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It is Just Too Much

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Jun 21, 2010.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    So much so that I had to take a depression sick day.

    This past weekend I found an incredible vein of inspiration and motivation. It enabled me to be happy and even a little out going for the weekend. However, that all ended Sunday when I attended my anime club. Suddenly anxiety hit, suddenly fear hit. Suddenly I just wanted to go home and curl up in bed.

    Why is it so much to keep myself looking happy like that. To see and visualize who I want to be and to start working for it. Why does it feel so good to slowly make it happen only to have it crash down around me? Literally when I was at my club I could only think, about swerving into oncoming traffic on the drive home. I need to do 20 push ups today but I cannot find the motivation to do that anywhere. I need to hit the gym today. Again no motivation. Because no matter how much I quench my superficial desires I am still me.

    I just want to end it all. It is a weekday, it would be hours before anyone found me. I am avoiding doing it by doing small things to distract me. Posting on forums or figuring out Facebook. However, it is all too depressing right now because I made some quick friend on these forums. And just as quickly as they appeared they disappeared. I was literally talking to people all weekend on forums and now POOF. I want to set up Facebook but I do not know anything bout the damn thing. I want to keep it in place as a net friend communication point. I do not want my family to find it. I don't know, then the suicide hits me. How easy it would be to just hang from my balcony. Then I go lie in bed... :cry: I just want it all to end. Or I want to regain my motivation that was lost. :depressed: why does it have to go away like that?
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Forgotten man. Sorry to hear that your depression is getting worse. I don't consider myself depressed, but sometimes, all I want to do is curl up with a comforter and relax. Maybe I'm in denial. Please don't give up hope that things will improve. Focusing on accomplishing small tasks is a great way to keep busy. Please don't hang yourself from your balcony. Take time for yourself and get some rest and relaxation. :hug:
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Thanks Dave_N, I am just fine.. a little extra sleep and a lot of time on forums really helped me out... well not really. However I am doing all I can to force the depression deep down back into me.
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    You have to release the depression from your self. Send it back where it came from.
  5. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    What does that even mean?
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :sweat: Yeah I am a little confused. I have been releasing my depression for years. It just never seems to stop.
  7. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Facebook mystifies me too. I just can't understand it...

  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Yeah... at the same time I kind of hope it will help me branch out a bit >.> I am scared of old people from high school showing up though... <.<
  9. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I'm in highschool, and I'm a little worried about them too...
  10. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    There's nothing wrong with being you. :hug: You're a good person and worth knowing. You're well worth the time and resources the world provides.

    We all have to learn to accept ourselves - the good and even the not-so-good things. So, from what you said, it seems you had moments where you were able to see and feel some good things. Try to keep in mind that depression doesn't go away overnight. It has an uneven course where we feel OK, but can still slip down the scale a bit before our emotions and thinking run smoothly most of the time. Perhaps you could accept the up times, but recognize that there will still be some down times along the way.

    I think it is hard when we are depressed to see that that is what is happening. We tend not to think of depression the way we think of say, a cold or flu. We don't expect to be 100% when we are "recovering" from those, so why expect that depression is any different? We'll still have "emotional sneezes," if you will. Motivation, slipping into the feeling blue zone are to be expected. So, to aid our recovery from depression, I think we could ease up on our expectations of ourselves. How about breaking down the approach to your goals? For example, instead of 20 push ups at one go, perhaps you could do 5 or 10 at a time, but do push ups twice a day instead just once. Instead of trying to be 100% percent "happy," allow yourself the time to heal from the depression, and understand that the ups and downs are completely normal.

    Like a rodeo cowboy on a bull, we just have to hang on as long as possible and learn how to land when the going gets rough and the bull throws us. The first few throws will hurt. After that, we learn to roll a bit, get less bruised, and recover sooner and better.

    You've done well to have had a good time over the weekend. Maybe take things slowly and build up some reassurance that despite the downs, there are more good times to come.
  11. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Adam Kadmon:Yeah, it is just weird to think that who I have not spoken too for years will want to suddenly try and be my friends. Even though I was just some guy they new in high school... nothing more.

    @Acy: :hug: Thanks hun, I am not sure what I felt this weekend. It was something weird... maybe like a preview of what I could be. However, all good previews come to an end. As for the push ups my trainer told me to just do them no matter how long it takes. I have not done any yet... I have a prerequisite of getting more than 5 hours of sleep first ^^;

    My only fear with healing slowly is wondering how slow slowly is. Feels like it will be a decade or more... at which point I wonder... why bother? That is where I am getting hung up. It is hard, because I can see anything I gain falling apart long before my depression is cured. I think that is the realization I had. I can only fake it for so long.
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