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it is now time to go

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tfco, Nov 7, 2008.

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  1. tfco

    tfco Guest

    I need to let things out to somebody before I go. Life has never went the way I wanted it to be. if there is a god he hates me with passion my cousin sexually abused me when i was little, most hated me in school, my father always beat my mother.

    now i finally think life is not going to be bad anymore because i met this wonderful women who is kind, sweet, and likes everything i do. I saw something in her eyes that makes me feel calm and forget all of the bad. I have been seeing her for a month now, but now i think the one good thing is now going away. she has medical issues and it does not matter to me like the other guys she talks about in her past. I asked her if she wanted to do something thursday morning because it was going to be nice out, she said she was tired and usually does not get up in the morning so she would call either way thursday to let me know. she never called. i left her a text message because i was worried that something happened to her, but she did not respond. a couple of days later and still nothing back from her.

    she never seems to want to do anything with me, but she was telling me the other day how someone came to her door in the morning and wanted her to go to the cemetary so she did, but she was not willing to get up to spend time with me. I don't blame her because i'm nothing special. I have a hard time telling her how I feel and I am not even able to kiss her because of being afraid of getting too close to people because of my cousin. a week ago she talked about how she wanted to go on trips with me, but now nothing. i guess if she only cares about people in cemetaries then i will end this Saturday night after i make sure everything is in order.

    i am going to make it look like an accident so i don't hurt anyone. don't ask me why i care if i hurt anyone it is just the way i am even though i hurt so much.

    I needed to write to someone to get this out before i go. I'm sorry if i bring anyone down.
  2. MandyPandaa

    MandyPandaa Member

    Maybe she's shy? Or planning to tell you something really big, maybe? Don't think the worst. If your relationship isn't even over yet, why kill yourself? =) She's probably what you've been waiting for your whole life. Don't sell yourself short and disappoint her by ending it so soon.
  3. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Sorry you're in a hard spot, and sorry that you've had to go through things no one should have to go through.

    Whatever happened in the past certainly traumatized you, but it's possible to live just in today, away from the past you can't change. How do you feel about what people have done to you? Angry, hurt...? If you have any friends who are close, talk with them about what's happened that has hurt you. And a word that a lot of us don't want to hear: forgive. That doesn't mean forget or condone, but it will help you stop being under others' control. Don't let your new "friend", who doesn't sound very friendly, distract you from being the person you know you can be. Let her go. You deserve to have your friendship and love be a two way street, not with you doing all the loving and receiving none in return. There are people around you who will show that they care about what's happening to you.

    It sounds, too, that you could be helped by a therapist or counsellor. They can really help you with hurts from the past and help you move on a day at a time. One day at a time. That's all that can be expected of us.

    Please do seek out help. Give yourself the gift of a few days to start the healing process.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey tfco,
    How long has it been since she talked to you last? Give her some space and let her stew things over. She is probably confused right now. You did say she has health problems, maybe she is in pain right now and doesn't want to share it with anyone.
    Do you know where she lives? Try going there and waiting for her to come out and approach her. Let her know how you feel. If she doesn't respond to you, then my friend it is time to move on. May be you weren't assertive enough, you said you haven't kissed her yet. She could have gotten mixed signals from you. I don't know there are to many if's involved here. Take Care!!~Joseph~
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