I guess to feel pain is to know that you are alive but then I wonder if it matters anymore. When one bad thing happens after another, its really hard not to think about damnation and how doomed this life is. And to get angry and losing control of my emotions means to be vulnerable to screw ups and tragedies and maybe more accidents. I feel so tired right now, but I know it ain't a good idea to go to bed right now, because I have to believe tomorrow will not come, so I can at least deceive myself for a moment or two that I don't have to face anything, and everything will be fine baby blue! Why is it so much easier to find happiness in lies? I mean, to romanticize on the simple happiness of life seems to be the only contentment and knowing its all fake but then what choice does one really have? I guess I have nothing and so I got nothing to lose then. This quote from Max Payne lingers in my head all the time, all I am seeing my fate as I think about this quote; the problem with wanting something is the fear of losing it or not getting it at all. That thoughts makes me weak. Yeah, it sure hurts to want so much and knowing you probably won't get it all, not maybe not even a little and that don't weaken me, it crumbles my fragile world. Being a human, I guess I develop a narcotic dependency on illusions. No way I can go though a day without a little bit of illusion. Does it help? I guess so. But it always hurt deeply to know suffering is inevitable and heartache unavoidable long as we still have the least desire to live. Yeah, make it simple; holding on to life is like refusing to fall from the edge of reality into an eternal pit of oblivion. It ain't even simple I guess. But come to think about it, does it matter?