It just seems hopeless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kittycorner, Oct 16, 2008.

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  1. kittycorner

    kittycorner New Member

    I'm new here, but I have to jump right in and post the hardest thing I have ever written. I am not a very open person but I feel it is time to let go of my fears.

    All my problems start from my boyfriend. I love him and have been in love with him almost since the moment I first met him. He cheated on me the first time we dated, with his ex. I was a compulsive liar then (wanted to make myself more appealing to him). About a year later we started speaking again and we decided to try dating again. I changed and stopped lying. Then about a year later I found text messages to another girl talking about him asking her to give him oral sex. It was my birthday when I found the texts. He denied them and mysteriously the texts were deleted along with her number. Other things keep popping up to make me feel like he is lying to me and cheating. We now have a 3 year old daughter and I want this family to work because mine didn't. I almost want to ignore my heart and pretend that everything is alright. I just can't stop these feelings that he is cheating on me. Even though he says he isn't, but I KNOW in my heart that he is. I fear that I am staying with him because I don't want to be alone in this world with a child. I want my daughter to be happy and have both parents.

    I was tempted to not mention my daughter in this. I know that will become the focal point of any responses and that's not what is really bothering me. I also hate my body. After I had my daughter I got fat and feel really ugly. My boyfriend doesn't help either. I often catch him looking at other woman. It makes me feel ugly and unwanted. He always tells me I'm crazy, I'm starting to believe him. Maybe I'm the one that is just making all this stuff up. Am I afraid to commit? I don't think so.

    When I was 16 years old I attempted suicide. I took 2 full bottles of my anti-depressant. My father was giving me my pills at night and I was saving them. I finally decided it was time, time to let go. (things weren't even close to as bad as they are now) I took all the pills with a glass of water, laid in my bed and closed my eyes. I felt my heart begin to race, I was starting to black out. I stumbled into the living room and told my dad what I had done. Him and my stepmother immediately rushed me to the ER. I blacked out going down the stairs and was in a coma for a week. The doctors told my parents not to tell me what had happened, because it would bring back the memories.

    I think about that night all the time now. I wish I hadn't told my parents. I currently think about driving my car into the center divider on the highway late at night. I don't want to hurt anyone but myself. What stops me is the thought of my daughter and how much I love my boyfriend. But when my boyfriend and myself get in a fight, I consider doing it. Also when it's hot outside and woman are dressed skimpy with tiny skirts and bathing suits, I want to ball up and hide. I think about my boyfriend checking them out and wishing he was with them.

    I appreciate you reading all my babble. I may seem crazy to you but I feel lost. I don't have medical insurance for myself, so I can't get counseling. I do want to tell you that I have decided I am going to go forward with my plans. I am just not sure when and how exactly. I don't know what I am going to accomplish here. I suppose I'm just lonely. I have no friends other than my boyfriend and a few of his. I just had to reach out, I hate being alone and feeling unloved.
     
  2. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Death is not an answer, it's an unnecessary escape for you. It would be very unfortunate and selfish on your part. You said you don't want to hurt anyone except yourself, but you would hurt your family and acquaintances immeasurably.

    You make a point of explaining that your daughter is not really what's bothering you. Are you simply trying to escape dealing with your feelings about your daughter? Are you envious of the relationship that your husband and daughter have? A horrid marriage is worse than a clean divorce, don't you think?

    --just some things to think about.
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry to hear that your boyfriend has not been faithful to you. If you do not love each other, it really does no good to stay together. It would be better for your daughter to have her parents apart than think what you now have is the norm. You are not happy this way. You mention having no friends of your own. Maybe it is time to make some. What kinds of things do you do during the day? Are you in a position to meet people? I really do think you would be better off without your boyfriend if he is not willing to commit to you and nobody else. Please take care of yourself and stay safe. It isn't hopeless. :hug:
     
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey kittykorner,
    I know you have heard all men are dogs!! It's not true there are others like myself who wanted the american dream of having a loving family, good paying job and my own home.
    I just about had it. I had a fiance, a good paying job, and we had bought a house togather. Then she just freaked out and turned GOTH. The black hair , black lipstick, black nail polish, and black clothes. She started seeing a guy from work while I was working then she started staying gone like 3 times a week. He got her hooked on cocaine again. She did manage to rip me off for $18,000. So you see there are men out there that are looking for a good woman..Take Care!!~Joseph~
     
  5. lou-kate

    lou-kate New Member

    Hi Kitty. Sometimes rejection and betrayal are so hard to manage you don't know where to put the pain. I know that feeling. You grieve for your loss of hopes and plans and dreams as well as the person themselves. It makes you vulnerable to emotional abuse, as you will do anything to stop the pain temporarily. Nothing I can say can shift the pain, but death is so final, there is no changing your mind. Don't let him win, or think he mattered that much. It won't change him or his behaviour.
     
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