It hurts

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SilverShadowM, Nov 6, 2009.

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  1. SilverShadowM

    SilverShadowM Member

    I am calmly trying to talk myself through all the solutions. But none of them sound like anything I could live with. I just want to start over. Drive away somewhere where I don't know anyone. But even that won't work. I would constantly be thinking about what I left behind.

    I just need to stop thinking and wanting and feeling. I don't see any way that things can "get better" without getting worse. I just want to press the reset button on this life. Bad game, better luck next time. If there is no next time, even better. I can't do what I want/need to with this life so why do anything else?

    I'm just trying to write this out and maybe distract myself for a few minutes. Maybe the need will pass. Maybe I can just get up form here and go about the rest of my useless day as if nothing had happened. If I can't, if I can't do that, well I guess that's that then.

    Everywhere I turn there are only untenable decisions, insurmountable obstacles, and hopeless traps. If not the frying pan, then the fire. I don't want to make these decisions any more. I don't want any more love, love just keeps me from doing the things I really dream about. I don't want any more skills, talents, hopes, they just make one more thing that I am expected to do.

    Every good thing that happens to me feels like a curse--it just comes with new traps and new expectations. All I ever wanted was to be left alone, but that is never going to happen. Even if I just walked off into the woods I would constantly have the memory of what I left behind. This needs to stop.

    Driving home from work today I just started saying out loud "Oh God I'm going to kill myself today. There's no way out". I was talking but it felt like someone else. I couldn't make it stop. There is no one I can talk to about this. the moment I do it will just be even more ruination. They will take me seriously and I will lose everything or they won't and I will lose everything.

    Just trying to keep typing at least. I don't know what I can do. If I call a crisis line everything is over. I wish someone would just take all these decisions away. I am so tired. I am so tired. I am so sorry.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No if you call a crisis line it is not over Crisis line a person will talk to you and help you through these feelings of hopelessness. They will only call ambulance if you say you are going to harm yourself or others. The can and will talk to you and make you feel calmer. I call them now twice and it was not over for me they help me see clearer and feel more stable. Call crisis and just talk to someone okay
     
  3. SilverShadowM

    SilverShadowM Member

    But I work at the same center as our state's crisis line. They won't route me out of state. Most of the volunteers would recognize my voice after only a moment. I would probably eventually lose my job.
     
  4. DS

    DS Account Closed

    i really feel compelled to reach out to you, but I'm so emotionally drained right now, i have little offer, and do not trust my own judgment even responding to you...hopefully the moderators will delete my response if it is a problem.

    I can relate...just know someone out there can relate and is still plugging along...I was in this position many years ago. I actually opted to semi walk away although I'm unsure exactly what all you would be walking away from.

    sometimes we just need a break. or even a release... I need one but can't have it.

    sometimes we need to take the break before talking through the solutions...usually the problems will stick around and will wait for us...but we are people and sometimes we just need some release, a break (or a break-down), or let down time, prior to addressing issues. ...and there is almost always a way...but when wiped out it's generally difficult to see the way...I know this from experience...I say this as I'm on my own downward spiral.

    If I find a cave/shelter, I will share it with you and promise not to disturb you.

    I hope you feel better soon...i hope we both feel better soon
     
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