It Just Goes Downwards

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by XXNilXX, Jul 16, 2010.

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  1. XXNilXX

    XXNilXX New Member

    I don't understand why I always have to suffer. No matter what I'm always the one to have bad luck. I'm a good person, and try my best to be fair, but no matter what I always have to pay. I joined this forum years ago, when my depression was at its worst.. I attempted suicide several times, but failed each time... That's when I decided that I didn't want to live like this anymore. I was done being sad... It was hard but I managed to beat my depression and suicidal thoughts. I started to become okay again, not happy but okay. And this was a good thing for me, even though I wasn't feeling the best, I did no longer feel horrible and pain... I haven't felt happy again, since before I got my depression, which is before i was 13-14... But whenever I felt okay I was so greatful because this was the best I could ever feel.

    Now everything is falling apart. My life and future is ruined. It started piece by piece, and even though I try to stay strong and not loose hope, it's hard. Today I hit rock bottom and that is why I'm here. I have nothing left, no future, no hope, I'm lonely as can be, and I just want to kill myself. Everything in school got ruined when I chose all the wrong subjects just because of pressure from my parents. I hated the subjects, but I stuck through it hoping to learn from my mistakes. I worked hard, my grades are okay but not the best. I applied for universities in London, and got into all of them. When my mother found out she freaked out. We fought alot because of it, and again I was guilted into not going, so I declined my offers. I was hoping to study law here, but when they shut down the school I got into, they also shut down my hope for the future. Since I thought I was going to that school, I had completely forgot the deadlines for universities and colleges here. Therefor I'm now left with nothing. Just because my mother forced me to stay here. I who was motivated and excited to do further studies, am now left with nothing.

    This year 95% of the school didn't have to take their final exam because of the strike, I was one of the lucky few who had to take it. This also happened in the 11th grade. This year was worst, I had to have the oral chemistry exam, and even though I read for four days straight I got a horrible grade... Fine enough, I got over it. I have such a difficult time fiding someone to be with. I feel so lonely but I just have such a difficult time with this, I see people around me who aren't super personality or great looking but they have all found one, but not me.. A week ago we bought puppies. My mom decided that she didn't want them anymore. The puppies are the only good thing I have in my life. I convinced her to let me keep one and sell the other. She agreed, and we sold one of them. Today she decided to sell this one too. She had taken my education, taken my friends and basically taken my life away, I am not going to let her take the only thing I got left now too. So we fought and she kicked me out. Now I have to go live with my father who I hate. He is a horrible man. My mother said the worst things to me. She blames me for everything bad in her life, her divorce and everytihng else bad that has happened.

    I don't have anything left. No future no hope... I just want to end it right now. The way she speaks to me is so hurtful. She makes me feel like the worst piece of garbage in the world. I hate myself when she speaks to me, I'm so hurt and angry that I feel like throwing up. I thought I had gotten strong enough to survive most things, but I guess not. I'm going to kill myself...
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    First of all today of all days I really relate to your story...seems like things were going so well for me like I had finally gotten a handle on how to deal with this pain and depression we deal with..and then well things started to go to shit this week and I have a hard time thinking I was ever even happy.
    I have no social life and don't know that I could really handle one so know the pain of loneliness and isolation all to well. You're a trier like me and seems like no matter how much thought i put into my choice something ugly happens leaving me feeling like a bad person or a failure of some there is some trick to life that I have not been given and others have...I guess the grass always seems greener for others but I do get the feeling that they struggle far less that you and I ..why I don't know.
    The one thing I don't really have per se on the level you do is a critical family member and that has got to be so hard. You are a strong person that has accomplished so much,,,,do you realize that by the way? and yet here comes MOm to rain on and shit on all that you've done. It is not fair and frankly she sounds jealous of your dedication and personal resolve to accomplish things in your life-just my take on it mind you.
    Well I hope I and other can give you the support you need to ride this painful period out...I am in a dark phase right now but I am listening and my heart goes out to you.
    Please write back...we can't afford to lose a beautiful soul like you and I will do what I can to help you through.
    Please know you are not alone and support is here for you.
    Big hugs Bambi
  3. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    First of all, I'm glad you have come here rather then suffer in silence. I hope others will agree (I'm certain they will) when I say we're all here to help.
    It sounds like you've been going through a real nightmare of late, and I feel for you, I can't imagine going through what you are at the moment.

    From the sound of it, your mother has had some issues, and has been lashing out at you. This clearly isn't fair, I'm sure you realise this also (from what you've said, I think this is true). I'm sorry you haven't had the opportunity to do what you've wanted, especially given that you've pulled your life together before.

    Whilst it sounds contrived and rehashed, it is possible to get back to that place. It is terrible that you've been kicked out, outside her influence you might have opportunities to go to uni or do things you really want. I'm no expert on these things, otherwise I'd be happy a lot, but I hope for better some days.

    I'm here if you need any help, or just to chat, feel free to pm me or anything. Please stay around, I'd like the chance to know you better.

    Hope I can help.
  4. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Your mother should not blame you for her mistakes. You have hope, and you have future. Like you said, you hated the classes you took. I am grateful you are not stuck in a career that you hate. Be you, and if you do not know who that is, take the long and fulfilling journey to find out who that is. Everyone has two things in this life, a physical body, and a spiritual self. Look into figuring out how to balance them, and who you are. It sounds as if you may have forgotten. Suffering is a part of this life unfortunately, but it can end [not through suicide], and you have a choice. You always have a choice. I know everything looks bad, but look at the plus sides: you no longer have to pretend to be someone you are not, and you no longer have to listen to the unfair and unwarrented accusaitions by your mother. Holding onto animlas as a life line is unhealthy and will let you down. I know you say your dad is a horrible man, but considering the alternative I would try to work things out. Maybe he is misunderstood? I dunno the situation personally, but every side has a story. You like your mother are imperfect humans, that say and do things that you both regret. My heart goes out to you both. I lean on Yahweh spiritually, and he has never let me down. I am spiritually alive, and I am not trying to force you to believe as I do, but having a spirtual rock to lean on helps me tremendously. My whole life has changed for the better. Your can too, and if you had known me before this change you would definately believe in miracles friend. :p :hug: :) PM me if you need to talk. ~Nikki
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Nil. I'm really sorry that your mom treats you so badly, but don't listen to the hurtful things that she says to you. She sounds like a very mean lady and no mother should treat her son/daughter like that. Use her hatred to your advantage. Make something of yourself and prove her wrong. Prove to her that you're stronger than she thinks. You can always reapply to university next year. Maybe get a job and save up some money for law school? :hug:
  6. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Your situation sounds incredibly similar to my own, especially in regards to your mother. When mine is bitching at me, I used to wallow in my own inadequacy. I think the only way you can overcome that is getting away. Being kicked out is not the ideal way to do this. :i'm sorry:

    I hope you can reverse your poor decisions regarding university and show her that you have the potential to be someone successful and happy, while she miserably tries to destroy your life.
  7. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    You have to find a way to get away from home for a while. I hope you are feeling better. I am praying for you and hope you do too. PLEASE DONT DO ANYTHING. We will help you through this. Just stay wit us and we will gove you love and hop eand friendship!!!!

    Write me.

  8. XXNilXX

    XXNilXX New Member

    thanks for everybodys support... Today I found out I didn't get into the studies that I've applied for... The requierments had suddenly become more difficult, I was close to them but just under.. so i didn't get in... I turned my other offers down, knowing I would get into these, but now that they have suddenly made it more difficult, I'm left wondering what to do. It was exactly this I never wanted to happen, a "gap year".. My only hope now is a college I've applied for, but I haven't heard anything from them. I forgot the deadline, since I thought I would be attending another college (which they shut, not because it's a bad college but some other shit..) Now I don't know what will happen. The college probably has all of its spots filled. I feel sick.. As long as I can remember I've been looking forward to studying for a career.. But now my hopes and dreams are crushed..:badday::thatsit::(:sad:
  9. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    for what it is worth I didn't go when first accepted due to a fucking beating the shit out of me boyfriend that I was dealing with and who didn't want me to go, I dumped him and spent a few good months prior really exploring my college time as I went up early and love college to no end and ended up in a med class that was awesome..guess what I am saying is these have a way of working out for the best as long as you keep making efforts...there are unforeseen forces going on that end up for the better so don't fret to much...these things do sort themselves out...
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