It just gets worse .

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Richard 007, Jun 9, 2012.

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  1. Richard 007

    Richard 007 Active Member

    For those of you who know my story , today was bad , very bad .
    I was supposed to be taking the children out , my estranged wife had to take the car to go and see a friend , she was going to be only an hour , 3 hours later she comes back , to late now for me to do what I was going to do with the children , when I ask her were she has been , she tells me she was with her boyfriend , I got upset and shouted at her , not because she was with him , I was upset because her selfishness had ruined the kids day .
    Because I shouted at her , pointed out to her that the kids need to come first , she is now saying that she will leave the house and take the children with her ????????????????????? .
    wtf am I going to do .
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    When you're in a situation such as what you're going through right now, it is sometimes difficult to sort things out straight. That is not a flaw on your part, it is only natural. This is the time you need to solicit for advice and to take from the advice that you get the things that will help you. That is what you're doing and that is why you're here posting. You are doing the right thing in that respect.

    Your dismay over what is happening is understandable. In your shoes, though, I would want to arise in the end the victor. You can do that in today's world - no longer does the woman in a relationship end up with all the perks and child custody rights. You need to create a log (a "diary" if you will) to record all of these incidents as you are relating them. You can do that electronically, as long as you back it up so you don't lose it all in the event of a computer crash, or you can do it using a simple notebook. Do not put down your emotional feelings, just stick to the facts and with dates and times of incidents just like the one you mention above. In addition, refrain from being to vocal or public about your own mental state - you don't want her to be collecting facts on you that she can try to use against you when the time comes.

    So how do you arise a victor from this situation? Your goal should be the best well being of your kids. Further, you want to be sure that you get at least equal time with them and equal say in raising them. If you are lucky, you may be able to get more than equal if you can show that you are more of a victim than an equal in the issues. It's time to fight hard to push the hurt aside for a bit (I know it's not easy to) and concentrate on success that will give you the edge when push comes to shove. Don't let your estranged wife end up looking like the better choice in leadership of the resulting situation for the kids... be the one that is the better choice, or at least the equal choice, when it comes to maintaining YOUR RIGHTS.

    I hope that all makes sense. You're going to feel that you can't do this, but you can. Be the victor in this. Don't show weakness (it's okay to here though). Remember too that your kids may not show it openly, but they can sense things going on and you want them to sense that you are the one in this situation that is victim along with them. If they do, then they will become a strong advocate on your team.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I suspect she also does those things to get to you...real passive aggressive or just no sense of to her about these things when they are not happening and not when the kids are around...set boundaries with her, if possible, or see what your legal rights are...obviously, you two are not in the best of places...maybe a mediator is needed to get these things solved
  4. BrinkOfExistence

    BrinkOfExistence Well-Known Member

    Wait a minute, are you still living with your wife while she is seeing someone else? if this is true then it's no wonder you're hurting so bad, i've been in this situation myself, i continued to live with my girlfriend after we had broke up, mainly for the sake of convenience for our children and it was one of the worst times of my life, especially when she went out and stayed out, all the thoughts going through my head sent me crazy, you need to let her go, i don't just mean that in an emotional way, i also mean let her leave the house otherwise you'll never recover from this. I think it's best to let her take the kids aswell i'm only saying this because at this moment in time you are not in the right frame of mind to be looking after children full time, you're suicidal, a little bit irrational and it's not because you can't have your children it's because you can't have your wife, you've already stated this in previous posts. You and your wife need to be responsble parents when discussing the children don't use them as a weapon to hurt her, don't make unreasonable demands and don't let her do the same, remember it's about what your kids need rather than what you and your wife want, perhaps legal advice would help in these situations. Communication and (as difficult as it may be) trust between the two of you are key to give your children the best life with seperated parents. Good luck.
  5. Richard 007

    Richard 007 Active Member

    Yes we are still living together .
    We live in , what in the UK , we call a council house , it is a joint tennancy but for some reason when we did the paperwork the duty of care by the council was only put in my name , this meens that if my wife moves out of here the council have no duty to rehouse her , her new partner lives with his stepfather who has alzheimer's , she cannot move in there with four children and four cats .
    I would appear that he is not in a financial posistion to rent a property large enough to accomidare them all , he also has a 13 yr old boy by a previous relationship who stays with him at certain times , that adds another bedroom .
    My wife does not work at this time , if she moves out , and in with this new man who is working , she loses all entitlment to any UK financial benifits , which puts them in an even worse posistion .
    If I move out of this four brdroom house the council have a duty to re home me in a one bedroom home , which meens I lose the kids , as in , I will not be living with , in this scenario , my wife would affectivly become homeless and the council would have a duty of care to her and the children to house them , I would have in affect , desrted the children and her by moving out , it is this scenario that has brought me to this site with feelings of suicide .
    So , the arrangement my wife and I have is this , the children live here in this house full time , she spends one night at his house and one night in this house on a rolling basis , it's awful , as I have said before , I endure the unendurable , I still love her so much , but the children have stability and a home base still , and we are as a rule very careful of our behahaviour in front of them .
    I believe that today she intends to carry on with this arrangement until he can sort out an alternative for them , at wich point we will commence the shared residency agreement we have , the children will stay with me for two days and then with them for two days on a rolling basis .
    I know my thoughts of suicide are a concern but they rise from the thought of not living with my children , my children are my life .
    All I want to achieve is the right to live with my children on a 50/50 basis and to be a dad , to be able to have a positive impact on there lives and futures , to achieve this I have to suck up the pain for however long it takes for this man to sort his shit out and find them a place to live (had it been me in his posistion I would have done this already) .
    So for now I am trying to not rock this boat that sails in desperately turbulant seas .
  6. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Sounds to me like she does not love you.
  7. Richard 007

    Richard 007 Active Member

    Your assumption Steven would be correct , my wife no longer loves me , I have to applaud your astute observation .
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Richard what a predicament! no wonder you're feeling so &%$@
    I applaud your values though of putting your relationship with your children as priority and enduring the pain you are, in their best interests
    You sound like a truly good man !
    the problems arise from your wifes behavior which seems totally selfish to me. jmo
    and I don't like that she's using blackmail re the kids, towards you.
    keep holding on ok..have yo spoken to someone for legal advice?
    I'm so glad you're reaching out here so we can try and help you :hug:
  9. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I guess I am not very good with relationships. Tell me what is it like to have a wife?
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    How you doing Richard??? :hug:
  11. Richard 007

    Richard 007 Active Member

    Hi IV .
    And thanks for asking , to be honest , it's tough real tough , the situation I find myself in is exhausting it's relentless , I can only hope that this man steps up to the plate soon , when she moves out at least I will not have to watch her go to him every other day , that hurts .

    Tonight she is here and I plan to go out and play poker and have a few drinks , the poker makes me concentrate on the cards , it stops me for a while thinking about her .

    I'm still here my friend and I truly thank you all for that .

    Richard .
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