It is done...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ket93, Mar 15, 2009.

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  1. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    Well my plans are not done yet, but I have it planned out. It seems as though me and my BF are over for good. I was going each day hanging on to whatever little hope there was there for us. Maybe a fool's hope, but still hope.
    I will not go into details of recent happenings because that is not really important and it just hurts to talk about it or think about it. Which I do constantly already.
    I sent him a simple text message yesterday simply saying it is a beautiful day out hope you enjoy your weekend. No reply back whatsoever. That literally kills me to think he must not even think enough of me to send a simple reply back ... Maybe he was afraid of me trying to talk to him I dont know? I know all along he has wanted his space and it has been so hard for me to give him that because I feel as more time goes, I am losing him more everyday. But I feel it is over now.
    I am working on my goodbye letter to him over the next week, I dont think I could ever say everything I want or have the same meaning in it as if I were face to face with him, but Im going to send it to him after two more weeks ... If I do not hear anything I am going to try and call him and hopefully get my final answer once and for all as he has sent me mixed signals.
    Then the last weekend of this month I plan on going somewhere away from home, so no one has to find me, and taking all the pills I have. Which is quite a bit since they have me take 5 pills a day now. Which is not helping...
    I love him so much and cannot seem to make him see that or get him to give me another chance. I believe he is happier without me and I dont blame him. I had a lot of issues that I wish I would have got help for a long time ago. Just never thought it would come to this. Never.
    Here is a part of a email he sent me about a week ago...


    I have done alot of thinking and still have no answer to what I want to do, I have asked you over and over to just let me be and you would not do that. The thing is each time you would start on me you just kept pushing me away more and more. As for my Facebook status, as that must be what you are talking about, That is what I am, you use to get mad and change yours and well we are not together now and I just decided to change that, it does not mean I am trying to date or anything. I am at a point where I dont want to date I dont want anything, you put me through so much to be honest I am pretty screwed up emotionally right now. If you would have just listened to me months ago when I begged and pleaded with you to stop doing the things you were doing and to get some help, I believe this would have never happened. I miss you that I know, but the problem is that even though we are not together you still find away to go off about something , I mean damn I never would have thought that I wouldnt ever not pick up a call from you . But now you have got me to the point where I wont as I know it will be just more drama, and you getting me upset. I just cant deal with that anymore, I been trying to get past things like that and you were still doing it to me for gods sakes, how do you think I would ever get past it if you were still doing it? So that has brought me to the conclusion you will not be able to change, and that really hurts, cause that means I am going to just have to let you go, as I can not deal with those things anymore.
    All the things you wrote about being so good with us, well they were great I loved you like I never have and probably never will love anyone before. I miss all the things we did, I have been remembering the things we did, like the time we rode the raptor around by your house that was one of my favorite memories of us. I wish we could go back to that day. I really miss that feeling and connection we had.
    I will always love you, you are and always will be the love of my life. You were perfect for me, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever or could have ever hoped to be with, I loved just laying with you and holding you, I miss that so much.

    Well thats all I can say at this point.


    Then right after I got that letter from him I called him and he basically told me if I left him alone there was still a small chance for us. But how do you leave someone alone you love so much and why?? If two people really love each other dont they try to work it out.

    He told me Friday that we were still friends and he would still talk to me. I had got upset because he made private all our photos on myspace. I know a stupid thing, but very hurtful to me, since that is how we met. Funny how he deleted me from his facebook because he said I was bugging him, when I only IMd him a few time and left a few cmts. But he changed his status as single. However I am still on his myspace and he has not changed his status on there. When I asked him why he said he did just not want to. The whole thing has been very confusing to me...

    I was so upset Tues, when he deleted me off Facebook, I drove an hour to his house. He was not answering my calls or texts but I could not take it anymore, I had to know something. I really still feel like I never got a straight answer, although he did say things like he could not go back to that kind of relationship and thought that things would not change and he told me I would get over him. Which makes me feel like he already has me and wants me to get over him. Which I have told him I just cant.
    I love him too deeply and the pain is too deep.

    That is why I cannot go on. I know there are reasons why I should try to go on but I simply cannot bear the pain of being without him. Call it selfish, pathetic, weak, whatever. It is how I feel and I am tired of feeling this way and cant do it anymore. I feel like I have lost my soul. I do not even feel human anymore. All I want to do is cry...

    So I have decided to go through with this at the end of the month, I figure that will give me my answer for sure. It will either give him the time he needs or he will tell me he is done for good.... And with that answer I will no longer be able to go on...

    I want to thank people on here who have listened to me and cared. I know you have only tried to help. The only one thing that would help me now is to have him back and I know that will not happen......
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 15, 2009
  2. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    That's sad. Hang in there :hug:
  3. endlessskies58

    endlessskies58 Well-Known Member

    hello love.

    the text you left him probably wasn't him ignoring you. i think it was just something not to respond to. i know that i don't respond to all of my texts and i wouldn't have responded to that.

    the best i can say is to give him his space. i messed up with my ex by not giving him just that. if you don't talk to him too, he has mind to think that you've 'changed'.

    with my ex, finally a year after, we've stopped talking and i feel a lot better after a month of no contact or myspace or w/e. no matter what, it will benefit you both in the end if you let him have his space.

    the heart always grows fonder with distance as one would say also. giving him his space might make him come back...

    but don't wait for him either. if he wants to do this and be single then he should know that you are also off the hook. don't let him have his cake and eat it too. have your fun and be the one in control of the situation.

    do not be the one to give him control. he has NO control over you.

    and to have your fun and show that you don't need him will definitely show that you've changed and for the better if you know what i mean. if you seem dependent and weak then he will probably end up farther from you.

    and the best advice i ever got was this... just look at him in a negative way... just for now... HATE HIM. hating him and not talking to him is the best thing you can do right now.

    he was not perfect in the relationship either and did things wrong too. you did not make all the problems in the relationship. i'm sure you know that so look at him in a bad light and it will help a lot... and once you're over him you can go back to just remembering him as a fond memory.

    i know its hard especially for us girls... love is an addiction to a person... literally. biology can prove it and i can send you an article on it if you like... you are literally having withdrawals right now which is why you want to keep talking to him. it is also why when someone breaks up with another your brain turns everything into reminders of that person or memories... your brain is trying to prevent the withdrawals...

    so just try to look back and see him for who he really is. he is just another guy that you have unfortunately given him the privilege of becoming addicted to. sadly we can fall in love with anyone even if they are bad for us and love can become so blind... you just have to understand that there are better guys out there to become your personal addiction. you just need time away from him to let the withdrawals subside and to see him as a real person. i know totally how you feel because i just went through this. you'll feel a lot better in no time if you just stay away from him and learn to love yourself and who you are single.

    i'm finally doing that after a year and the pain is gone and now i am enjoying guys fawning all over me because i'm single. its nice to be the center of attention for once when for so long i was trying my best to just please one guy... i get to relax now and just work on me. i hope you will eventually get to enjoy this too once your pain subsides.

    you just need time.

    hopefully we will both find a better guy in the future, ya?

    i know its hard but if you need to talk feel free to pm me!

    i send my love! <33333
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I know it's tough to think you will ever survive this, but you will!! My ex left me and I tried to OD. All that did was put me in the hospital..You of course will go thru the greif stage, next will be anger, after that I don't remember the steps because anger was all I needed to get over her..
    It takes two to start a relationship and it takes two to end one!! So don't blame all this on yourself..You can survive this and move on with your life..You will find the right person, just give it some time...Take Care...
  5. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    i am so sorry that you are feeling this way. i know the words may not feel of any comfort to you but theres a lot of people who have been in your situation. believe me a man is not worth it. hes just a man. you dont want to let a man beat you. to over-rule and control you in such a way that you feel like you want to take your life. i know its unfair that hes making you feel this way but you will come through this. im positive there is a lot more to come in your life if you just hang on in there. take care of yourself by not doing this.. thats the best way to prove that you are better off without him. that you have your life back. if not it will always be that he has taken your life away from you

    thinking of you x
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