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It hurts.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Surenidy, Feb 21, 2015.

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  1. Surenidy

    Surenidy Member

    I'm a 33 yr old woman with nothing but darkness left inside me.
    I have a son and I've thought about how ending my life will effect him, but I no longer care.
    Him seeing mommy cry everyday, him seeing me unable to live a full life because of the countless afflictions I carry within myself won't help him.
    I've chosen the path of suicide to make it all go away.
    I don't have any family. My mom was a horrible parent who thought always of herself first. I grew up in child services jumped from home to home cause of my anger. I never knew my dad until I was 25 and I was only one drunken night where he expected me to say I love you and call him dad.
    I've had clinical depression since I can remember feeling. Yes I was diagnosed at a young age, 13 I think.
    The only dad I knew was my step dad and that was the greatest two years of my life. I was 10 when my mom let me move home from a foster home I was living in. My step dad wanted a family and that meant with "Me" included. No more wishing I had parents who would just take me home with them and love me. It's sad when you're a 6 yr old and your mom doesn't call child devices to take away, yet she drives you downtown herself. I always knew when I was going bye bye. I can still remember the smell of the room where they put me while they processed my papers to ship me.
    Anyways so I finally felt my life would be how it should have always been. A mom who still, when I looked in her eyes wanted her freedom from the child she gave birth too.
    My step dad became my hero! When my mom wanted to lose it on me cause of her resentment towards me, my step dad wouldn't allow it.
    On November 25 1992 I came home from school, there were more than a few cars parked outside my house. My moms best friends oldest daughter came out and said you're coming home with me. Of course curious I was like what's going on..?
    The night ended me wondering.
    The next day I went home. My grand parents were there people from far places I hadn't seen in a while. I knew something was wrong.
    I went to run downstairs but I was pulled back up and taken to the living room where my grandmother proceeded to tell my step dad was dead. "You know when you drop a watermelon, and it explodes"? Yes I replied. "Well that's what johns head looked like". My step dad blew his brains out in our basement.
    I felt nothing... 11 yrs old now and the best thing that could have ever happened to me gone. My salvation gone. My hero no longer that just a blood smear on the walls.
    Shit got bad after that. My mom started drinking a lot. She got into crack cocaine. I jumped from group home to group home. Friends houses and back to my moms.. Always wanting to go back to my mom no matter the treatment. My mom tried to kill herself a few times and I always knew when. I was in school she would come to the office and leave a large amount of money for me, as if that were to cover the scars inside me.
    I ended up dating a guy for 9 years a jailbird I did some crimes here and there.
    I went back to my moms one last time I was 15 yr old. She was heavy into crack by this time. Even my crackhead aunt moved in the building we were in.
    I started stealing crack from my mom and smoking it at 15.
    Once my bf got out of jail I had confessed. She didn't even blink an eye at the fact her 15 yr old daughter was now addicted. We would all sit and smoke for hours, I remember one time being up for a week. I got so scared I couldn't sleep, I thought I would die.
    My mom used to cook drugs for her dealers. She had this one dealer who ended up moving in with his prostitute girlfriend. I have no real self esteem at this point. These are my new role models.
    My mom and her deal think it would be a good idea for me to go watch Stacy (hooker) while she works to make sure she's safe. Well you can all imagine how that turned out. Yah I pulled my first trick when I was 15.
    The crack addiction didn't last for me. I won't up one morning and seen my mom on her hands and knees in the carpet looking for dope that clearly wasn't there.
    I packed my stuff and moved to a shelter for kids.
    I did the shelter thing until I was 20. Still hooking off and on to buy clothes and food and sometimes if I had no where, a hotel room.
    Close to 21 I moved into a place where working girls go to get help.
    Great supports and some of the women altered my life forever in a good way.
    I didn't mention days before my 18th birthday I started having anxiety.. So bad I was hospitalized over 125 times. Emerg knew me by first name and I became agoraphobic for 1 whole year. I dealt with anxiety for 5 years.
    So living in this place for working girls I met one lady she was amazing., she listened she cared and when I cried she did too.
    I fell in love with her and not in a sexual nature. She was like a second mom.
    When I got kicked out of the place because they thought I was being lazy., meanwhile my anxiety was so bad I was scared to do anything.
    I had no where to go so I went to the women's shelter I started selling weed cause I didn't wanna sell myself anymore. I got caught selling and they kicked me out. No where to go not even home, the lady I loved invited me into her home with her kids, husband and all there possessions. Oh god I was soooo happy. I never wronged her. I lived with them nearly 2 years until I met my sons dad..
    Meeting my sons dad felt nice he was normal and has this huge family. Something I still envy to this day..
    He and I were together 5 years. I had bats with depression then so bad about a year after my son was born I remember sitting in my bedroom holding my son with one hand and a knife in the other wanting to end my life.
    Stay at home mom didn't help me at all. I tried to work and go to school but everything feels so much, so overwhelming.
    I became very enthralled with the computer. One day my sons dad found this game World of Warcraft. He said I think you will like it.
    Needless to say it became my escape from reality and I loved every minute of it.
    I began talking to new people and I could be anything I wanted, but I always stayed true to who I was and where I came from. These people on WoW understood me, they didn't judge me. I found my place in the world..
    I became distant from my sons dad, I resented him for not trying to understand me and my pain.
    The end of 2009 I met someone on the game, someone who's soul was as dark as mine. We ignited each other in a way I've only felt once before, with my step dad.
    I fell in love even before I knew what this person looked like and vice versa. We talked for hours about everything I told him things I never thought I could say out loud without a fear of being put in a looney bin.
    We lived 3000 miles from each other but we didn't care.
    My sons dad found out about him and well it didn't end pretty. Needless to say his dad still to this day makes my life hell.
    Me and this guy dated long distance for 2 years. In this time we met three times.. But because of all the damage I've endured from people who were supposed to love me I pushed this poor guy so hard to prove to me over and over.. Until he stopped texting, calling and he became this shadow. Almost like I had made him up in my own head.
    2 years passed of complete heartache, guilt and hoping he would forgive me. This feeling of knowing he still thinks of me everyday was strong so strong that sometimes I felt as though my soul was trying to pull itself out of my body gravitating towards the direction he was in.
    Then it happened he started texting me and calling.. It happened more and more.. Then it stopped.
    I had been trying to move on I started working full time out in oil camps to keep me busy still holding all hope.
    On August 10 2012 I came home from work. Like always my mom picked me up and then we went to get my son from his dads. A regular weekend home. I went out that night with friends and my mom had taken her favourite lil man, my son for the night and the next day. She returned him on the 11th after a trip to the zoo. This would be the last time me or my son see my mom alive. August 12 2012 I'm vacuuming and my phone starts to ring. My son answers the phone and says I don't understand and hangs up. The phone rings again he says it's auntie Lena I can't understand her.
    He hands me the phone and my aunt in her raspy voice says it's your mom she's having an asthma attack and the rest I couldn't make out. I scream at her saying why're you calling me call 911. I'm frantic at this point she's telling me to get there. I'm half naked and don't care I run outside to a neighbours and I say I bed you to drive to my moms now! They get up and quickly rush out to the car. My. Cell phone rings it's my aunt again she's like Kelly the paramedics are here and they need to talk to you..
    A mans voice calmly says is this Kelly? I said yes now what's going on? He says I'm sorry but your mom didn't make it. I dropped to my knees and just broke. I screamed and I demanded they stay there until I get there. He said yes we will do that.
    My moms house is only 10 minute drive away. I get there and there's ambulance, police and a meat wagon.
    I rush inside and in walk into my moms apartment. I said where is she? My aunt points at the bathroom.
    I walk in slowly, the first thing I see is my moms feet, then her legs, and then her draped over the tub. She had been dead for hours at least 12.
    What do I feel? How do I react? I'm so calm it's scary.. The first person I call is the love of my life and he answers. He's quiet and it's really making me wonder if any of this is real.. Is this real?
    The ambulance worked are asking me questions and it's okay they're not being pushy or rude.
    I hear whispering and I can hear crying and it's not my own. Not until they put my mom in the body bag. They're about to wheel her out and I said STOP!
    They leave her there with me for the time I need. Her mouth is wide open stuck in a crocked position from resting on the side of the tub. This doesn't bother me. I place my hand on her chest to see if there's a heart beat. Nothing, cold dead skin. The heat from me makes her skin warm again.. I looked up and I said she's warm.. She's warm.. Silence is all you hear and the sound of a thousand tears hitting the body bag.
    A mans voice says we have to take her now.. I begged and pleaded for them to leave the body bag open because she's so claustrophobic. They did as I asked..
    That was the last time I seen the person who destroyed me and it hurt as if they have loved me their whole life. I loved her my whole life no matter what she did.

    I don't want to write anymore. My thoughts and feelings are so deep. There's to much.

    We all carry these things inside that no one else can see. They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea.
  2. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    is this something you wrote long ago. the hard part is worrying about you now in the first words.

    I think you're telling me you loved your mother no matter what.... that's good and bad

    we all have something we do that has meaning for us helps us hang on.... I send my love to you in hopes you have more to this all more .... more... more

    the one thing is to live for yourself at the moment and stay safe.... because things can change and you can feel different about yourself .... you can

    I know I have been told that parents can live on for their children... I am not sure if that's true for you but your son is still important anyhow
  3. Surenidy

    Surenidy Member

    I wrote this just now.. I've used up all my hope and faith that I will get better.
    As for my son I would rather rip the bandaid off quickly then allow him to watch me suffer any longer.
  4. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    I wish that it hadn't come out all at once for you like a list of life in some sort of order.... as if the drugs are not ways to take away memories they are just an included part of memories

    you are no responsible for knowing how your son feels and thinks.... we can't know what others think

    but that bandaid in your medifor might keep you going ... there is that not wanting to rip away denying another your presense

    really there is that that as important you are and your thoughts on him

    means a lot about your importance even to yourself to make your own way then start touching lives outside of you again... such as his life

    he is not you he has not your memories.... as it is you have ways to bring this around that he doesn't

    I am wishing you see life right now as a bandaid for yourself if that's the imagery you wish to protect your scars from harm... and move you forward in these minutes and hours ahead

    I am not good with medifors but I know what they are and use them at times and feel let down by them as not being equal to everything I feel
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2015
  5. Surenidy

    Surenidy Member

    It's nice you're replying and care I appreciate that in a great way. But my depression gets worse and worse Every time it lasts longer and longer. I always hear this voice telling me I'm not good enough, I'm a waste of skin.. It's no longer my moms voice but now my own. I've done nothing in my life that I would remotely be proud of. I continue her legacy at making me feel as bad as possible.
  6. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    there are things in your story that are always starts for you

    you start things and take chances always you're an optimist... moving forward... without knowing the future you at time take breaks and learn different things and different worlds

    going forward always isn't a bad thing and it shows your entire strength lends itself to this taking things as forward

    I can't deny you the one chance today to carry things forward because you are depressed today... nothing in life protects from the lows and highs because you're depressed

    but life can have depressing moments that is about situations and not depression. you felt down at times and people would inspire you and you would live with them and be thankful for a while

    there are still chances that you will make a difference in people's lives as you have and the loyalties you talk of are not just talk but a way to be loyal to yourself

    yourself is depressed and its labeling in but it doesn't represent what you are dealing with in life of how you feel about it.

    tomorrow you might feel different and no one will know about it

    if you hang on you will and it will be a part of you and you will know yes you are depressed and yes depressing things can happen and that you know these depressing things change as you have seen that in your life

    depression is one thing

    life can have depressing moments you can get through even today
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