It just keeps happening

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shezamura, Aug 1, 2010.

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  1. Shezamura

    Shezamura Well-Known Member

    One year from today... you texted me... telling me how wrong you were... how much you felt like shit for hurting me like you did.... I took you back... and I cared for you... I loved you... Then you left for the navy this year... in February.... I gave you my heart before you left... I told you "I will be here for you always". I got engaged to you... I gave you everything I had in my heart once again... I trusted you... I did. But you were doing things behind my back... again... so I had to put it to an end in May this year... because you were not keeping your end of the bargain... I find out today, One year later from those heart wrenching texts... that you have been found someone else.... You both dont want to get married... so i guess you both just fuck?... what did I ever mean to you... what did I ever you?... I hate my life.... Is my life ment to always have my dreams crushed.... was what I wanted to much to ask for? I wanted happily ever after. thats all. God... if you exist, where is she now? Why is my darling beloved gone? I hate what you have allowed to happen. Why am I so undeniably unhappy? Where is my happiness you said you would give me? She doesnt even love him?!?!?!?! WHY!!!! WHY!!!! GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!!! WHY?!?!?! why me?

    I wanted to date a girl just like me, never knowing what sex or any kind of sexual pleasure was... I dated her... but she had been with another man.... I was thankful still...

    I wanted to go to our LDS church together... she was a baptist... but I was thankful.

    She wanted to get a job. I trusted her... she got a job as a hostess... I didnt like it, but I was thankful...

    She left me for her boss... and for 1 year, I was on the verge of suicide... I have the slices of my skin buried in my arm... Why have you forsaken me God?

    She came back... After a year of suffering... she came back... I was thankful... but I was still hurting... why God... why did this ever have to happen... why?

    We would have been first fiance wasnt even mine... I was all hers... Why God?... why have you forsaken me? Where are you? where are you? God please help me?

    I have come to the conclusion....

    If he exists... why do I have all my dreams taken away? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE SUCH PAIN!!1 SUCH SORROW!!?!??! WHAT DID I DO WRONG!!?!?!?! WHAT DID I DO!!!!

    I'm going to end it... I dont know when... But I will... and the worst part it... She won't care.... she loves me she says... but I want to believe it... but its just to much to bear... I am done... forgive me God... if you exist... forgive me... but you are the one who has forsaken me... I just wish I knew why...
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Clinton. I'm so sorry to hear about all of the heartbreak that you have endured thus far. God has not forsaken you. God loves you and is always with you. If you really love this woman and if she really loves you too, then convince her that you two are meant to be together. If she still doesn't want to be with you, then you have to move on. God doesn't want you to suffer. God created us, but we are the masters of our own destiny. Please don't give up. :hug:
  3. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Shezamura, I know this is hard to understand right now, but in time these feeling you have will die, an you will move on. She sounds as though she is not the right person for you. You love her with everything in you, and she sounds fickle. It won't have made a good marriage.

    I know you are a man of faith, and maybe you will find someone who have values that you can both share, so that you are both on the same page.

    I know how you feel. Time alone can take away the pain. My heart goes out to you. In life there is hope.

    You can't allow yourself to commit suicide, as i am sure it is against your faith.

    You are a good person, and in time you will get someone who is really special and will love you as you deserve.

    I know that is hard to believe right now that the pain will go away. But it does go away. I think when we are in love, it's kind of like a madness, because we cannot really think of anything but the beloved, and we cannot see any other possibility or other alternative but the beloved. We would rather die than betray the beloved. No one can reason with us. Our feelings will not let them, nor can we conceive any other reality.

    But soon we come back again to our old selves, only wiser.

    You sound like a wonderful person. I know there is going to be a beautiful lady out there who is going to be blessed to have you.
  4. Shezamura

    Shezamura Well-Known Member

    I woman love me? I dont even see why I was even blessed with this woman in the first place... other than for her to be taken away. I dont believe that a "beautiful woman" would ever been interested in a broken man like me. ever
  5. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Where is your faith? Do you know God's plan for you? Stop putting yourself down.
  6. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    God cannot command love, and that woman has rotten soul. She is not even half the person you are. You never give up on your dreams, the things you cherish most. You are just a toy for her. Open your eyes.

    You have to accept this as a life lesson, next time you will be able to see through this kind of person.
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