I need to let things out to somebody before I go. Life has never went the way I wanted it to be. if there is a god he hates me with passion my cousin sexually abused me when i was little, most hated me in school, my father always beat my mother. now i finally think life is not going to be bad anymore because i met this wonderful women who is kind, sweet, and likes everything i do. I saw something in her eyes that makes me feel calm and forget all of the bad. I have been seeing her for a month now, but now i think the one good thing is now going away. she has medical issues and it does not matter to me like the other guys she talks about in her past. I asked her if she wanted to do something thursday morning because it was going to be nice out, she said she was tired and usually does not get up in the morning so she would call either way thursday to let me know. she never called. i left her a text message because i was worried that something happened to her, but she did not respond. a couple of days later and still nothing back from her. she never seems to want to do anything with me, but she was telling me the other day how someone came to her door in the morning and wanted her to go to the cemetary so she did, but she was not willing to get up to spend time with me. I don't blame her because i'm nothing special. I have a hard time telling her how I feel and I am not even able to kiss her because of being afraid of getting too close to people because of my cousin. a week ago she talked about how she wanted to go on trips with me, but now nothing. i guess if she only cares about people in cemetaries then i will end this Saturday night after i make sure everything is in order. i am going to make it look like an accident so i don't hurt anyone. don't ask me why i care if i hurt anyone it is just the way i am even though i hurt so much. I needed to write to someone to get this out before i go. I'm sorry if i bring anyone down.