I'm new here, but I have to jump right in and post the hardest thing I have ever written. I am not a very open person but I feel it is time to let go of my fears. All my problems start from my boyfriend. I love him and have been in love with him almost since the moment I first met him. He cheated on me the first time we dated, with his ex. I was a compulsive liar then (wanted to make myself more appealing to him). About a year later we started speaking again and we decided to try dating again. I changed and stopped lying. Then about a year later I found text messages to another girl talking about him asking her to give him oral sex. It was my birthday when I found the texts. He denied them and mysteriously the texts were deleted along with her number. Other things keep popping up to make me feel like he is lying to me and cheating. We now have a 3 year old daughter and I want this family to work because mine didn't. I almost want to ignore my heart and pretend that everything is alright. I just can't stop these feelings that he is cheating on me. Even though he says he isn't, but I KNOW in my heart that he is. I fear that I am staying with him because I don't want to be alone in this world with a child. I want my daughter to be happy and have both parents. I was tempted to not mention my daughter in this. I know that will become the focal point of any responses and that's not what is really bothering me. I also hate my body. After I had my daughter I got fat and feel really ugly. My boyfriend doesn't help either. I often catch him looking at other woman. It makes me feel ugly and unwanted. He always tells me I'm crazy, I'm starting to believe him. Maybe I'm the one that is just making all this stuff up. Am I afraid to commit? I don't think so. When I was 16 years old I attempted suicide. I took 2 full bottles of my anti-depressant. My father was giving me my pills at night and I was saving them. I finally decided it was time, time to let go. (things weren't even close to as bad as they are now) I took all the pills with a glass of water, laid in my bed and closed my eyes. I felt my heart begin to race, I was starting to black out. I stumbled into the living room and told my dad what I had done. Him and my stepmother immediately rushed me to the ER. I blacked out going down the stairs and was in a coma for a week. The doctors told my parents not to tell me what had happened, because it would bring back the memories. I think about that night all the time now. I wish I hadn't told my parents. I currently think about driving my car into the center divider on the highway late at night. I don't want to hurt anyone but myself. What stops me is the thought of my daughter and how much I love my boyfriend. But when my boyfriend and myself get in a fight, I consider doing it. Also when it's hot outside and woman are dressed skimpy with tiny skirts and bathing suits, I want to ball up and hide. I think about my boyfriend checking them out and wishing he was with them. I appreciate you reading all my babble. I may seem crazy to you but I feel lost. I don't have medical insurance for myself, so I can't get counseling. I do want to tell you that I have decided I am going to go forward with my plans. I am just not sure when and how exactly. I don't know what I am going to accomplish here. I suppose I'm just lonely. I have no friends other than my boyfriend and a few of his. I just had to reach out, I hate being alone and feeling unloved.