It is so hard!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chickpea, Oct 29, 2007.

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  1. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member

    I am finding it hard to change. It is so difficult, because I feel like beneath my facade there is really nothing there. I don't feel like I have a personality at all, and I don't think I am a "good" person. I am bad. I want to keep fighting, because I don't think it is fair to create extra pain for the people I know by killing myself. But I don't feel like there is anything to fight for.

    I am so ashamed of myself. For most people, this level of shame would probably encourage them to change their ways. But I can't seem to, and that makes me feel even more shameful, and useless, and I spiral down.

    How do you fight for yourself, when you don't think you are worth saving? I feel like I only exist as a concept. I am a daughter, I am a housemate, a "friend" (although I'm a crap one). But there is no real substance there... people would lose "a daughter" or "a friend" but if they really thought about it, they would realise that they didn't really lose anything at all. The person they know me as is totally fake, and I even got that wrong. I didn't even manage to create a NICE pretend person!

    I'm there, but there is nothing of value inside of me. And I feel bad for the people I know beause I'm so crap at caring for them. They deserve so much more and the sad fact just seems to be that I am incapable of offering anything to them.

    Everything seems totally futile, and totally fake. :dry: I've reaised that curling up and dying is not an option. But it is all I want. This is just so impossible!!!
  2. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    Setting a small goal for yourself would be a good start. Take baby steps.

    If you can't see yourself worth anything.. then you must create values around you..(externally..)

    Me.. I'm a werid fuck..

    I'm going to compete in a speech contest.. in November. Not because
    I'm totally confident and ready for it.. but to prove something. To tell the girl I like that "I won"(if I win), to have a good excuse to talk to her.. 'cause I'm pathetic and can't even talk to her straight...

    I'm going to play my own set of fingerstyle repertoire on acoustic guitar at open mic nights&small cafe.. not to make money.. but to get any sort of attention, to let them know I 'exist' like.. "hello I'm here~ I'm not transparent.."

    I'm going to sign up for the army reserve.. not to be a soldier but.. mostly because I want to get my ass off the couch and learn some discipine. Well.. it pays too.

    not telling you to be confident.. because I know it's really hard when you've been on the other side.. but to do things... anything.. you can get your hands on..

    It might sound like a cop-out..(working on external matters.. instead of changing your actual self) but at least we can be assured we keep trying.. right..?

    K.. I'm not making much sense.. but just doing a bunch of "things" will slowly increase your self-respect/esteem/whatever.. At least you won't have much time to be depressed..
    But you must prove it to yourself first. If you can't find passion/inspiration within yourself, I think it's OK to look for it elsewhere. "external" validations can be a big boost..

    I'm probably rambling on... or something but
    just know that I'm exactly where you're at.(minus friends) I can relate to everything you've written..(except I'm a guy) and I'm speaking from my own experience.

    You must not think, but do. There's no try, only do or do not. I gave up on a lot of things.. but I'm still moving on. You're ahead of me on many levels.

    Just throwing my two cents in the can.. hope I made any human sense..
  3. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member


    It is good to hear that you're managing to do things... Good luck in that competition. Maybe by working on the external stuff, the inner happiness might follow. Although I can't seem to find, or create, any passion for anything.

    Whenever I try to launch myself into things as a distraction, it never lasts. I can't stick to anything - I'm a quitter. And, I am really lazy. I know what I'm saying here soundless hopelessly defeatist and pessimistic, but I am just trying to be honest and see myself as I really am. Not what I hope to be, or have been in the past, but what I am right now. I am totally embarassed of the type of person I am. Lazy and useless and boring. And self absorbed.

    I can't stand it anymore. But no matter how much it hurts, I still don't change. Maybe I should just kill myself. It would be a fitting end. Oh I don't know anymore. I'm sick of myself. I know that complaining won't get me anywhere and that I just have to get on with it. But I feel some kind of comfort letting it out rather than it festering inside. :unsure:
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