When my 6 year old daughter was killed I was devastated and still am. I spent all hours of the day and night thinking of nothing but joining her or at least ending the pain. Every day is still a challenge and for the past week or so, with help of this forum I have gradually thought less and less about ending my life and beginning a new one. I work from home and immersed myself in that work and over the past week I have built my business to the point where I am making a shit-load of money but it seems so empty. This morning I woke up with a sense of dread. Is this what my life will now be like? Is this all there is? This morning I was overcome by a new sense of guilt. I feel guilty that I can have things now while my daughter lies cold in a grave with nothing. I can never share anything with her no matter what I manage to accumulate. I miss everything about who I was and who I loved. I thought that if I could secure my survival that things would get better but it seems like even though I changed paths, they all lead to the same conclusion. I don't consider myself to be in crisis right now but I see it coming and I don't know how to turn around. I feel like I'm moving toward a brick wall and I know I should hit the brakes but I just can't. I feel alone and depressed when things go wrong and I feel guilty when things go "right". I just can't cope anymore. I see my inevitable death and can't help thinking why not now, why wait? Its going to happen anyway. The only thing I ever really wanted in life was to be loved by my family. I did not want to die alone. I miss my little girl so much and I miss all of the things that were supposed to go with her. I miss having her sit on my lap and telling me that she loves me. I miss the fact that she never even got to graduate from kindergarten. I was really looking forward to seeing her in her little cap and gown and then heading into first grade. I miss that I will never see her graduate from junior high, high school and college. I will never get to give her away at her marriage. I will never get to hold my grandchildren. I miss the possibility of being surrounded by a loving family when I die. So why wait. One lonely death is pretty much the same as any other, so why not now? If there is one thing I learned in my brief stint on this earth, it is that the material are shallow, hollow, and unfulfilling. All I really want is to be loved again but that would open me up to more hurt and I don't think that I can take any more. I feel selfish by these thoughts because they are all about what I want. It seems like no matter how I look at my life, it is not worth living. Today I will try to make it through the day and hope tomorrow I rationalize another day of life. It just seems so pointless. I can't wait to be with her again. I just miss her so much.