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It hurts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ThePhantomLady, Apr 3, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    My back hurts... my chest hurts... my feelings hurts.

    I'm just miserable right now. It almost 2 am and I've been trying to sleep for the last 2 hours... I kept finding small problems that kept me awake and tried to solve them...

    And now I'm sobbing. I know I am trying to sleep so I can get up early and chat with my LDR boyfriend... but yeah. My life just seems so... hollow? I can't work as things are right now... I can't concentrate enough to work on my writing... I'm haunted by so many memories of so much abuse... and my body hurts. The pain relief I take are not nearly enough to help me...

    Blegh. I just needed to whine I guess. In the morning when my boyfriend asks how I am ill probably just say 'fine'... I know he cares and he wants to be there... but he doesn't need me to be down.

    Thursday he's getting a second scan of his brain since one they did recently was inconclusive and we're both pretty worried... he's brain damaged after an accident he had as a teen...

    Sorry. But FML.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Stay strong. It's ok to whinge as it releases the emotions your are feeling. Be strong but it's ok to fall sometimes. Take care and keep up the good work. :)
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    *hugs* I'm so sorry you are going through this hun. Life can be really cruel at times. I can understand the anety being distressing for you, do you have anything to take that would help? I hope today is a better day for you hun and best of luck with your LDR boyfriend's brain scan.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  4. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel like this. I hope that you eventually ended up falling asleep. I know what you mean when you say you are haunted by the years of abuse. At least now you are doing the DBT therapy and that should help you better cope, from what you told me DBT does. I wish the best for you LDR boyfriend and his brain scan. *hugs* your feelings are valid and you aren't alone in feeling like that. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  5. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Just so you know if i had a magic fairy wand to go with my wings. I would make you pain disappear for you!!

    I am sorry you are struggling so much but you are so much braver and stronger than you give yourself credit for!!! I'd like it if you could see yaself through my eyes *hugs*
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  6. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    Pain (physical and mental) really seems to be worst at night.
    I don't know if this is because one's baseline mood declines at that time or because of the more general conflict of seeing the possibility to do something good for yourself, ie. getting rest by sleeping, while feeling incapable thereof (or even not doing it deliberately as some kind of punishment). Personally I guess it's a mix of these two for me, but maybe there are also other things that can make nights so specially painful. For example it's also that during the day there is always some noise or music but at night we are usually alone with our thoughts...

    I really hope your boyfriend's brain scans turn out well.
    Personally surgeries are one of my greatest fears (well actually all medical things scare me). Now my mother is going to have a (benign) parotid tumour removed and it has already brought me so many sleepless nights even though there isn't even a scheduled date for it yet. But just the knowledge about all the things that could possible go wrong is really driving me crazy.

    Writing is a cool hobby I try to cultivate myself, but I really think it's something that's hard to do when you lack energy. I wish I had the drive to write every day but it's really not something I can pull off these days. Also even with plenty energy it's still possible to experience a "writer's block".

    I can see how bad memories can make the present even more ugly than it already seems to be.
    But someone else will definitely see the world in a different color with their eyes right now. I don't think you should feel guilty for your feelings at all. Just never forget that in the end things don't have to necessarily be as bad as one thinks they are. And at some point you might just as well become that other person.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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