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It just doesn't seem like its worth it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by brokenheart, Jul 5, 2009.

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  1. brokenheart

    brokenheart Member

    When my 6 year old daughter was killed I was devastated and still am. I spent all hours of the day and night thinking of nothing but joining her or at least ending the pain.

    Every day is still a challenge and for the past week or so, with help of this forum I have gradually thought less and less about ending my life and beginning a new one. I work from home and immersed myself in that work and over the past week I have built my business to the point where I am making a shit-load of money but it seems so empty.

    This morning I woke up with a sense of dread. Is this what my life will now be like? Is this all there is? This morning I was overcome by a new sense of guilt. I feel guilty that I can have things now while my daughter lies cold in a grave with nothing. I can never share anything with her no matter what I manage to accumulate. I miss everything about who I was and who I loved.

    I thought that if I could secure my survival that things would get better but it seems like even though I changed paths, they all lead to the same conclusion. I don't consider myself to be in crisis right now but I see it coming and I don't know how to turn around.

    I feel like I'm moving toward a brick wall and I know I should hit the brakes but I just can't.

    I feel alone and depressed when things go wrong and I feel guilty when things go "right". I just can't cope anymore.

    I see my inevitable death and can't help thinking why not now, why wait? Its going to happen anyway.

    The only thing I ever really wanted in life was to be loved by my family. I did not want to die alone. I miss my little girl so much and I miss all of the things that were supposed to go with her.

    I miss having her sit on my lap and telling me that she loves me. I miss the fact that she never even got to graduate from kindergarten. I was really looking forward to seeing her in her little cap and gown and then heading into first grade. I miss that I will never see her graduate from junior high, high school and college. I will never get to give her away at her marriage. I will never get to hold my grandchildren. I miss the possibility of being surrounded by a loving family when I die. So why wait. One lonely death is pretty much the same as any other, so why not now?

    If there is one thing I learned in my brief stint on this earth, it is that the material are shallow, hollow, and unfulfilling. All I really want is to be loved again but that would open me up to more hurt and I don't think that I can take any more.

    I feel selfish by these thoughts because they are all about what I want. It seems like no matter how I look at my life, it is not worth living.

    Today I will try to make it through the day and hope tomorrow I rationalize another day of life. It just seems so pointless. I can't wait to be with her again. I just miss her so much.
  2. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I can only imagine the pain you feel. Guilt is a normal part of the grieving process and should subside in time. Are you in therapy?
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    BrokenHeart I am so sorry for the loss of you daughter You must know your little one would not want saddness for you she would want to see you happy.
    You will always have her in your heart she is there Perhaps doing something in her memory plant a beautiful tree in your yard a flower she loved. Your pain is a heavy one but when you are depressed come here for strength and support. Remember your daughter with joy and happiness because she would want this. Have you received any grief therapy at all if not i think this would help you to have a professional to help you deal with this loss. please consider it if you haven't and also grief support groups with other parents who have lost their children to talk with you as they can support you as well and truly will understand take care and i pray for peace for you.
  4. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    Hi BrokenHeart :hug: i'm so sorry for your loss
    i get that you feel guilty that you have achieved something and got more money, but it shouldn't be that way. i'm sure your daughter would have felt proud of you for moving on with your life and feeling happier :heart: perhaps, to give something to her, you could do as mary said and remember her by planting a tree that will live for a long time, or putting a bench in a park for other children?
    whatever you choose, i hope you feel better in yourself and know that just because you have lost, doesn't mean you can't be happy. maybe you would benefit from seeing a therapist to help you cope with your loss? they have many ways to help you deal with this and it can help so much in the long run :smile:
    keep strong :heart: triggs xx
  5. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen. It's even worse than losing a spouse.

    And I know exactly what you're talking about. 7 months after my husband died I visited my sister who took me to a hot air balloon festival. I cried the entire time because I knew my husband had never been to see hot air balloons.

    A few months later I wrote a screenplay, and imagined that it would win an Academy Award. I thought that if it did, I would be so depressed because my husband wouldn't be there to enjoy it with me that I would probably kill myself right afterward.

    But that was my grief talking. My husband is not sitting around somewhere wishing that he could have seen the balloons or heard my Oscar speech. What I do now that he's gone doesn't matter at all to him. He's beyond caring. He's beyond knowing what he's missing. Only I know that.

    It's okay to enjoy your life. You're not taking anything away from your daughter by doing so. But now that you've experienced this tragedy, I imagine that you have a new perspective on what's important. You should act on it to help other people lead more meaningful lives. When they thank you for helping them, you can tell them why you did it. That's your daughter's legacy.
  6. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how painful it is to lose a child. I think you would benefit from attending counselling, for your grief and how to deal with it.
    My thoughts are with you, pm me if ever you need anything.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear that. :sad:

    You should give counselling a try, it can help.

    Do you have anyone to talk about these feelings to? :hug:
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's normal to feel guilty. It's part of the grieving process. But your little girl would want you to be happy again. She would want you to be successful and move on with your life. She loves you, and so she wouldn't be angry with you for taking some positive steps in your life.

    Things won't always feel this empty or this hollow. In time, you'll heal. It doesn't mean you'll forget her, and you'll still miss her. But the feelings of guilt won't be so overwhelming.

    I know you're afraid of getting hurt again, of loving and then losing. But it won't happen every time. It's okay to get close to people again. Just take things slow, take things at the speed you feel comfortable.

    Here if you need anything.
  9. nevertheanswer

    nevertheanswer Active Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. :(

    Don't lose hope. Dedicate each day to your daughter! Make that the point of living. As you go through your life, remember her, and how she would want you to be always happy.
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