So last night I self harmed again. Another hospital trip. They said I was being uncooperative and didn't understand why I locked myself in the toilet when I had said there was no way I could sit in crowded waiting room. So, that got me seen by crisis team. They were told that I had tried to hang myself in the toilet. No! I didn't. I didn't ligate or anything, that's not my style. They put me in a cubicle and I fell asleep as I had taken a lorazepam earlier and that set them off saying I had taken an OD. I hadn't. I took the loraz to try and help me, to knock me out before I could do anything and it only kicked in about 2 hours later when I was at the hospital. So they were wanting to do bloods and stuff and I refused saying I wanted to get home and in to bed as the loraz was zombifying me and I knew that if I was subjected to bloods I would be in ages. I laughed when the crisis team showed up. I said do I look like someone who has tried to hang themselves. Do I have broken capilaries etc, and if I was suicidal do you think I would be doing it in the toilet in the A+E dept. I said to them that I don't know where they got the info that I had tried to do that as was not the case, I didn't need to see them and I was going to be making an appointment with the Psychiatrist as had had a letter through asking me to call and make appointment. I said I was sorry that they had been made to waste their time, and that the A+E dept staff were saying that so that I would be seen quicker by them as they wanted the bed. Anyway, apart from being angry, low and wanting to self harm constantly, I have rung for an appointment with the Psychiatrist. Can't get one until the end of November. I have also spoke to the nurse who has been helping me quite a bit and he said he has spoke to these people at harmless and I should be able to get something sorted with them quite soon as they have appointments and he said that that will probably help me a lot more than seeing the Psychiatrist. He said he didn't think I was depressed. I don't know what consistent low mood for no reason is then. I also spoke to him about this appointment...not knowing how far away it would be at the time and basically said to him that I was worried as all the Psychiatrist would see is the previous diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and write me off from the start. I have argued and argued before that it is not that. I was telling him my reasoning about how I knew how it needed to be diagnosed and that you need to fit in certain amounts of criteria on the diagnositc scale and I said that I didn't fit as many as needed to be there. Ok, there were a couple but not all of them. I was saying that there were a few on each personality disorder thing that I recognised and I know for a fact I am not them. Most people will have traits that fit in on personality disorder scales. I was saying how I was annoyed that Psychiatrists just have to tick boxes and is all about diagnosis and pathologising you in categories. And he said he agreed with me and was all about choices that I make and I need to regain some control over why and when happens. I said I knew all this already and I needed help in doing so. He said that the psychiatrist wouldn't do that but this organisation would be able to help. So just hope can get seen by them soon. I just hope it is soon as the self harming behaviour is getting out of hand now. I know I need the help and I am doing what I can to get it. I don't want it to get to the stage of where I am suicidal again as I can't cope with it anymore. It's so annoying!