It just keeps getting worse...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by minkie, Oct 16, 2007.

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  1. minkie

    minkie New Member

    .... For a while, Life will seem to be getting better, and then BAAM, More and more Bullshit. This time is going to end up being the last time.

    I am a waiter at a restaurant, and Right now as it stands at work I am being accused of jacking up my credit card tips. Since it is on a credit card, this ends up being a federal offence, which means Possible jail and other such things. Jail doesn't scare me. What is getting me is that fact that now I am suspended and I am going to end up lossing my job, No if's, and's, or But's about it. That I could normally deal with but as it stands, I lose my that means I lose my house, my partner, and everything else in my life!

    Ironic thing is this won't be the first time I have lost everything because this has happened 3 times before. Different things the cause and never anything criminal, but always something that I wasn't responsible for and couldn't control. I can't deal with this any more. I have always tryed to guide my self with logic and put my emotions back a step, which is how I always delt with things. Now though my emotions have overwelmed even my logic.

    I would go to my doctor but as of late there is a severe conflict of interest. Her daughter is one of my friends (Now ex) fiance (Fee-Aunce-say, Yes I can't spell). They broke up because he walked in on here cheating on him with some guy, and not just any guy. A Cocaine dealer, and she wasn't just cheating to cheat, she was cheating to get coke! Suffice to say, big conflict of interest. I tryed to get the VA to switch my doc, but they won't because they don't have the resources. So I don't even feel comfortable going in to do anything; get a check up, get my prozac refilled( Which I still have some so I ain't off of them), Nothing.

    Suffice to say, here is some foot notes to give the short version of my life. after My dealing with an abusive stepdad from age 6, my mom running off on me and leaving me by my self when I was 13, my Grandmother forcing me in to the air force AND her telling me I was born a Hermaphrodite when I was 17(And me getting changed in to a boy at about 3 months after I was born because my Grandmother forced my mom[Grandmother was the hospital admin]) , being kicked out of the Airforce when I was 20 because I had to deal with bigots who where all christian and didn't like me being Wiccan at the time, My family disowning me for the first time when I got out cause I disappointed them.........

    one of my trusted friends who was holding all my worldly possetion going through and tossing all my things just after I got out of the Airforce(He was holding it causeI had moved to try and get a better job), My fiance (Fee-Aunce-say, Yes I can't spell) of 2 years breaking up with me(And found out later she was cheating on me) when I was 23, comming out as gay and having to deal with more bigots at 24, a sociopath stealing my first BF turning what friends I had agenst me, Losing 2 jobs due to outsourcing to india in just under 2 years, My family disowning me for the second time cause they found out I was gay, Me starting the heavy part of my depression at about 26 (Which I ended up loosing 2 jobs for),.........

    And now.... living with my boyfriend of 1.5 years who is always upset and stressed about money and everything. We don't even have a sex life really because anytime I want to do something he is stressed and not in the mood, and when he is in the mood, I am either to tired or we don't have time since it takes him a long while to cum when we play(Though if he jerks, he's done in 5 min.)

    we went through a spell when I didn't have work. I was a Systems administrator for the longest time, But most of my resume is contract work(Which is normal in IT) but looks bad to employers since it looks spotty. I had to get a job at a restaurant just to have some money coming in and now I am going to lose that because they think I was entering the wrong tips on credit cards on purpose! Just after I had got this job, him and I had talked and got some things off our chests. He had said if I hadn't found something when I did, he was going to break up with me and kick me out. he had also mentioned that he can't do the "Me with no job" thing again and this was my last chance. I told him about how I was feeling and how deppressed I was and even suicidal, and he sympathized but said he couldn't be with me if I was always in that mind set. I forced my self to start being "better" and actualy really enjoyed my new job as a server, but now everything is crashing down again.

    Now I am screwed. I have no where to go, I have no friends here now, I have no money and in fact owe shit loads of it. My life is beyond screwed right now. after my boy gos to bed tonight, I am going to go take a shower, get clean and pull out that razor. I would just do it now but I don't know when he is going to be here and I don't want him walking in and "Saving" me.

    I'm not writing this so that I can get words of encouragement or something that will make me feel this isn't the way or even attention. I more then likly won't even look back on here. I just wanted to post something, somewhere so that I go away knowing that some one will know my story, even if they don't know me or all the nuances. I have gone through alot of shit in my time and been able to coup, But I can't do it anymore. Today was that last straw, so to speak. I wish better luck and strength to those out there thinking of doing this, as I have had pretty much all bad luck and have now ran out of strength.

    Take Care.
    Matthew.

    *Non-Emotional Moment* I have to say on an intelectual/Logic-only note(Always been in to science and meta-physics) I am curious to see what happens to me after, I would probably have a lot to write about. Funny, My emotion is off at the moment, but I am still craving death. Fascinating...
     
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