So much so that I had to take a depression sick day. This past weekend I found an incredible vein of inspiration and motivation. It enabled me to be happy and even a little out going for the weekend. However, that all ended Sunday when I attended my anime club. Suddenly anxiety hit, suddenly fear hit. Suddenly I just wanted to go home and curl up in bed. Why is it so much to keep myself looking happy like that. To see and visualize who I want to be and to start working for it. Why does it feel so good to slowly make it happen only to have it crash down around me? Literally when I was at my club I could only think, about swerving into oncoming traffic on the drive home. I need to do 20 push ups today but I cannot find the motivation to do that anywhere. I need to hit the gym today. Again no motivation. Because no matter how much I quench my superficial desires I am still me. I just want to end it all. It is a weekday, it would be hours before anyone found me. I am avoiding doing it by doing small things to distract me. Posting on forums or figuring out Facebook. However, it is all too depressing right now because I made some quick friend on these forums. And just as quickly as they appeared they disappeared. I was literally talking to people all weekend on forums and now POOF. I want to set up Facebook but I do not know anything bout the damn thing. I want to keep it in place as a net friend communication point. I do not want my family to find it. I don't know, then the suicide hits me. How easy it would be to just hang from my balcony. Then I go lie in bed... :cry: I just want it all to end. Or I want to regain my motivation that was lost. :depressed: why does it have to go away like that?