I am finding it hard to change. It is so difficult, because I feel like beneath my facade there is really nothing there. I don't feel like I have a personality at all, and I don't think I am a "good" person. I am bad. I want to keep fighting, because I don't think it is fair to create extra pain for the people I know by killing myself. But I don't feel like there is anything to fight for. I am so ashamed of myself. For most people, this level of shame would probably encourage them to change their ways. But I can't seem to, and that makes me feel even more shameful, and useless, and I spiral down. How do you fight for yourself, when you don't think you are worth saving? I feel like I only exist as a concept. I am a daughter, I am a housemate, a "friend" (although I'm a crap one). But there is no real substance there... people would lose "a daughter" or "a friend" but if they really thought about it, they would realise that they didn't really lose anything at all. The person they know me as is totally fake, and I even got that wrong. I didn't even manage to create a NICE pretend person! I'm there, but there is nothing of value inside of me. And I feel bad for the people I know beause I'm so crap at caring for them. They deserve so much more and the sad fact just seems to be that I am incapable of offering anything to them. Everything seems totally futile, and totally fake. :dry: I've reaised that curling up and dying is not an option. But it is all I want. This is just so impossible!!!