, and make their lives hundreds of times worse. You WILL have no way of turning back, and you WILL eliminate any chance of improving your life, obtaining happiness, and a life better than you can ever dream of. Nobody can know the future, but one fact about the future is that it improves. Your life is like a book. You are note even half way through, and most of it has been great, but you've hit a rough spot. You only started to want to stop reading at this point, but you know that the book wont continue being bad, it is only a brief point. Don't put down the book unfinished. The only problem with this analogy is that your life is infinitely more important than a book. It is your entire universe. We live in a tough world, no doubt about it, but it is also beautiful and satisfying and surprising.

    Know that you are not in a healthy state of mind if you are suicidal, and if you are seriously considering it then you need to get help, without delay. Your life is too precious to go to waste, as well as the reputation of you and your family. You don't want your parents to have to explain to everyone that their daughter committed suicide, it is a downright shameful act. I'm not trying to be harsh to you, I'm trying to tell you the truth as it is, and make you aware that death is not a fairytale. It is a tragedy.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 12, 2009
  11. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    your analogy is not quite right:
    "one fact about the future is that it improves. Your life is like a book. You are note even half way through, and most of it has been great, ..."

    The future happens, it does not necessarily improve.

    Most of my life thus far has been shit. My father raped me for 8 years of my young life, 2 of my friends killed themselves in high school, i lost my job, and I will probably lose my house soon, my friends are sick of me feeling so sad, and when I do go out into the world, the world wants nothing to do with me, the world tells me I am worthless, i dont matter, it will not matter if i am dead, no one will notice, my family, ha, my family will be relieved.

    I should go to the hospital, but it wont help. I am going to go somewhere were no one can find me and just get it over with tonight. I dont belong here, i am a mistake.
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    in the hospital you will have people who care and are kind. People care here we don't think your useless You are compassionate caring sensitive person you care for others here which proves you are useful. Please call hospital you deserve to be cared for you deserve to be happy please do this for you:love:
  13. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    i am just too scared to call, why am i so scared to ask for help??? even though i know i need it, instead i just sit here suffering and planning out my death, it is so ridiculous, but i feel so helpless
  14. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    You already did!
    Is there anything or anyone on this planet that/who would make you happy?
    I know what I want but I am not getting it for sure. it's like 99% sure.

    You do not have to answer 'cause I am not going anywhere particular with this question.
  15. lapazyelamor

    lapazyelamor Well-Known Member

    hi swimmergirl i read a lot of your posts and you know i feel exactly the same only that i think i am too numb to be able to reach out or write it down, i read a story like yours and think to myself i wish i could be a part of her life because she understands me , im at the same point just teetering on the edge in a lonely disconnected life , life is a bitch and it is a cruel world no doubt

    if you want to add me im or

    i hope you do
  16. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    thanks, i am glad you can find some comfort in my words even if we are both in a lot of pain and feeling very lonely. There is something to be said about feeling heard by another.

    I met with my shrink today and did not tell him, we talked about a lot of hard stuff, which in theory is supposed to help me feel better, but in the short term it just makes it harder to cope. I so wanted to just beg him to help me, to keep me safe, to do something, but i didnt, and now i fear for my life, i fear what i might do to myself because i feel so sad.

    I try to be logical about it, right, if i had any other disease or symptoms with so much pain, i would go get help, get treatment, do what i needed to do to get welll, but with mental illness i feel responsible for causing it, i feel shame, i feel like i should be able to fix it myself, but i cant, and every day it just gets worse and i get closer to death.
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