I am calmly trying to talk myself through all the solutions. But none of them sound like anything I could live with. I just want to start over. Drive away somewhere where I don't know anyone. But even that won't work. I would constantly be thinking about what I left behind. I just need to stop thinking and wanting and feeling. I don't see any way that things can "get better" without getting worse. I just want to press the reset button on this life. Bad game, better luck next time. If there is no next time, even better. I can't do what I want/need to with this life so why do anything else? I'm just trying to write this out and maybe distract myself for a few minutes. Maybe the need will pass. Maybe I can just get up form here and go about the rest of my useless day as if nothing had happened. If I can't, if I can't do that, well I guess that's that then. Everywhere I turn there are only untenable decisions, insurmountable obstacles, and hopeless traps. If not the frying pan, then the fire. I don't want to make these decisions any more. I don't want any more love, love just keeps me from doing the things I really dream about. I don't want any more skills, talents, hopes, they just make one more thing that I am expected to do. Every good thing that happens to me feels like a curse--it just comes with new traps and new expectations. All I ever wanted was to be left alone, but that is never going to happen. Even if I just walked off into the woods I would constantly have the memory of what I left behind. This needs to stop. Driving home from work today I just started saying out loud "Oh God I'm going to kill myself today. There's no way out". I was talking but it felt like someone else. I couldn't make it stop. There is no one I can talk to about this. the moment I do it will just be even more ruination. They will take me seriously and I will lose everything or they won't and I will lose everything. Just trying to keep typing at least. I don't know what I can do. If I call a crisis line everything is over. I wish someone would just take all these decisions away. I am so tired. I am so tired. I am so sorry.