It has just occurred to me how much of a strain it is when you have to hide most if not all of your life from most of the outside world.It has only just occurred to me.But i think that i have been under this strain for a very long time.
Hey, kath! I know what you mean. I find it difficult to pretend that everything's okay in front of others in the 'outside world'. When someone asks, "How are you today?" I go, "I'm ok! :laugh:". Yeah, right. I'd tell them my problems and ask for help, but I don't want them to worry about me.
Thankyou for that Winter.i am glad that you can relate.Lostcat you are right there is a lot in life that needs to be kept private and is safer that way.i definitely agree there.
i guess what im trying to say is its become such a big thing for me.Its a bit like you know when people are suicidal somtimes they tell hardly anyone or nobody.Well a few people know with me so its not totally that.But it is that cos im taking large quantities of medication to harm myself on a dily basis to try adn harm and eventually kill myself and my life revolves around this it ikind of makes things really difficult.You see my time involvs buying the tablets [which invvolves a lot of travel at times cos of quantities],taking them and then dealing with the effects of them.Without exagerration that is pretty much most of my life.Now obviously i dont and wouldnt want everyone in the outside world to know.There are few who know my sitatuion and out of those who do few have any idea of the extent and no one currently as this moment has a total idea of hte extent and that is how it is sometimes.Rerely do peole in my life know and those who do i rarely give any idea of hte extent.
i dont want that to change.It isnt that i want them to know necessarily and in most cases definitely not.
But it is that i have been leading this life to an ever increasing degree over the past three years and it wasnt till earlier today i sat and was thinking and for some reason i realised how much of a burden and a worry it can be for me trying to keep so much ot myself and carry it and many many times when im asked not being able to be honest or have anything really to say about what ive done that day that it would be aappropriate to share.
i have only just realised this,i think this and my life had become normal to me.........not in many ways a good normal just normal.Very distressing at times.Not normal.Normal was the worng word for me to use.Just almost robotic,autopilot.i just did it without thought needed.i never knew twhat to say but i knew i have to say something.It can make me tense not knowing when you feel you might get caught out.i just knoew automatically i had to do it.No thought in that bit.Just a little in what to say occasionallly and the fear.i dont know if this sums it up......i dont know sorry.
It would just always be obvious and subconcsious to me i guess on the many occasions i was asked what i had done that day [and when it didnt feel appropriate for me to say or not say the extent in some cases] to just try desperately and get something out automatically roboticly knowing without consideration that i could not tell the truth..........