More rambling by me... that is all I can ever seem to do is ramble... anyway. I think the major trigger for these feelings was finally getting my DVDs back From Z. It only took her close to two months to send them back. Thank you for the hasty return hun. You know I had almost gotten over you when BAM you remind me of you. That was just the match which set off this bomb. My failures this weekend and my overall lack of progress on moving on with my life were just piling up. The Oh progress I have made is in losing weight... sadly that is it. That is all I have done. I have not overcome my shyness. I have not made ay new friends. In fact I am starting to lose old friends. One friend I met on another forum I think I am just stringing along for sex. Even then I have lost toucch with most of my online communities. I do not know.... I feel the wold just slowly passing me by as I start To roll backwards into suicide. I don't even know if I should keep asking for help... that is all I seem to do... ask for help then not take it. I only seem to annoy people or lurk arouns looking for some poor soul to prey on like I did with Z. I just want to be normal... I want to be able to go out and meet people. I don't know... I want to not be what I am anymore... or I want to be honest. I want to write that I am going to get drunk on Facebook. Or to tell others my feelings. Yet I hide it all. Enough rambling..... I don't know anything anymore. Who I am or what I want... death seems to be the only answer.